Bedroom Golf!! So when do you turn pro?

1)Each player shall furnish his
own equipment for play, normally
one club and two balls.
2)Course played on must be
approved by the owner of the
hole.
3)Unlike outdoor golf, the object
is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out of the hole.
4)For most effective play, the club
should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check
shaft stiffness before play begins.
5)Course owners reserve the right
to restrict the length of the club
to avoid damage to the hole.
6)The object of the game is to
take as many strokes as necessary
until the course owner is satisfied
that the play is complete. Failure
to do so may result in being
denied permission to play the
course again!
7)It is considered bad form to
begin playing the hole
immediately upon arrival at the
course. The experienced player
will normally take time to admire
the entire course, with special
attention to well formed bunkers.
8)Players are cautioned not to
mention other courses they have
played on or are currently
playing, to the owner of the
course being played. Upset
course owners have been known
to damage a player’s equipment
for this reason.
9)Players are encouraged to have
proper rain gear along, just in
case.
10)Players should assure
themselves that their match has
been properly scheduled,
particularly when a new course is
being played on for the first time.
Previous players have been
known to become irate if they
discover someone else playing
what they consider to be a private
course.
11)Players should not assume a
course is in shape for play at all
times. Some players may be
embarrassed if they find the
course to be temporarily under
repair. Players are advised to be
extremely tactful in this situation.
More advanced players will find
alternate means of play when this
is the case.
12)Players are advised to obtain
the course owner’s permission
before attempting to play the
back nine.
13)Slow play is encouraged;
however, players should be
prepared to proceed at a quicker
pace, at least temporarily, at the
course owners request.
14)It is considered outstanding
performance, time permitting, to
play the same hole several times
in one match.
15)The course owner will be the
sole judge of who is the best
player.
16)Players are advised to think
twice before considering
membership at a golf course.
Additional assessments may be
levied by the course owner and
the rules are subject to change at
any time. For this reason, many
players prefer to continue playing
on several different courses.

Are you stressed?!

Stress Reliever # 1
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, “What other problem can there be greater than this one?”
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Stress Reliever # 2

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It’s very kind of you, darling, But I don’t have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.
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Stress Reliever # 3
 
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But Mom, I was sitting on Daddy’s lap.
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Stress Reliever # 4
 
Wife to husband: “What’s your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?”
Husband to wife: “Golfing with friends, my dear.”
Wife to husband: “What? At 2 am?”
Husband to wife: “Yes, We used night clubs.”
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Stress Reliever # 5

A newly married man asked his wife, “Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?”

“Honey,” the woman replied sweetly, “I’d have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!”
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Stress Reliever # 6

Father to son after exam: “Let me see your report card.”
Son: “My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.”
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Stress Reliever # 7
 
“How was your blind date?” a college student asked her roommate.
“Terrible!” the roommate answered. “He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.”

 

“Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What ‘s so bad about that?”
“He was the original owner!”
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Stress Reliever # 9
 
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word “beans”.

“My father grows beans,” said one student.

 

“My father cooks beans,” said another.

 

Then little Johnny spoke up: “We are all human beans.”
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Stress Reliever # 10
 
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?”
Millionaire: “I owe everything to my wife.”
Interviewer: “Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?”
Millionaire: “A Billionaire”
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Stress Reliever # 11
 
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.

The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
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Stress Reliever # 12

A husband was asked: “Do you talk to your wife after sex?”

 

He replied: “Depends, if I can find a phone.”
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Stress Reliever # 13

Man to wife on wedding night: “Are you sure I’m the first man you are sleeping with?”

Wife replied: “Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!”
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Stress Reliever # 14

“Why did they stop printing PAMELA ANDERSON stamps in the U.S. ?”
Answer: “Because people started licking the wrong side.”
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Stress Reliever # 15

Doctor to his lady patient: “You look terribly weak and exhausted! Are you having your meals three times a day as I have advised?”
Lady replied: “Doctor, I thought you said three males a day.”
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Stress Reliever # 16

A wife asked her husband: “What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?”

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: “I like your sense of humour.”

What Love means to a 4-8 year olds . . . . . . .

 

Slow down for three  minutes to read this.  It is so  worth it. Touching words  from the mouth of babes.

A group of professional  people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, “What does love  mean?”

