A Mother’s Dictionary

AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am also.

DEFENSE: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let de children play outside.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: A contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STOREROOM: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words

WEAKER SEX: The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”

No comment needed……


Primary School Children Writing About The Sea

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don’t have sea all round you, you are incontinent.(Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head.(Billy age 8)

6) My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily Burniston age 5)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn’t blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.(William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

9) I’m not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water shot up her fanny (Julie age 7).

 

 

Elementary School Bible test answers!

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH’S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TOMOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADATHEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES..

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

What starts with F and ends with K?


A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, ‘Harry, what’s your problem ?’

Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too !’

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal : ‘What is 3 x 3 ?’

Harry : ‘9.’

Principal : ‘What is 6 x 6 ?’

Harry : ’36.’

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ‘I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.’

Ms. Brooks says to the principal,‘ Let me ask him some questions.’

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of ?’

Harry, after a moment: ‘Legs.’

Ms Brooks: ‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have ?’

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question !

Harry replied : ‘Pockets.’

Ms. Brooks : ‘What does a dog do that a man steps into ?’

Harry : ‘Pants.’

Ms. Brooks : What starts with a C , ends with a T , is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid ?’

Harry : ‘ Coconut.’

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks :‘ What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky ?’

The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, ‘Bubble gum.’

Ms. Brooks : ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs ?’

Harry : Shake hands.’

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks : ‘What word starts with an ‘F ‘ and ends in ‘ K ‘ that means a lot of heat and excitement ?’

Harry : ‘Firetruck.’

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,‘ Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong..…’

KIDS IN CHURCH

 

   
3-year-old Reese:  
“Our Father, Who does art in heaven,    
Harold is His name.  
Amen.”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~    
A little boy was overheard
praying:    
“Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it.    
I’m having a real good time like I am.”    
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~    
After the christening of his baby brother in church,    
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.    
His father asked him three times what was wrong.    
Finally, the boy replied,  
“That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,    
and I wanted to
stay with you guys.”    
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~    
One particular four-year-old prayed,    
“And forgive us our trash baskets    
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”    
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~    
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they    
were on the way to church service,    
“And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”    
One bright little girl replied,    
“Because people are sleeping.”    
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~    
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.    
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.    
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.    
“If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,    
‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’
   
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,    
“Ryan, you be Jesus!”    
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~    
A father was at the beach with his children    
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,    
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore    
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.    
“Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked.    
“He died and went
to Heaven,” the Dad replied.    
The boy thought a moment and then said,    
“Did God throw him back down?”    
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~    
A wife invited some people to dinner.    
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,    
“Would you like to say the blessing?”    
“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.    
“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the wife answered.    
The daughter bowed her head and said,    
“Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”    
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~    

 


To 7 yr olds: What do you think about beer?

Some interesting responses:

7 year old Tim:
” I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets ”

7 year old Mellanie:
” Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice ”

7 year old Grady:
“My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn’t think this is very funny ”

7 year old Toby:
” My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing ”

7 year old Sarah:
“My Dad gets pissed on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn’t have too much ”

7 year old Lilly:
” My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool ”

7 year old Ethan:
” I don’t like beer very much Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbaque and they taste disgusting ”

7 year old Shirley:
” I give Dad’s beer to the Dog and he goes to sleep”

7 year old Jack:
” My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn’t make any sense”

Kids advice ….. to Kids….!

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. – Patrick, age 10

2. When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” don’t answer him.
– Michael, 14

3. Never tell your mom her diet’s not working. – Michael, 14

4. Stay away from prunes. – Randy, 9

5. Never pee on an electric fence. – Robert, 13

6. Don’t squat with your spurs on. – Noronha, 13

7. Don’t pull dad’s finger when he tells you to. – Emily, 10

8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair. –
Taylia, 11

9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school
assignment. – Traci, 14

10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. – Kyoyo, 9

11. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. – Armir, 9

12. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. – Lauren, 9

13. Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat. – Joel, 10

14. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on
the phone. – Alyesha, 13

15. Never try to baptize a cat. – Eileen, 8