30 WAYS TO BE OFFENSIVE AT A FUNERAL: —– (My kind of humor!) I know, I’m evil !!!

1. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with
    you
 2. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your 
    contact lens.
 3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
 4. Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover. 
 5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
 6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
 7. Walk around tellin people that you've seen the will and they're not in
    it.
 8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
 9. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him
    into the coffin.
11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
13. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be
    read before the funeral is over.
15. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor
    who can't afford firewood.
16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
17. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.
20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tatooing on.
21. Put Crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.
22. SHOW UP AT THE FUNERAL SERVICES IN A CLOWN SUIT.
23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
24. When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the
    deceased's mouth.
25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS!
    MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
26. At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
27. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
28. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
29. Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin
    for back-taxes.
30. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight
    face while praising the deceased.

Are you stressed?!

Stress Reliever # 1
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, “What other problem can there be greater than this one?”
__________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 2

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It’s very kind of you, darling, But I don’t have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.
__________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 3
 
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But Mom, I was sitting on Daddy’s lap.
__________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 4
 
Wife to husband: “What’s your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?”
Husband to wife: “Golfing with friends, my dear.”
Wife to husband: “What? At 2 am?”
Husband to wife: “Yes, We used night clubs.”
__________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 5

A newly married man asked his wife, “Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?”

“Honey,” the woman replied sweetly, “I’d have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!”
__________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 6

Father to son after exam: “Let me see your report card.”
Son: “My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.”
__________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 7
 
“How was your blind date?” a college student asked her roommate.
“Terrible!” the roommate answered. “He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.”

 

“Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What ‘s so bad about that?”
“He was the original owner!”
__________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 9
 
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word “beans”.

“My father grows beans,” said one student.

 

“My father cooks beans,” said another.

 

Then little Johnny spoke up: “We are all human beans.”
__________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 10
 
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?”
Millionaire: “I owe everything to my wife.”
Interviewer: “Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?”
Millionaire: “A Billionaire”
__________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 11
 
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.

The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
__________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 12

A husband was asked: “Do you talk to your wife after sex?”

 

He replied: “Depends, if I can find a phone.”
__________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 13

Man to wife on wedding night: “Are you sure I’m the first man you are sleeping with?”

Wife replied: “Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!”
__________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 14

“Why did they stop printing PAMELA ANDERSON stamps in the U.S. ?”
Answer: “Because people started licking the wrong side.”
__________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 15

Doctor to his lady patient: “You look terribly weak and exhausted! Are you having your meals three times a day as I have advised?”
Lady replied: “Doctor, I thought you said three males a day.”
__________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 16

A wife asked her husband: “What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?”

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: “I like your sense of humour.”

What I Want in a Man,Original List:


 

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 36)

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs

3. Has enough money for a nice dinner

4. Wants to talk to me.
5. Laughs at my jokes

6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Has at least one shirt with the arms cut out

8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal

9. Loves to go for drives
10. Seeks romance at least 3 times a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady – splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed

2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public

3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting

5. Doesn’t retell the same joke too many times

6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7 . Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear

8. Appreciates a good TV dinner

9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

 What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn’t scare small children

2. Remembers where bathroom is

3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep

5. Remembers why he’s laughing

6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes

8. Likes soft foods

9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend

 What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing

2. Doesn’t miss the toilet