Clever Eddy! Can you answer before he does?!

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, “Eddy what is your problem?” Eddy answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!”

The teacher had had enough.

She took Eddy to the principal’s office.

While Eddy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

The teacher agreed.

Eddy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Eddy: “9”.

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Eddy: “36”.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Eddy can go to the third-grade.”

The teacher says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?”

The principal and Eddy both agree.

The teacher asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Eddy, after a moment, “Legs.”

Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Eddy replied, “Pockets.”

Teacher: What’s starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Eddy: Coconut

The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Eddy was taking charge.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Eddy: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Eddy: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort of questions, okay?
Eddy: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Eddy: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Eddy: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Eddy: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Eddy: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of excitement?
Eddy: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Eddy in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself.”

Marketing Explained!

You see a handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.”

– That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says,
“She’s fantastic in bed.”

– That’s Advertising.

 You see a handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him and get his telephone number.
The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.”

– That’s Telemarketing.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy.
You get up and straighten your dress.
You walk up to him and pour him a drink.
You say, “May I,” and reach up to straighten his tie
brushing yourself  slightly against his arm, and then say,
“By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.”

– That’s Public Relations.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy.
He walks up to you and says,
“I hear you’re fantastic in bed.”

– That’s Brand Recognition.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy.
You talk him into going home with your friend.

– That’s a Sales Rep.


Your friend can’t satisfy him so he calls you.

– That’s Tech Support.

 You’re on your way to a party when you realize that there
could be handsome men in all these houses you’re passing.
So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center
and shout at the top of your lungs, “I’m fantastic in bed!”

– That’s Spam.

 

The International Council on Manlaws, Ltd.

 

 

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following
Circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss’s car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is
forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is
unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is
strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip
bar of the birthday boy’s choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not
the weakest.

9: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when
you’re sunning on a tropical beach … and it’s delivered by a
topless model and only when it’s free.

10: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you
allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

11: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

12: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

13: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see
anything.

14: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability
to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

15: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.

16: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be
talking about his choice of beer.

17: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:

a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!

b) C’mon, give me one more! Harder!

c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

18: The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for
Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets
an Xbox. End of story.

19: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s
Gymnastics. Ever.

20: We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you
really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you
informed, the definition of each is listed below:

“GUTS” is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to
say, “are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”

“BALLS” is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping
your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, “Roll over,
You’re next!”

I hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd

Hotel Signs…….. oh boy!

 

 

In a Tokyo Hotel:  It is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If

you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

 

In another Japanese hotel room:  Please to bathe inside the tub.

 

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:  The lift is being fixed for the next

day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

 

In a Leipzig elevator:  Do not enter the lift backwards, and only

when lit up.

 

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:  To move the cabin, push button for

wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one

should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going

alphabetically by national order.

 

In a Paris hotel elevator:  Please leave your values at the front desk.

 

In a hotel in Athens:  Visitors are expected to complain at the

office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

 

In a Yugoslavian hotel:  The flattening of underwear with pleasure

is the job of the chambermaid.

 

In a Japanese hotel:  You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

 

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox

monastary:  You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian

and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except

Thursday.

 

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:  Not to perambulate the

corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

 

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:  Our wines leave you nothing

to hope for.

 

On the menu of a Polish hotel:  Salad a firm’s own make; limpid

red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted

duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.

 

In a Hong Kong supermarket:  For your convenience, we recommend

coureous, efficient self-service.

 

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:  Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

 

In a Bangkok dry cleaner’s:  Drop your trousers here for best results.

 

Outside a Paris dress shop:  Dresses for street walking.

 

In a Rhodes tailor shop:  Order your summers suit. Because is big

rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

 

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:  There will be a Moscow Exhibition

af Arts by 15000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These

were executed over the past two years.

 

In an East African newspaper:  A new swimming pool is rapidly taking

shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

 

In a Vienna hotel:  In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

 

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest:  It is strictly forbidden

on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for

instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are

married with each other for that purpose.

