Are you stressed?!

Stress Reliever # 1
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, “What other problem can there be greater than this one?”
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Stress Reliever # 2

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It’s very kind of you, darling, But I don’t have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.
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Stress Reliever # 3
 
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But Mom, I was sitting on Daddy’s lap.
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Stress Reliever # 4
 
Wife to husband: “What’s your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?”
Husband to wife: “Golfing with friends, my dear.”
Wife to husband: “What? At 2 am?”
Husband to wife: “Yes, We used night clubs.”
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Stress Reliever # 5

A newly married man asked his wife, “Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?”

“Honey,” the woman replied sweetly, “I’d have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!”
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Stress Reliever # 6

Father to son after exam: “Let me see your report card.”
Son: “My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.”
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Stress Reliever # 7
 
“How was your blind date?” a college student asked her roommate.
“Terrible!” the roommate answered. “He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.”

 

“Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What ‘s so bad about that?”
“He was the original owner!”
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Stress Reliever # 9
 
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word “beans”.

“My father grows beans,” said one student.

 

“My father cooks beans,” said another.

 

Then little Johnny spoke up: “We are all human beans.”
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Stress Reliever # 10
 
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?”
Millionaire: “I owe everything to my wife.”
Interviewer: “Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?”
Millionaire: “A Billionaire”
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Stress Reliever # 11
 
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.

The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
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Stress Reliever # 12

A husband was asked: “Do you talk to your wife after sex?”

 

He replied: “Depends, if I can find a phone.”
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Stress Reliever # 13

Man to wife on wedding night: “Are you sure I’m the first man you are sleeping with?”

Wife replied: “Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!”
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Stress Reliever # 14

“Why did they stop printing PAMELA ANDERSON stamps in the U.S. ?”
Answer: “Because people started licking the wrong side.”
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Stress Reliever # 15

Doctor to his lady patient: “You look terribly weak and exhausted! Are you having your meals three times a day as I have advised?”
Lady replied: “Doctor, I thought you said three males a day.”
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Stress Reliever # 16

A wife asked her husband: “What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?”

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: “I like your sense of humour.”

INSTALLING A HUSBAND…….


Dear Tech Support,

Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in

overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which

operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as: Romance 9.5 and

Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as CRICKET 3.0 and GOLF CLUBS 4.1.1

Also Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems but to no avail.

What can I do??

Signed,

Desperate.

 

 

DEAR DESPERATE ,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2

and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.1.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0

should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to

Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7…0 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Trojan

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the

background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5…0 program.

These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory

and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to

improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!

Tech Support

The Truth!!!! Eventually!!!


WOMEN –
Two female friends are catching up:
– So, how was your evening last night?
– A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes, the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, “granted” me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later.  And you?
– Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful…
  MEN –
Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are “networking”…:
– So, how was your evening last night?
– Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. You?

– A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness.
Couldn’t find the bloody fuse-box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out.
It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful… Dinner was so expensive that I couldn’t afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these darned candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come. In the end, I was so p!ssed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about heck knows what!