MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET On Woman………Oops!

InformationSystem

Substance: Woman

Manufacturer: God

Typical Size: Average weight 115lbs.; specimens can vary from 90 to over 200 lbs.

Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface Tension–soft and warm.

2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.

3. Boils at nothing.

4. Freezes without reason.

5. Melts with special reason.

6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.

7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common(h)ore.

8. Yields to pressure applied to specific points.

9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.

10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has affinity for gold, silver, and precious stones.

2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.

3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.

4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.

5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known (See HAZARDS, #3)

COMMON  USES:

1. Highly ornamental.

2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.

3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.

SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION:

1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.

2. Turns green when compared to better specimen.

HAZZARDS:

1. May explode spontaneously without cause.

2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.

3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards.

What I Want in a Man,Original List:


 

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 36)

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs

3. Has enough money for a nice dinner

4. Wants to talk to me.
5. Laughs at my jokes

6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Has at least one shirt with the arms cut out

8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal

9. Loves to go for drives
10. Seeks romance at least 3 times a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady – splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed

2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public

3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting

5. Doesn’t retell the same joke too many times

6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7 . Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear

8. Appreciates a good TV dinner

9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

 What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn’t scare small children

2. Remembers where bathroom is

3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep

5. Remembers why he’s laughing

6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes

8. Likes soft foods

9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend

 What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing

2. Doesn’t miss the toilet

 

Questions that haunt me…

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?


Can you cry under water?


How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


Why does a round pizza come in a square box?  


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?


If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They’re going to see you naked anyway.


Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?


Can a hearse carrying  a corpse drive in  the  carpool lane  ?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They’re both dogs!


If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?