A Mother’s Dictionary

AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am also.

DEFENSE: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let de children play outside.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: A contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STOREROOM: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words

WEAKER SEX: The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”

Hotel Signs…….. oh boy!

 

 

In a Tokyo Hotel:  It is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If

you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

 

In another Japanese hotel room:  Please to bathe inside the tub.

 

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:  The lift is being fixed for the next

day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

 

In a Leipzig elevator:  Do not enter the lift backwards, and only

when lit up.

 

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:  To move the cabin, push button for

wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one

should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going

alphabetically by national order.

 

In a Paris hotel elevator:  Please leave your values at the front desk.

 

In a hotel in Athens:  Visitors are expected to complain at the

office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

 

In a Yugoslavian hotel:  The flattening of underwear with pleasure

is the job of the chambermaid.

 

In a Japanese hotel:  You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

 

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox

monastary:  You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian

and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except

Thursday.

 

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:  Not to perambulate the

corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

 

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:  Our wines leave you nothing

to hope for.

 

On the menu of a Polish hotel:  Salad a firm’s own make; limpid

red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted

duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.

 

In a Hong Kong supermarket:  For your convenience, we recommend

coureous, efficient self-service.

 

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:  Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

 

In a Bangkok dry cleaner’s:  Drop your trousers here for best results.

 

Outside a Paris dress shop:  Dresses for street walking.

 

In a Rhodes tailor shop:  Order your summers suit. Because is big

rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

 

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:  There will be a Moscow Exhibition

af Arts by 15000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These

were executed over the past two years.

 

In an East African newspaper:  A new swimming pool is rapidly taking

shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

 

In a Vienna hotel:  In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

 

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest:  It is strictly forbidden

on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for

instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are

married with each other for that purpose.

 

In a Zurich hotel:  Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests

of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby

be used for this purpose.

 

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:  Teeth extracted by the

latest Methodists.

 

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book:  A lot of water

has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

 

In a Rome laundry:  Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the

afternoon having a good time.

 

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:  Take one of our horse-driven

city tours — we guarantee no miscarriages.

 

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:  Would you like to ride

on your own ass?

 

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom:  To stop the drip, turn cock

to right.

 

In the window of a Swedish furrier:  Fur coats made for ladies from

their own skin.

 

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:  Guaranteed to

work throughout its useful life.

 

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:  Stop: Drive Sideways.

 

In a Swiss mountain inn:  Special today — no ice cream.

 

In a Bangkok temple:  It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner

if dressed as a man.

 

In a Tokyo bar:  Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

 

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:  We take your bags and send

them in all directions.

 

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:  If this is your first visit

to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

 

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:  Ladies are requested not to have

children in the bar.

 

At a Budapest zoo:  Please do not feed the animals. If you have

any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

 

In the office of a Roman doctor:  Specialist in women and other

diseases.

 

In an Acapulco hotel:  The manager has personally passed all the

water served here.

 

In a Tokyo shop:  Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find

they are best in the long run.

 

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air

conditioner:  Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm

in your room, please control yourself.

 

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:  When passenger of

foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at

first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with

vigor.

 

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:

– English well talking.

– Here speeching American.

Britain -Complaints to Councils — Classic!


Extracts from letters written by council tenants:

1. It’s the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it’s now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can’t get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

They walk among us……….. SCARY!!!

*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone
shouted….”Look at that dead bird!” Someone looked up at the sky and
said…”where???”*

**They Walk among us!!*

***
While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction
was north because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking him up every
morning. She asked, “Does the sun rise in the north?” When my brother
explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook
her head and said, “Oh, I don’t keep up with that stuff.” *

**They Walk Among Us!!*

****
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard
one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on
her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but “didn’t
think she’d get sunburned because the car was moving”.*

**They Walk Among Us!!!!*

***
I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half kilogram
sirloin. She informed me they only had an 500g sirloin. Not wanting to
make a scene, I told her I would take the 500g steak instead of the
half-kgr.*

**They walk among us! *

****
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it’s designed to cut through a
seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the boot…*

**They Walk Among Us!!!!!*

***
My friends and I were on a Lager run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount…. *

**They Walk Among Us!!!!!!*

***
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, “Wouldn’t the chain rip
out every time she turned her head?” I had to explain that a person’s nose
and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is
turned…*

**They Walk Among Us!!!!!!! *

***
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to
go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
“Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6
pieces.*

**Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!*

*Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce!!!!*

A clever Blond? Ouch!!

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in New York she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin: “Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?”

Not one hand went up …. so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren’t as dumb as most folks think.