The person who wrote this should be PRESIDENT! – BRILLIANT!

Dear President Zuma,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing South Africa ‘s economy.

Instead of giving billions of rands to the government that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan :

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them R2 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations :

1) They MUST retire.
Ten million job openings – unemployment fixed

2) They MUST buy a new car.
Ten million cars ordered – Car Industry fixed

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage – Housing Crisis fixed

4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university – Crime rate fixed

5) They MUST buy R100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week….. And there’s your money back in duty/tax etc

It can’t get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances

Also….. Let’s put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They’d receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they’d receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ’s and legal aid would be free, on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.  Live in a tiny room and pay R1,000.00+ per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Think about this (more points of contention) :

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Rivier-sonder-End almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept?

And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 200,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

You are proudly South African when ………………..

1. You produce a R100 note instead of your driver’s licence when stopped by a traffic officer
2. You can do your monthly shopping on the pavement
3. You have to hire a security guard whenever you park your car
4. You can count the national soccer teams scores with no fingers
5. To get free electricity you have to pay a connection fee of R750
6. Hijacking cars is a profession
7. Defecating in a garden can win you R1-million
8.You can pay your tuition fees by holding up a sign at a traffic light
9.The petrol in your tank may be worth more than your car
10. More people vote in a local reality TV show than in a local election
11.People have the most wonderful names: Christmas, Goodwill, Pretty, Wednesday, Blessing, Brilliant, Gift, Precious, Innocence, Samsung and Airtime.
12. “Now now” can mean anything from a minute to a month!
13. You continue to wait after a traffic light has turned to green to make way for taxis travelling in the opposite direction.
14. Travelling at 120 km/h you’re the slowest vehicle on the highway
15.You’re genuinely and pleasantly surprised whenever you find your car parked where you left it.
16. A bullet train is being introduced but we can’t fix potholes
17. The last time you visited the coast you paid more in speeding fines and toll fees than you did for the entire holiday
18. You paint your cars registration on the roof
19. Half your mail is guaranteed to reach its destination
20. You have to take your own linen with you if you are admitted to a government hospital
21. You dial a toll free number and nobody answers
22. You have to prove that you don’t need a loan to get one
23. Prisoners go on strike.
24. You don’t stop at a red traffic light, in case somebody hijacks your car.
25. You consider it a good month if you only get mugged once.
26. Rwandan refugees start leaving the country because the crime rate is too high.
27. When 2 Afrikaans TV programs are separated by a Xhosa announcement of the following Afrikaans program, and a Pedi ad.
28. The employees DANCE in front of the building to show how unhappy they are.
29. The SABC advertises and shows highlights of the program you just finished viewing.
30. You get cold easily. Anything below 16 degrees Celsius is Arctic weather.
31. You call a bathing suit a “swimming costume”.
32. You stop at robots, not traffic lights.
33. You know what Rooibos Tea is, even if you’ve never had any.
34. You can sing your national anthem in four languages, and you have no idea what it means in any of them.
35. You know someone who knows someone who has met Nelson Mandela.
36. You go to “braais” (barbecues) regularly, where you eat boerewors (long meaty sausage-type thing) and swim, sometimes simultaneously.
37. You have a gear lock for your car.
38. You’ve never seen snow in real life.
39. You know that there’s nothing to do in the Free State.
40. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from South Africa