A Mother’s Dictionary

AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am also.

DEFENSE: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let de children play outside.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: A contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STOREROOM: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words

WEAKER SEX: The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”

The International Council on Manlaws, Ltd.

 

 

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following
Circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss’s car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is
forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is
unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is
strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip
bar of the birthday boy’s choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not
the weakest.

9: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when
you’re sunning on a tropical beach … and it’s delivered by a
topless model and only when it’s free.

10: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you
allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

11: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

12: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

13: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see
anything.

14: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability
to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

15: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.

16: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be
talking about his choice of beer.

17: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:

a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!

b) C’mon, give me one more! Harder!

c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

18: The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for
Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets
an Xbox. End of story.

19: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s
Gymnastics. Ever.

20: We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you
really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you
informed, the definition of each is listed below:

“GUTS” is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to
say, “are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”

“BALLS” is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping
your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, “Roll over,
You’re next!”

I hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd

MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET On Woman………Oops!

InformationSystem

Substance: Woman

Manufacturer: God

Typical Size: Average weight 115lbs.; specimens can vary from 90 to over 200 lbs.

Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface Tension–soft and warm.

2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.

3. Boils at nothing.

4. Freezes without reason.

5. Melts with special reason.

6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.

7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common(h)ore.

8. Yields to pressure applied to specific points.

9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.

10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has affinity for gold, silver, and precious stones.

2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.

3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.

4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.

5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known (See HAZARDS, #3)

COMMON  USES:

1. Highly ornamental.

2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.

3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.

SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION:

1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.

2. Turns green when compared to better specimen.

HAZZARDS:

1. May explode spontaneously without cause.

2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.

3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards.

Only real women will understand this…



WOMAN AT THEIR BEST

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the
most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in
the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver
when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that
her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that
she’d be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be
her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more
shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with
a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the
last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the
hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her
husband’s condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, ‘You
went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn’t you! I hope you’re  
proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying

yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive
Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it
will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the

rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you’ll now
be his carer!’ 

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed………..

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, ‘I’m just pulling your leg.
 He’s dead. What did you buy?’

THE HORMONE HOSTAGE…….!!!


THE HORMONE HOSTAGE KNOWS THAT THERE ARE DAYS IN THE MONTH WHEN ALL A MAN HAS TO DO IS OPEN HIS MOUTH & HE TAKES HIS LIFE INTO HIS OWN HANDS!  THIS IS A HANDY GUIDE THAT SHOULD BE AS COMMON AS A DRIVER’S LICENSE IN THE WALLET OF EVERY HUSBAND, BOYFRIEND, CO-WORKER, OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER!

DANGEROUS:

SAFER:

SAFEST:

ULTRA SAFE:

WHAT’S FOR DINNER?

CAN I HELP YOU WITH DINNER?

WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO FOR DINNER?

HERE, HAVE
SOME WINE.

ARE YOU
WEARING THAT?

WOW, YOU SURE LOOK GOOD IN BROWN!

WOW!
LOOK AT YOU!

HERE, HAVE
SOME WINE.

WHAT ARE YOU SO WORKED UP ABOUT?

COULD WE BE OVERREACTING?

HERE’S MY PAYCHECK.

HERE, HAVE
SOME WINE.

SHOULD YOU BE EATING THAT?

YOU KNOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF APPLES LEFT.

CAN I GET YOU A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE WITH THAT?

HERE, HAVE
SOME WINE.

WHAT DID
YOU DO

ALL DAY?

I HOPE YOU DIDN’T OVER-DO IT TODAY.

I’VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU IN THAT ROBE!

HERE, HAVE
SOME MORE

WINE.


13 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:

1. PASS MY SHOTGUN

2. PSYCHOTIC MOOD SWING


3. PERPETUAL MUNCHING SPREE


4. PUFFY MID-SECTION


5. PEOPLE MAKE me SICK


6. PROVIDE ME with SWEETS


7. PARDON MY SOBBING


8. PIMPLES MAY SURFACE


9.. PASS MY SWEATS


10. PISSY MOOD SYNDROME


11. POOR MEN SUCK


12. PACK MY STUFF

 & MY FAVORITE ONE
  13. POTENTIAL MURDER SUSPECT