A Mother’s Dictionary

AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am also.

DEFENSE: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let de children play outside.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: A contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STOREROOM: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words

WEAKER SEX: The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”

Packing..!!

A man and his wife quarreled and had a fight

After the fight, the wife went into the bedroom. A few minutes later, the husband also trooped into the bedroom only to find the wife busy packing her suitcase.

Husband: “You are packing! Where are you going??”
Wife: “To my mother!”

The man paused for a while and also got his big brown pure leather suitcase and started packing his clothes.

The wife angrily stared at him and said: “You are packing! Where are you going?” Husband replied: ” Oh ya! I am going to my mother!”

Wife: “To your mother! And what about the children?! Who is going to look after them?”

Husband: “You are going to your mother, I am going to my mother and the children should also go to their mother”

Do not underestimate your mother!

A young man called Paul invited his mother for dinner, during the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how attractive Paul’s flat mate, Tracy was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Paul and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mums thoughts, Paul volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tracy & I are just flat mates”.

About a week later, Tracy came to Paul saying, “Ever since your Mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the frying pan, you don’t suppose she took it do you?”

“Well I doubt it, but I’ll email her just to be sure” said Paul. So he sat down and wrote:

DEAR MOTHER,

I’M NOT SAYING THAT YOU “DID” TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I’M NOT SAYING THAT YOU “DID NOT” TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT, IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PAUL

Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother which read:

DEAR SON,

I’M NOT SAYING THAT YOU “DO” SLEEP WITH TRACY, AND I’M NOT SAYING THAT YOU “DO NOT” SLEEP WITH TRACY, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT, IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM

Lesson of the day, NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER