A Mother’s Dictionary

AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am also.

DEFENSE: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let de children play outside.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: A contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STOREROOM: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words

WEAKER SEX: The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”

Some more scripts from Medical Charts!

 “unresponsive and in no distress”

 “nonverbal, noncommunicative and offers no complaints”

 “irregular heart failure”

 “The need to maintain dialogue with the family regarding the appropriatenss of limiting futile care to the patient is noted”

 “his Hct is stable but dropping”

 “I don’t want to be incubated again”

 Indication for CXR – “coffee bean emesis”

 “increased worriation”

 “V/Q scan was positive for low probability”

 “pt was apprehended and guarded”

 “pulses are fixed and dilated”

 in asking about code status – “do you want your wife to receive artificial insemination”

 “Findings compatible with ileus. Bladder is still in colon”

 “be sure to check eyes and nose” (Is and Os)

 “unemployed cashier”

 Reason for leaving AMA – “pt wants to live”

 “I had a kiwi on my chest” (keloid)

 “dictated home O2, transcribed homo too”

 “I have hemorrhoids & the Fitzgeralds”

 “that bacterial virus is a doozy”

 “noncompliant smoker”

 “homodynamic compromise”

 “denies any rectal breeding”

 Indication for an EGD (written by a physician) – “stomach hurt, swallow face in the morning, her poop is black & diabetes”

 “spucus”

 “fireballs in the uterus”

 Reason for office visit – “F\U chest rumbles”

 “partial TAH”

 Nursing notes in the ICU – “MD @ bedside attempted to urinate”

 “titrate Tridil to pain”

 Indication for flex sig – “blood when whipping himself”

 “chicken pops”

 “if she wants children, think about recommending birth control pills”

 “polynephritis”

 “holy systolic murmur”

 “pt expired and was dc’d home”

 “Pt has looked cachectic for the past 3 days”

 “She diuresed pretty well. I gave her 40 of Lasix and she put out 2000 liters.”

 “My back has been hurting ever since they gave me that cauterizer.” (Foley catheter)

 discharge dx=nephrolithiasis; discharge instructions=”drink plenty of urine”

 “Her CHF got much better with diaphoresis”

 “She did not lose control of her rectum”

 Plan – “gently dehydrate”

 “allergic to Sulpher”

 “platelets 1889 – dx thrombocytopenia”

 “essentially tremors”

 “nursing home called for pt acting lethargic”

 “microalbumin anemia”

 “pt is 95% blind”

 chief complaint – “bazaar behavior”

 “GERP”

 “depakote shot for pain”

 “albeauty inhaler”

 “I follow him for his paranoia”

 “We will watch her diarrhea closely”

 NH order – “check pulse everyday”

 allergies – “yes”

 “They took a 50 cent piece out of my colon” (hemicolectomy)

 “She has encephalitis of her right leg.”

 “It has been decided to stop Vancomycin IV since we would need a PICC line and the patient, like many people who have PICC lines might pull the line out.”

 “The surgical team was contracted for a cecal mass.”

 “I need a colectomy because I have pollen in my colon.”

 “This is a 981 YO female with a host of medical problems.”

 “The patient is actually a fairly reliable historian.”

 “hyperglycemia toe”

 “brachycardia”

 order – “DC home when strong”

 “pt was given a banana bath”

 “acid peptic disease”

 “The patient is difficult historian. The question is as to what is going on with the patient.”

 “This is a 75 YO type 2 hypertensive”

 Order “Please feed patient only when awake.”

 “Check orthostasis while on the floor”

 “She is to wear STD stockings”

 Order “aspiration prophylaxis”

 Order “PT/OT eval STAT”

 “nonaudible wheezing noted”

 When asked if she had a discharge, the patient said “No, but I have Blue Cross Blue Shield.”

 “Yes, I just met the Infectious Waste doctor.”

 Nurse to doctor: “I just want to let you know that this lady has had decreased urinary intake.” (Doctor aware)

 “He is allergic to wives.”

 “No clubbing, cyanois, or extremities.”

 “Renal insufficiency. IV Lasix was used to perfuse the kidney.”

 order: “Incentive spriometry Q 1 hour until awake.”

 “fibromyalgia rheumatica”

 “Pleasant man lying comfortably in bed. Appears somewhat uncomfortable”

 “Her stomach showed 3+ edema up to the knees.”

 “Will hold glyburide for now because of reverse hypoglycemia.”

 “pneumonia left femur”

 “2-4 packs of whiskey QD”

 “Pt is on clonidine, not”

Funny Puns!

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“Well, It’s Not Unusual.”

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t – I’ve cut off your arms!”

13. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says “Dam!”.

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

South African piping specs for use on all future projects.

1.264 Definitions for Pipes [As amended 01 05 06] per
Govt.Gazette 6784A/BZ/a1.

1. All pipes are to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal, copper or plastic
2. All pipes are to be hollow throughout the entire length – do not use holes of different length than the pipe.
3. The ID (Inside Diameter) of all pipe must not exceed their OD (Outside Diameter) – otherwise the hole would be on the outside.
4. The pipe is supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later stage.
5. All pipe is to be supplied without rust: this can be more readily on the job site. NOTE: Some vendors are now able to supply pre – rusted pipes. If available in your area, this product is recommended, as it will save a great deal of time on the site.
6. All pipes over 150m in length should have the words “LONG PIPE” clearly painted on each side and end, so that the contractor will know it is a long pipe.
7. Pipe over 3 000m in length must have the words LONG PIPE” painted in the middle so that the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of pipe to determine whether it is a long or short pipe.
8. All pipe over 1.8m in diameter must have the words “LARGE PIPE” painted on it, so that the contractor won’t mistake it for a small pipe.
9. Flanges can be used on pipes. Flanges must have holes for bolts, quite separate from the big holes in the middle.
10. When ordering 90 or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left – hand or right – hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow in the wrong direction.
12. All couplings should have either right – handed or left – handed threads, otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on to one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.
13. All pipes shorter than 3mm are very un–economical in use, requiring many joints. They are generally known as washers.
14. Joints in pipes for water must be watertight. Those pipes for compressed air, however, need only be airtight.
15. Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. This method is not recommended for concrete or earthenware pipes.
16. Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include Conduit, Tube, Tunnel and Drain. Use only genuine pipes.

 

Some interesting facts!

‘Stewardesses’ is the longest word typed with only the left hand

And ‘lollipop’ is the longest word typed with your right hand.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

‘Dreamt’ is the only English word that ends in the letters ‘mt’.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing..as do some other body parts to eh??.

The sentence: ‘The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog’ uses every letter of the alphabet.

The words ‘racecar,’

and ‘level’ are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are only four words in the English language which end in ‘dous’: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: ‘abstemious’ and ‘facetious.’ (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u)

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A ‘jiffy’ is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber band last longer when refrigerated.

The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE 2 moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls

froze completely solid.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Winston Churchill

was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Now you know more than you did before!!

True Medical charts (4)

  • I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
  • The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
  • Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
  • The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
  • Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
  • The patient has no past history of suicides.
  • The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
  • Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
  • Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.
  • The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

True Medical charts (3)

  • She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
  • The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary oedema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
  • Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.
  • He had a left-toe amputation one month ago. He also had a left-knee amputation last year.
  • By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling much better.
  • The patient is a 79-year-old widow who no longer lives with her husband.
  • The patient refused an autopsy.
  • Many years ago the patient had frostbite of the right shoe.
  • The bugs that grew out of her urine were cultured in the Casualty and are not available. I WILL FIND THEM!!!
  • The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.