MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET On Woman………Oops!

InformationSystem

Substance: Woman

Manufacturer: God

Typical Size: Average weight 115lbs.; specimens can vary from 90 to over 200 lbs.

Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface Tension–soft and warm.

2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.

3. Boils at nothing.

4. Freezes without reason.

5. Melts with special reason.

6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.

7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common(h)ore.

8. Yields to pressure applied to specific points.

9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.

10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has affinity for gold, silver, and precious stones.

2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.

3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.

4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.

5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known (See HAZARDS, #3)

COMMON  USES:

1. Highly ornamental.

2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.

3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.

SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION:

1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.

2. Turns green when compared to better specimen.

HAZZARDS:

1. May explode spontaneously without cause.

2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.

3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards.

The person who wrote this should be PRESIDENT! – BRILLIANT!

Dear President Zuma,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing South Africa ‘s economy.

Instead of giving billions of rands to the government that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan :

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them R2 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations :

1) They MUST retire.
Ten million job openings – unemployment fixed

2) They MUST buy a new car.
Ten million cars ordered – Car Industry fixed

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage – Housing Crisis fixed

4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university – Crime rate fixed

5) They MUST buy R100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week….. And there’s your money back in duty/tax etc

It can’t get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances

Also….. Let’s put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They’d receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they’d receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ’s and legal aid would be free, on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.  Live in a tiny room and pay R1,000.00+ per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Think about this (more points of contention) :

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Rivier-sonder-End almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept?

And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 200,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
————————————————————————

Observations about Men and Women !! So True!!

Men :
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don’t really care for them.
4. Although they don’t really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.

Women :
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never “have anything to wear”.
4. Although they never “have anything to wear”, they dress beautifully.
5. Although they dress beautifully, their clothes are always “just an old rag”.
6. Although their clothes are always “just an old rag”, they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they just won’t believe you.

Wisdom :
WHEN I HAD BEEN MARRIED FOR 25 YEARS, I TOOK A LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID,
“HONEY, 25 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT,  A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A
SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I DID SLEEP
EVERY NIGHT WITH A REALLY HOT 25-YEAR-OLD BLOND.”

NOW WE HAVE A $2M HOME, A $245, 000.00 CAR, A NICE BIG AND COMFORTABLE BED AND 50″ PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I’M SLEEPING WITH A JADED 50-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU ARE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.”

NOW, MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE AND INTELLIGENT WOMAN. HER ADVICE WAS FOR ME NOT TO HOLD BACK: TO GO OUT & FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD BLONDE, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

How Indians do Business!!

Rajpat (father): ‘I want you to marry a girl of my choice.’
Son: ‘I will choose my own bride!!!’
Rajpat: ‘But the girl is Bill Gates’s daughter..’
Son: ‘Well, in that case… ok’

Next Rajpat approaches Bill Gates.
Rajpat: ‘I have a husband for your daughter….’
Bill Gates: ‘But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!’
Rajpat: ‘But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.’
Bill Gates: ‘Ah, in that case… ok’

FInally Rajpat goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Rajpat: ‘I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.’
President: ‘But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!’
Rajpat: ‘But this young man is Bill Gates’s son-in-law.’
President: ‘Ah, in that case… ok’

And that my friends is how Indians do business!

THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE:

 

Living on Earth is expensive,
but it does include a free trip
Around the sun every year.

How long a minute is
depends on what side of the
bathroom door you’re on.

Birthdays are good for you;
the more you have,
the longer you live.

Happiness comes through doors you
didn’t even know you left open.

Ever notice that the people who are late
are often much jollier
than the people who have to wait for them?

Most of us go to our grave
with our music still inside of us.

If Shoprite-Checkers is lowering prices every day,
how come nothing is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun
to only make once.

Don’t cry because it’s over;
smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons:
some are sharp, some are pretty,
some are dull, some have weird names,
and all are different colors….but
they all exist very nicely in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who
can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Have an awesome day, and
know that someone
who thinks you’re great
has thought about you today!..

The Mayonnaise Jar

 

When things in your life seem

Almost too much to handle,

When 24 Hours in a day is not enough,

Remember the mayonnaise jar

And 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class And had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly,

He picked up a very large

And empty mayonnaise jar

And proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students

If the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.

He shook the jar lightly.

The pebbles rolled into the open

Areas between the golf balls.

He then asked

The students again

If the jar was full..

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand And poured it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded

With an unanimous “yes.”

The professor then produced

Two cups of coffee from under the table

And poured the entire contents

Into the jar, effectively

Filling the Empty space between the sand.

The students laughed.

“Now,” said the professor,

As the laughter subsided,

“I want you to recognize that

This jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things – God, family, children, health, Friends, and Favorite passions — Things that if everything else was lost And only they remained, Your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter Like your job, house, and car.

The sand is everything else—

The small stuff.

“If you put the sand into the jar first,”

He continued,

“there is no room for

The pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time

And energy on the small stuff,

You will never have room for

The things that are

Important to you.

So…

Pay attention to the things

That are critical to your happiness.

Play With your children.

Take time to get medical checkups.

Take your partner out to dinner.

Play another 18.

There will always be time

To clean the house

And fix the disposal.

“Take care of the golf balls first—

The things that really matter.

Set your priorities.

The rest is just sand.”

One of the students raised her hand

And inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled.

“I’m glad you asked”.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for A couple of cups of coffee with a friend.”