Funny Puns!

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“Well, It’s Not Unusual.”

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t – I’ve cut off your arms!”

13. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says “Dam!”.

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

South African piping specs for use on all future projects.

1.264 Definitions for Pipes [As amended 01 05 06] per
Govt.Gazette 6784A/BZ/a1.

1. All pipes are to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal, copper or plastic
2. All pipes are to be hollow throughout the entire length – do not use holes of different length than the pipe.
3. The ID (Inside Diameter) of all pipe must not exceed their OD (Outside Diameter) – otherwise the hole would be on the outside.
4. The pipe is supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later stage.
5. All pipe is to be supplied without rust: this can be more readily on the job site. NOTE: Some vendors are now able to supply pre – rusted pipes. If available in your area, this product is recommended, as it will save a great deal of time on the site.
6. All pipes over 150m in length should have the words “LONG PIPE” clearly painted on each side and end, so that the contractor will know it is a long pipe.
7. Pipe over 3 000m in length must have the words LONG PIPE” painted in the middle so that the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of pipe to determine whether it is a long or short pipe.
8. All pipe over 1.8m in diameter must have the words “LARGE PIPE” painted on it, so that the contractor won’t mistake it for a small pipe.
9. Flanges can be used on pipes. Flanges must have holes for bolts, quite separate from the big holes in the middle.
10. When ordering 90 or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left – hand or right – hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow in the wrong direction.
12. All couplings should have either right – handed or left – handed threads, otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on to one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.
13. All pipes shorter than 3mm are very un–economical in use, requiring many joints. They are generally known as washers.
14. Joints in pipes for water must be watertight. Those pipes for compressed air, however, need only be airtight.
15. Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. This method is not recommended for concrete or earthenware pipes.
16. Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include Conduit, Tube, Tunnel and Drain. Use only genuine pipes.

 

The person who wrote this should be PRESIDENT! – BRILLIANT!

Dear President Zuma,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing South Africa ‘s economy.

Instead of giving billions of rands to the government that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan :

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them R2 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations :

1) They MUST retire.
Ten million job openings – unemployment fixed

2) They MUST buy a new car.
Ten million cars ordered – Car Industry fixed

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage – Housing Crisis fixed

4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university – Crime rate fixed

5) They MUST buy R100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week….. And there’s your money back in duty/tax etc

It can’t get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances

Also….. Let’s put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They’d receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they’d receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ’s and legal aid would be free, on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.  Live in a tiny room and pay R1,000.00+ per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Think about this (more points of contention) :

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Rivier-sonder-End almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept?

And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 200,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
————————————————————————

Never assume!!!!

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.
Unfortunately, the wife came

down with a terrible headache and told her

husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested,

but she argued and said she was going

to take some aspirin and go to bed,

and there was no need for his good time

being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for

about an hour, awakened without pain and,

as it was still early enough, decided

to go to the party.

Since her husband did not know what
her costume was, she thought she would

have some fun by watching her husband

to see how he acted when she was not

with him. She joined the party and

soon spotted her husband cavorting around

on the dance floor, dancing with every nice

woman he could, and copping a little

touch here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and, being
a rather seductive babe herself, he left his

current partner high and dry and

devoted his time to the new babe who had just

arrived. She let him go as far as he wished …

naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition
in her ear and she agreed. So off they

went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight,
she slipped away, went home, put the

costume away, and got into bed,

wondering what kind of explanation he would

make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she

asked what kind of a time he had.

He said: “Oh, the same old thing.

You know I never have a good time when

you’re not there.”

– “Did you dance much?”
– “You know, I never even danced one dance.

When I got there, I met Pete,

Bill Browning, and some other guys, so

we went into the den and played

poker all evening. But you’re not going to

believe what happened to the

guy I loaned my costume to…”

Elementary School Bible test answers!

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH’S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TOMOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADATHEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES..

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

Letter from Sipho to Mr. Bill Gates of Microsoft. Eish!

*Subject: Problems with my new computer*

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems,
which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button ‘start’ but there is no ‘stop’ button. We request
you to check this.

2. We find there is ‘Run’ in the menu. One of my friends clicked ‘run’
he ran up to ESANGWENI! So, we request you to change that to ‘sit’, so
that we can click that by sitting.

3. One doubt is whether any ‘re-scooter’ is available in system? I find
only ‘re-cycle’, but I own a scooter at my home.

4. There is ‘Find’ button but it is not working properly. My wife lost
the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ‘ find’ button,
but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

5. My child learnt ‘Microsoft word’ now he wants to learn ‘Microsoft
sentence’, so when you will provide that?

6. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one
icon which shows ‘MY Computer’: when you will provide the remaining
items?

7. It is surprising that windows says ‘MY Pictures’ but there is not
even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.

8. There is ‘MICROSOFT OFFICE’ what about ‘MICROSOFT HOME’ since I use
the PC at home only.

9. You provided ‘My Recent Documents’. When you will provide ‘My Past
Documents’?

10. You provide ‘My Network Places’. PLEASE do not provide
‘My Secret Places’. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after
my office hours.

Regards,

Sipho

Last one from me to Mr Bill Gates :
Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but u are selling WINDOWS?

……..that pig!!!!!?????

If  you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced  enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly  seems worth it.)


If  you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is  produced to create the energy of an atomic  bomb.
(Now  that’s more like it!)


The  human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to  squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A  pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A  cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to  death. (Creepy.)

(I’m  still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a  hour
(Don’t try this at home, maybe at  work)

The  male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to  its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
(  Honey, I’m home. What the…?!)


The  flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping  the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you  imagine?)

The  catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a  pond?)


Some  lions mate over 50 times a day.


(I  still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over  quantity)

Butterflies  taste with their feet.
(Something  I always wanted to know.)

The  strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.  (Hmmmmmm.)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than  left-handed people.
(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the  difference?)

Elephants  are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A  cat’s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that  out?)

An  ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(  I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar  bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they’ll live a lot  longer)

Humans  and dolphins are the only species that have sex for  pleasure.

(What  about that pig??)