Some more scripts from Medical Charts!

 “unresponsive and in no distress”

 “nonverbal, noncommunicative and offers no complaints”

 “irregular heart failure”

 “The need to maintain dialogue with the family regarding the appropriatenss of limiting futile care to the patient is noted”

 “his Hct is stable but dropping”

 “I don’t want to be incubated again”

 Indication for CXR – “coffee bean emesis”

 “increased worriation”

 “V/Q scan was positive for low probability”

 “pt was apprehended and guarded”

 “pulses are fixed and dilated”

 in asking about code status – “do you want your wife to receive artificial insemination”

 “Findings compatible with ileus. Bladder is still in colon”

 “be sure to check eyes and nose” (Is and Os)

 “unemployed cashier”

 Reason for leaving AMA – “pt wants to live”

 “I had a kiwi on my chest” (keloid)

 “dictated home O2, transcribed homo too”

 “I have hemorrhoids & the Fitzgeralds”

 “that bacterial virus is a doozy”

 “noncompliant smoker”

 “homodynamic compromise”

 “denies any rectal breeding”

 Indication for an EGD (written by a physician) – “stomach hurt, swallow face in the morning, her poop is black & diabetes”

 “spucus”

 “fireballs in the uterus”

 Reason for office visit – “F\U chest rumbles”

 “partial TAH”

 Nursing notes in the ICU – “MD @ bedside attempted to urinate”

 “titrate Tridil to pain”

 Indication for flex sig – “blood when whipping himself”

 “chicken pops”

 “if she wants children, think about recommending birth control pills”

 “polynephritis”

 “holy systolic murmur”

 “pt expired and was dc’d home”

 “Pt has looked cachectic for the past 3 days”

 “She diuresed pretty well. I gave her 40 of Lasix and she put out 2000 liters.”

 “My back has been hurting ever since they gave me that cauterizer.” (Foley catheter)

 discharge dx=nephrolithiasis; discharge instructions=”drink plenty of urine”

 “Her CHF got much better with diaphoresis”

 “She did not lose control of her rectum”

 Plan – “gently dehydrate”

 “allergic to Sulpher”

 “platelets 1889 – dx thrombocytopenia”

 “essentially tremors”

 “nursing home called for pt acting lethargic”

 “microalbumin anemia”

 “pt is 95% blind”

 chief complaint – “bazaar behavior”

 “GERP”

 “depakote shot for pain”

 “albeauty inhaler”

 “I follow him for his paranoia”

 “We will watch her diarrhea closely”

 NH order – “check pulse everyday”

 allergies – “yes”

 “They took a 50 cent piece out of my colon” (hemicolectomy)

 “She has encephalitis of her right leg.”

 “It has been decided to stop Vancomycin IV since we would need a PICC line and the patient, like many people who have PICC lines might pull the line out.”

 “The surgical team was contracted for a cecal mass.”

 “I need a colectomy because I have pollen in my colon.”

 “This is a 981 YO female with a host of medical problems.”

 “The patient is actually a fairly reliable historian.”

 “hyperglycemia toe”

 “brachycardia”

 order – “DC home when strong”

 “pt was given a banana bath”

 “acid peptic disease”

 “The patient is difficult historian. The question is as to what is going on with the patient.”

 “This is a 75 YO type 2 hypertensive”

 Order “Please feed patient only when awake.”

 “Check orthostasis while on the floor”

 “She is to wear STD stockings”

 Order “aspiration prophylaxis”

 Order “PT/OT eval STAT”

 “nonaudible wheezing noted”

 When asked if she had a discharge, the patient said “No, but I have Blue Cross Blue Shield.”

 “Yes, I just met the Infectious Waste doctor.”

 Nurse to doctor: “I just want to let you know that this lady has had decreased urinary intake.” (Doctor aware)

 “He is allergic to wives.”

 “No clubbing, cyanois, or extremities.”

 “Renal insufficiency. IV Lasix was used to perfuse the kidney.”

 order: “Incentive spriometry Q 1 hour until awake.”

