The International Council on Manlaws, Ltd.

 

 

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following
Circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss’s car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is
forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is
unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is
strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip
bar of the birthday boy’s choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not
the weakest.

9: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when
you’re sunning on a tropical beach … and it’s delivered by a
topless model and only when it’s free.

10: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you
allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

11: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

12: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

13: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see
anything.

14: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability
to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

15: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.

16: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be
talking about his choice of beer.

17: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:

a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!

b) C’mon, give me one more! Harder!

c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

18: The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for
Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets
an Xbox. End of story.

19: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s
Gymnastics. Ever.

20: We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you
really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you
informed, the definition of each is listed below:

“GUTS” is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to
say, “are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”

“BALLS” is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping
your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, “Roll over,
You’re next!”

I hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY (Thanks M)



&
Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

&
Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

&
Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

&
Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

&
Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

&
Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

&
Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

&
Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

&
Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

&
Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

&
Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

&
The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

&
Murphy’s Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

&
Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

&
Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

&
Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.

&
Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

&
Doctors’ Law
If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. Don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.

 

 

Forgotton Laws of Newton!

LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.

LAW OF THE BATHROOM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will!

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach

LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold