30 WAYS TO BE OFFENSIVE AT A FUNERAL: —– (My kind of humor!) I know, I’m evil !!!

1. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with
 2. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your 
    contact lens.
 3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
 4. Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover. 
 5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
 6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
 7. Walk around tellin people that you've seen the will and they're not in
 8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
 9. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him
    into the coffin.
11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
13. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be
    read before the funeral is over.
15. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor
    who can't afford firewood.
16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
17. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.
20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tatooing on.
21. Put Crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.
23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
24. When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the
    deceased's mouth.
25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS!
    MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
26. At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
27. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
28. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
29. Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin
    for back-taxes.
30. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight
    face while praising the deceased.

Sometimes the truth is better left alone!

Once there was a couple in their mid forties walking through a bush path
and they came across a patch of Mushroom. Husband insisted it was the non-
poisonous one while the wife was adamant this was the lethal stuff.

Husband carried on to pick the mushroom and consoled the wife: “What we
will do is we will cook the stuff and feed it to the dog if the dog dies
then we throw it away but if the dog is ok then we will also eat it. They
got home and fed the mushroom, after cooking it to the dog. It was the
happiest dog in the village for a full four hours.

They then proceeded to eat the mushroom themselves. Just as they finished,
their son run into the room and announced in a hurry the death of the dog
and he ran out. The two parents looked at each other and tears rolled down
their cheeks, the husband then announced:

“My wife I should have listened to you, anyway seeing we are going to die I
need to rest in peace and make sure I have been honest with you.

You see that lady from next door has been my part time since we moved in
and we meet in the garden every Sunday, when your sister came for x-mas and
you had too much wine and passed out I slept with her too, your mother too
but only once last year on new year’s eve.”

With tears in her eyes the wife says, “Its ok my darling that was all
weaknesses of the flesh I have forgiven you, but you must listen to me too.
Each time I go to the butchery I always bring a lot of meat, well it¢s
because our second son is the butcher’s child. As much as you have slept
with the lady next door I also sleep with the husband on Saturday evenings
when you are out with the boys, and lastly since we got married 20 years
ago I have never had an orgasm from you.

Both had mixed emotions hatred, regret but their consolation was they were
dying without any secrets so the tears flowed as thy awaited their

Their son then run into the room again and looked at the parents weeping he
then commented: “My God!!, I didn’t realize the two of you loved the dog
that much, anyway the guy whose car ran over the dog says he can buy us
another one!!!!!!!!!!!”