 “fibromyalgia rheumatica”

 “Pleasant man lying comfortably in bed. Appears somewhat uncomfortable”

 “Her stomach showed 3+ edema up to the knees.”

 “Will hold glyburide for now because of reverse hypoglycemia.”

 “pneumonia left femur”

 “2-4 packs of whiskey QD”

 “Pt is on clonidine, not”

True Medical charts (3)

  • She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
  • The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary oedema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
  • Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.
  • He had a left-toe amputation one month ago. He also had a left-knee amputation last year.
  • By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling much better.
  • The patient is a 79-year-old widow who no longer lives with her husband.
  • The patient refused an autopsy.
  • Many years ago the patient had frostbite of the right shoe.
  • The bugs that grew out of her urine were cultured in the Casualty and are not available. I WILL FIND THEM!!!
  • The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

True Medical charts (2)

  • Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
  • She is numb from her toes down.
  • Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
  • The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead.
  • When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
  • Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
  • She has no rigors or chills but her husband says she was very hot in bed last night.
  • She can’t get pregnant with her husband, so I will work her up.
  • Whilst in Casualty she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
  • The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.
  • On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
  • The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
  • I will be happy to go into her GI system, she seems ready and anxious.
  • Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

True Medical charts! (more to follow)

  • The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
  • The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
  • Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
  • She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
  • The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
  • Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (Long fingers?)
  • Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
  • A midsystolic ejaculation murmur heard over the mitral area.
  • The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Actual writings in Mpumalanga Hospital Records!

1. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only 11kgs weight gain in the past three days.
5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. The patient refused autopsy.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

You think you are in love so much you can feel it………!!! Well?

1.    Skippy heartbeat when you think of him/her.
You think it’s: Love
Medical possibility: Tachycardia which may lead to ventricular
fibrillation and Myocardial Infarction (Heart Attack).

2. Restless trembling of hands, feet and other body parts.
You think it’s: Love
Medical possibility: Parkinson’s Disease

3. Constant smiling.
You think it’s: Love
Medical possibility: Bell’s Palsy

4. Absent mindedness, forgetfulness, inability to focus on tasks at work or at home.
You think it’s: Love
Medical possibility: Early Onset Alzheimer’s Disease

5. Frequent or constant sexual arousal.
You think it’s: Love
Medical possibility: Nymphomania

6. Weakening of knees and bursts of energy when he/she calls or comes over.
You think it’s: Love
Medical possibility: Multiple Sclerosis

7. Inability to stop thinking about him/her.
You think it’s: Love
Medical possibility: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

8. Bruising on neck, breasts and other tender areas.
You think it’s: Love
Medical possibility: Leukemia

9. Insomnia.
You think it’s: Love
Medical possibility: Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia

10. Feeling that you can smell/hear/feel him or her when not in his/her presence.
You think it’s: Love
Medical possibility: Schizophrenia

The following extracts come in response to an advert in a South African woman’s magazine called Femina. All of the extracts are from people whose first (or even second) language is NOT English and who live a very rural existence.

Back in 1985, SA Femina Magazine ran an advertisement for Nelex, a medicine for the treatment of a vaginal infection known as Vaginitis.The ad prompted hundreds of letters from sufferers countrywide,  most of them from women who were clearly unsure as to what exactly was wrong with them. The letters were collected by the advertising agency that created the Femina ad who swear that every single one of them is genuine.
1. My interesting language is English, so you better send me an English copy of your vaginitis. Please send me the following symptoms: itching, discharge, unpleasant smell.

2. I am one of those with a virginal problem. I will be very grateful if my disease were acceptable.

3. Dear sirs, greetings as patient to you, but I have not got enough time to express my sickness over this paper. I want to come by myself to confess my sickness to you after I use this Nelex. The trouble is my vaginitis and that I’m so ugly.
4. How can I get vaginal infection? Most chemists cannot help.
5. Is vaginitis normal, or does it occur by mistakes like having sex?