 

In a Zurich hotel:  Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests

of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby

be used for this purpose.

 

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:  Teeth extracted by the

latest Methodists.

 

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book:  A lot of water

has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

 

In a Rome laundry:  Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the

afternoon having a good time.

 

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:  Take one of our horse-driven

city tours — we guarantee no miscarriages.

 

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:  Would you like to ride

on your own ass?

 

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom:  To stop the drip, turn cock

to right.

 

In the window of a Swedish furrier:  Fur coats made for ladies from

their own skin.

 

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:  Guaranteed to

work throughout its useful life.

 

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:  Stop: Drive Sideways.

 

In a Swiss mountain inn:  Special today — no ice cream.

 

In a Bangkok temple:  It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner

if dressed as a man.

 

In a Tokyo bar:  Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

 

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:  We take your bags and send

them in all directions.

 

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:  If this is your first visit

to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

 

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:  Ladies are requested not to have

children in the bar.

 

At a Budapest zoo:  Please do not feed the animals. If you have

any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

 

In the office of a Roman doctor:  Specialist in women and other

diseases.

 

In an Acapulco hotel:  The manager has personally passed all the

water served here.

 

In a Tokyo shop:  Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find

they are best in the long run.

 

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air

conditioner:  Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm

in your room, please control yourself.

 

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:  When passenger of

foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at

first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with

vigor.

 

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:

– English well talking.

– Here speeching American.

Signs That Make You Say Huh?

 

 

Spotted in a toilet of a London (UK) office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER  YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)

 

Notice on a restaurant window
LUNCH SERVED DAY AND NIGHT

Ten Reasons to Go to Work Naked

 

 

1. Your boss is always yelling, “I wanna see your ass
in here by 8:00!”

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to
work on your tan.

3. “I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my
pants.”

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking
down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it’s like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can
add “Exotic Dancer” to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen
where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came
to work drunk.

9. Gives “bad hair day” a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

Bedroom Golf!! So when do you turn pro?

1)Each player shall furnish his
own equipment for play, normally
one club and two balls.
2)Course played on must be
approved by the owner of the
hole.
3)Unlike outdoor golf, the object
is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out of the hole.
4)For most effective play, the club
should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check
shaft stiffness before play begins.
5)Course owners reserve the right
to restrict the length of the club
to avoid damage to the hole.
6)The object of the game is to
take as many strokes as necessary
until the course owner is satisfied
that the play is complete. Failure
to do so may result in being
denied permission to play the
course again!
7)It is considered bad form to
begin playing the hole
immediately upon arrival at the
course. The experienced player
will normally take time to admire
the entire course, with special
attention to well formed bunkers.
8)Players are cautioned not to
mention other courses they have
played on or are currently
playing, to the owner of the
course being played. Upset
course owners have been known
to damage a player’s equipment
for this reason.
9)Players are encouraged to have
proper rain gear along, just in
case.
10)Players should assure
themselves that their match has
been properly scheduled,
particularly when a new course is
being played on for the first time.
Previous players have been
known to become irate if they
discover someone else playing
what they consider to be a private
course.
11)Players should not assume a
course is in shape for play at all
times. Some players may be
embarrassed if they find the
course to be temporarily under
repair. Players are advised to be
extremely tactful in this situation.
More advanced players will find
alternate means of play when this
is the case.
12)Players are advised to obtain
the course owner’s permission
before attempting to play the
back nine.
13)Slow play is encouraged;
however, players should be
prepared to proceed at a quicker
pace, at least temporarily, at the
course owners request.
14)It is considered outstanding
performance, time permitting, to
play the same hole several times
in one match.
15)The course owner will be the
sole judge of who is the best
player.
16)Players are advised to think
twice before considering
membership at a golf course.
Additional assessments may be
levied by the course owner and
the rules are subject to change at
any time. For this reason, many
players prefer to continue playing
on several different courses.