A Mother’s Dictionary

AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am also.

DEFENSE: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let de children play outside.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: A contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STOREROOM: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words

WEAKER SEX: The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”

South African piping specs for use on all future projects.

1.264 Definitions for Pipes [As amended 01 05 06] per
Govt.Gazette 6784A/BZ/a1.

1. All pipes are to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal, copper or plastic
2. All pipes are to be hollow throughout the entire length – do not use holes of different length than the pipe.
3. The ID (Inside Diameter) of all pipe must not exceed their OD (Outside Diameter) – otherwise the hole would be on the outside.
4. The pipe is supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later stage.
5. All pipe is to be supplied without rust: this can be more readily on the job site. NOTE: Some vendors are now able to supply pre – rusted pipes. If available in your area, this product is recommended, as it will save a great deal of time on the site.
6. All pipes over 150m in length should have the words “LONG PIPE” clearly painted on each side and end, so that the contractor will know it is a long pipe.
7. Pipe over 3 000m in length must have the words LONG PIPE” painted in the middle so that the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of pipe to determine whether it is a long or short pipe.
8. All pipe over 1.8m in diameter must have the words “LARGE PIPE” painted on it, so that the contractor won’t mistake it for a small pipe.
9. Flanges can be used on pipes. Flanges must have holes for bolts, quite separate from the big holes in the middle.
10. When ordering 90 or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left – hand or right – hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow in the wrong direction.
12. All couplings should have either right – handed or left – handed threads, otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on to one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.
13. All pipes shorter than 3mm are very un–economical in use, requiring many joints. They are generally known as washers.
14. Joints in pipes for water must be watertight. Those pipes for compressed air, however, need only be airtight.
15. Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. This method is not recommended for concrete or earthenware pipes.
16. Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include Conduit, Tube, Tunnel and Drain. Use only genuine pipes.

 

Clever Eddy! Can you answer before he does?!

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, “Eddy what is your problem?” Eddy answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!”

The teacher had had enough.

She took Eddy to the principal’s office.

While Eddy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

The teacher agreed.

Eddy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Eddy: “9”.

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Eddy: “36”.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Eddy can go to the third-grade.”

The teacher says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?”

The principal and Eddy both agree.

The teacher asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Eddy, after a moment, “Legs.”

Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Eddy replied, “Pockets.”

Teacher: What’s starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Eddy: Coconut

The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Eddy was taking charge.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Eddy: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Eddy: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort of questions, okay?
Eddy: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Eddy: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Eddy: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Eddy: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Eddy: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of excitement?
Eddy: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Eddy in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself.”

Some interesting facts!

‘Stewardesses’ is the longest word typed with only the left hand

And ‘lollipop’ is the longest word typed with your right hand.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

‘Dreamt’ is the only English word that ends in the letters ‘mt’.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing..as do some other body parts to eh??.

The sentence: ‘The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog’ uses every letter of the alphabet.

The words ‘racecar,’

and ‘level’ are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are only four words in the English language which end in ‘dous’: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: ‘abstemious’ and ‘facetious.’ (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u)

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A ‘jiffy’ is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber band last longer when refrigerated.

The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE 2 moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls

froze completely solid.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Winston Churchill

was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Now you know more than you did before!!

Are you stressed?!

Stress Reliever # 1
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, “What other problem can there be greater than this one?”
__________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 2

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It’s very kind of you, darling, But I don’t have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.
__________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 3
 
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But Mom, I was sitting on Daddy’s lap.
__________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 4
 
Wife to husband: “What’s your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?”
Husband to wife: “Golfing with friends, my dear.”
Wife to husband: “What? At 2 am?”
Husband to wife: “Yes, We used night clubs.”
__________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 5

A newly married man asked his wife, “Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?”

“Honey,” the woman replied sweetly, “I’d have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!”
__________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 6

Father to son after exam: “Let me see your report card.”
Son: “My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.”
__________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 7
 
“How was your blind date?” a college student asked her roommate.
“Terrible!” the roommate answered. “He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.”

 

“Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What ‘s so bad about that?”
“He was the original owner!”
__________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 9
 
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word “beans”.

“My father grows beans,” said one student.

 

“My father cooks beans,” said another.

 

Then little Johnny spoke up: “We are all human beans.”
__________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 10
 
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?”
Millionaire: “I owe everything to my wife.”
Interviewer: “Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?”
Millionaire: “A Billionaire”
__________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 11
 
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.

The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
__________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 12

A husband was asked: “Do you talk to your wife after sex?”

 

He replied: “Depends, if I can find a phone.”
__________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 13

Man to wife on wedding night: “Are you sure I’m the first man you are sleeping with?”

Wife replied: “Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!”
__________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 14

“Why did they stop printing PAMELA ANDERSON stamps in the U.S. ?”
Answer: “Because people started licking the wrong side.”
__________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 15

Doctor to his lady patient: “You look terribly weak and exhausted! Are you having your meals three times a day as I have advised?”
Lady replied: “Doctor, I thought you said three males a day.”
__________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 16

A wife asked her husband: “What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?”

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: “I like your sense of humour.”

LEAVING THE OFFICE EARLY……..

 
>
>
> Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
> Each
> day, they noticed the boss left work early.
> One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave
> right
> behind her.
>
> After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know
> they went home early??
>
>
> The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening,
> spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
>
>
> The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa
> before meeting a dinner date.
>
>
> The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but
> when
> she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
>
> Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see
> her
> husband in bed with her lady boss!!
>
> Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
>
>
> The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to
> leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with
> them.
>
>
> “No way”, the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday.”

Starbucks………!


I was in Starbucks recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.
The music was really loud so I timed it with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel better.
I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me…
And suddenly I remembered I was listening to my iPod…and how was your day?
That’s what happens when old people start using technology !

They walk among us……….. SCARY!!!

*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone
shouted….”Look at that dead bird!” Someone looked up at the sky and
said…”where???”*

**They Walk among us!!*

***
While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction
was north because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking him up every
morning. She asked, “Does the sun rise in the north?” When my brother
explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook
her head and said, “Oh, I don’t keep up with that stuff.” *

**They Walk Among Us!!*

****
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard
one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on
her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but “didn’t
think she’d get sunburned because the car was moving”.*

**They Walk Among Us!!!!*

***
I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half kilogram
sirloin. She informed me they only had an 500g sirloin. Not wanting to
make a scene, I told her I would take the 500g steak instead of the
half-kgr.*

**They walk among us! *

****
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it’s designed to cut through a
seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the boot…*

**They Walk Among Us!!!!!*

***
My friends and I were on a Lager run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount…. *

**They Walk Among Us!!!!!!*

***
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, “Wouldn’t the chain rip
out every time she turned her head?” I had to explain that a person’s nose
and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is
turned…*

**They Walk Among Us!!!!!!! *

***
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to
go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
“Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6
pieces.*

**Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!*

*Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce!!!!*

QUESTIONS YOU JUST CAN’T ANSWER……..OR CAN YOU??


Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle
without a razor?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know
there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake
up every two hours?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice
as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem
longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it
would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder…….

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll
squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?’

Who was the first person to say, ‘See that chicken there… I’m
gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it’s bum.’

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the
toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don’t point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed
if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They’re both dogs!

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

Stop singing and read on……

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad
at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out
the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Chemist’s last words…….!

1) And now the tasting test …

2) And now shake it a bit …

3) In which glass was my mineral water?

4) Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?

5) And now the detonating gas problem.

6) This is a completely safe experimental setup.

7) Now you can take the protection window away …

8) Where do all those holes in my kettle come from?

9) And now a cigarette …