6. My husband is not happy with the behavior of my vagina at bedtime. Please send me more information about these vaginal erections.

7. My symptoms are some of the ones you didn’t mention, so please send me another medicine.
8. Every boyfriend left me and made another girl pregnant, so maybe you can help me.
9. With modern life of anonymous infection, I have found your vaginal infection very handy and unavoidable. I tried Dettol, Omo (washing powder) and also pure brandy. All in vain.
10. My problem is itching, burning pain after intercourse when the weather is cold or foggy. I am a young lady of 1963. Will you please send me more news about my virginia pains during intercourse, even when I’m not having intercourse at all. I use to have sex eight to ten times a day. Now I am very dry. I went to the hospital and they told me I have too much sex. Maybe I should move to Durban for the humidity.

11. I am a girl of 21 years of edge. Can you help me with virginial infractions.

12. Last night the virginial infections suddenly attacked me. What do you want me to do.
13. Please send me Nelex. I am so sick I will even pay for it. My virginia is wide open, but I only slept with my husband alone, but he says I am a bitch.

14. I slept with many men. Can you close my virginia for me.
15. I really want a baby, but I don’t want to be pregnant.

16. The first time noticed vaginal infection was in your advert.
17. My vargin is beginning to irritate me. I scream at it sometimes but it doesn’t help. Sometimes my anus produces an unpleasant smell. Please send my letter back so I can remember what I have written. Please advertise more so that I can remember that I have an infection.
18. I stopped to have sexual intercourse with my husband, but he hasn’t stopped with me. My problem is I feel itching even when my husband romances me with his erection. I never told anyone about my symptoms, now I see them publicly advertised.
19. I am 42 years old, but the infections started when I was much older, and please reply as soon as it is convenient for me.
20. I have pain during sex, and also during intercourse.
21. My virgin is badly leaking. Does Nelex work like a cork?
22. When I was 13 I spray my vagina with Airoma room freshener, now I am 18 and I need your help. Please send any good and large information
to suffering vagina.
23. According to symptoms advertised, I have discovered four of them in my promised one. She urges me so help me to help her. My new address (address supplied) but please send your reply to my old address, can I get vaginal infection without prescription.
24. Nelex the effective treatment, is it also effective in Zimbabwe.
25. My husband does not know where I live, so we never have sex. I have never had sex, but I have this virginity problem. The bath water must have infected me, although I swear nobody bathed after me in the same water. I have re-organised my virginia recently.
26. It is easy to know when I have vaginitis, but how do I know when I do not have vaginitis.
27. How are you at that side or Randburg? I hail to you with my wife’s vaginal infection from Zimbabwe but I know that some people order the thing without knowing them of seeing in other words they order them for nothing without using them.
28. I am 20 years old and will be 21 sooner than expected. I cannot tell my mother about it: she has no vagina.
29. The last time I looked for my vaginitis, I could not find it anywhere.My vagina was discharged recently.
30. My vagina is deceased.

31. I am a doll of 19 and I want to introduce my itchy vagina to you.

32. I hope you are in a favourable condition for my vaginitis.
33. I have this virginity disease. I hope my letter arrives at tea time so you can study it better. I don’t know if the smell really comes from my vagina. My nose cannot reach it properly. But I promise, my body also has some healthy parts.
34. How are you sir? I am very well, but I am also a very sick girl. Thank you for telling us how to avoid burning and itching virgins. I live very far away, and therefore wander if my letter will reach you. I am not an ignorant girl, but how can I be sure.
35. Please rescue my vaginal cavity from attack, sir, and send me this infection quickly. This Nelex it can help me. I will call my first son Nelex. Also my eyes and kids are very itchy. I better stop looking at them.

36. I air my vagina three times a day, much to my husband’s regret.

37. At todays price of water, I’d rather use Nelex.
38. I have five of the four symptoms you mentioned. You will find the vaginal infections at the above address.
39. Please send me everything. The Nelex, the vaginal infections, the vaginitis, the reliable relief from symptoms.