Funny Puns!

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“Well, It’s Not Unusual.”

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t – I’ve cut off your arms!”

13. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says “Dam!”.

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

The Truth!!!! Eventually!!!


WOMEN –
Two female friends are catching up:
– So, how was your evening last night?
– A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes, the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, “granted” me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later.  And you?
– Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful…
  MEN –
Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are “networking”…:
– So, how was your evening last night?
– Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. You?

– A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness.
Couldn’t find the bloody fuse-box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out.
It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful… Dinner was so expensive that I couldn’t afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these darned candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come. In the end, I was so p!ssed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about heck knows what!

Women with lots of questions……..watch out!

>
> WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?”
>
> HUSBAND: “Definitely not!
>
> WIFE: “Why not? Don’t you like being married?”
>
> HUSBAND: “Of course I do.”
>
> WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
>
> HUSBAND: “Okay, okay, I’d get married again.”
>
> WIFE: “You would?”
>
> HUSBAND: ….?
>
> WIFE: “Would you live in our house?”
>
> HUSBAND: “Sure, it’s a great house.”
>
> WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
>
> HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”
>
> WIFE: “Would you let her drive my car?”
>
> HUSBAND: “Probably, it is almost new.”
>
> WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”
>
> HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
>
> WIFE: “Would you give her my jewellery?”
>
> HUSBAND: “No, I’m sure she’d want her own.”
>
> WIFE: “Would she wear my shoes”
>
> HUSBAND: “No, she’s size 6.”
>
> WIFE: — silence —
>
> HUSBAND: “$hit.”
>

Some REAL truths!!!

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
— Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
— Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
— Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
— Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don’t want any more kids.
— Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
— Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
— Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
— Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they’re rich.
— Pam, age 7 (smart girl)

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
– – Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
— Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
— Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T G ET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
— Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is……..
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
— Ricky, age 10

Do you know what I think..????

Fred and Larry got married in California.
They couldn’t afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred’s Mom and Dad’s house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.
She replies, ‘No’.
Johnny asks, ‘Do you know what I think?’
His mom replies, ‘I don’t want to hear what you think!  Just go to school.’
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, ‘Are Fred and Larry up yet?’
She replies, ‘No.’
Johnny says, ‘Do you know what I think?’
His mom replies, ‘Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school ‘
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
‘Are Fred and Larry up yet?’
His mom says, ‘No.’
He asks, ‘Do you know what I think?’
His mom replies, ‘OK, now tell me what you think.’
He says: ‘Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think…… I gave him my airplane glue.’

Observations about Men and Women !! So True!!

Men :
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don’t really care for them.
4. Although they don’t really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.

Women :
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never “have anything to wear”.
4. Although they never “have anything to wear”, they dress beautifully.
5. Although they dress beautifully, their clothes are always “just an old rag”.
6. Although their clothes are always “just an old rag”, they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they just won’t believe you.

Wisdom :
WHEN I HAD BEEN MARRIED FOR 25 YEARS, I TOOK A LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID,
“HONEY, 25 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT,  A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A
SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I DID SLEEP
EVERY NIGHT WITH A REALLY HOT 25-YEAR-OLD BLOND.”

NOW WE HAVE A $2M HOME, A $245, 000.00 CAR, A NICE BIG AND COMFORTABLE BED AND 50″ PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I’M SLEEPING WITH A JADED 50-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU ARE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.”

NOW, MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE AND INTELLIGENT WOMAN. HER ADVICE WAS FOR ME NOT TO HOLD BACK: TO GO OUT & FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD BLONDE, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

Marriage!

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
‘Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?’
‘Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.’

__________

 
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
‘Husband Wanted’.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
‘You can have mine.’

__________  

 
A woman is incomplete until she is married.

Then she is finished .

 
__________

 

A young son asked,
‘Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?’  

Dad replied, ‘That happens in every country, son.’

 
__________

 
Then there was a woman who said,
‘I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.’

 
__________

 
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

 
__________

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say…

talk in your sleep.  
__________  

 
Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking
they had no faults at all.

 
__________

First guy says, ‘My wife’s an angel!’
Second guy remarks, ‘You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.’

 
__________

 
‘A Woman’s Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man ,

to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord,
if I pray for Strength I’ll just beat him to death’

 
__________

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.  A
blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it
overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband
gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on
the sidewalk, and says to him, ‘Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the
end of your stick?  That ticking sound is driving me crazy.’

The blind man replies, ‘If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,
we’d be riding the bus, so shut up.’