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could  have imagined. See what you think:


“When my grandmother  got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
So  my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis  too. That’s love.”

Rebecca- age 8


“When someone loves  you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name  is safe in their mouth.”

Billy – age 4


“Love is when a girl  puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell  each other.”

Karl – age 5


“Love is when you go  out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them  give you any of theirs.”

Chrissy – age 6


“Love is what makes  you smile when you’re tired.”
Terri – age 4


“Love is when my  mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him,  to make sure the taste is OK.”

Danny – age 7


“Love is when you  kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be  together and you talk more.
My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look  gross when they kiss”

Emily – age 8


“Love is what’s in  the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.”

Bobby – age 7 (Wow!)


“If you want to  learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,”

Nikka – age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet)


“Love is when you  tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.”

Noelle –  age 7


“Love is like a  little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they  know each other so well.”

Tommy – age 6


“During my piano  recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people  watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.

He was the only one  doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.”

Cindy – age 8


“My mommy loves me  more than anybody
You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.”

Clare – age 6


“Love is when Mommy  gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.”

Elaine-age 5


“Love is when Mommy  sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert  Redford.”

Chris – age 7


“Love is when your  puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.”

Mary Ann  – age 4


“I know my older  sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and  buy new ones.”

Lauren – age 4


“When you love  somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.”  (what an image)

Karen – age 7


“Love is when Mommy  sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.”

Mark – age  6


“You really  shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should  say it a lot. People forget.”

Jessica – age 8


And the final one —  Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to  judge.

The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child

The winner was a four year  old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently  lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the  old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When  his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,

“Nothing, I just helped him cry”

You think you are in love so much you can feel it………!!! Well?

1.    Skippy heartbeat when you think of him/her.
You think it’s: Love
Medical possibility: Tachycardia which may lead to ventricular
fibrillation and Myocardial Infarction (Heart Attack).

2. Restless trembling of hands, feet and other body parts.
You think it’s: Love
Medical possibility: Parkinson’s Disease

3. Constant smiling.
You think it’s: Love
Medical possibility: Bell’s Palsy

4. Absent mindedness, forgetfulness, inability to focus on tasks at work or at home.
You think it’s: Love
Medical possibility: Early Onset Alzheimer’s Disease

5. Frequent or constant sexual arousal.
You think it’s: Love
Medical possibility: Nymphomania

6. Weakening of knees and bursts of energy when he/she calls or comes over.
You think it’s: Love
Medical possibility: Multiple Sclerosis

7. Inability to stop thinking about him/her.
You think it’s: Love
Medical possibility: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

8. Bruising on neck, breasts and other tender areas.
You think it’s: Love
Medical possibility: Leukemia

9. Insomnia.
You think it’s: Love
Medical possibility: Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia

10. Feeling that you can smell/hear/feel him or her when not in his/her presence.
You think it’s: Love
Medical possibility: Schizophrenia

……..that pig!!!!!?????

If  you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced  enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly  seems worth it.)


If  you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is  produced to create the energy of an atomic  bomb.
(Now  that’s more like it!)


The  human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to  squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A  pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A  cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to  death. (Creepy.)

(I’m  still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a  hour
(Don’t try this at home, maybe at  work)

The  male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to  its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
(  Honey, I’m home. What the…?!)


The  flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping  the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you  imagine?)

The  catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a  pond?)


Some  lions mate over 50 times a day.


(I  still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over  quantity)

Butterflies  taste with their feet.
(Something  I always wanted to know.)

The  strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.  (Hmmmmmm.)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than  left-handed people.
(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the  difference?)

Elephants  are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A  cat’s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that  out?)

An  ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(  I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar  bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they’ll live a lot  longer)

Humans  and dolphins are the only species that have sex for  pleasure.

(What  about that pig??)

Making love is like life….?!

Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It’s got to be hot. You’ve got to take your time. You’ve got to stir… gently, and firmly. You’ve got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

Laying a carpet is… very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you’re adventurous – like me – you might like to try an underlay.

Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

Putting up a tent, is… very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an’…slip in to the old bag.

Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You’ve got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you’ve got a nice wet sponge.

And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You get on the couch, string ’em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight – particularly if it’s a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up while not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you’ve got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there’s plenty of shot in your bag