The Flat Tyre!

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the highway, so I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life-like you wouldn’t believe it! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my life-like men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn’t long before an OPP pulled up behind me. He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! “What’s going on here?”

“My car has a flat tire,” I said calmly.

“Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?”

I told him, “Hello-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers.”

30 WAYS TO BE OFFENSIVE AT A FUNERAL: —– (My kind of humor!) I know, I’m evil !!!

1. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with
    you
 2. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your 
    contact lens.
 3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
 4. Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover. 
 5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
 6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
 7. Walk around tellin people that you've seen the will and they're not in
    it.
 8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
 9. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him
    into the coffin.
11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
13. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be
    read before the funeral is over.
15. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor
    who can't afford firewood.
16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
17. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.
20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tatooing on.
21. Put Crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.
22. SHOW UP AT THE FUNERAL SERVICES IN A CLOWN SUIT.
23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
24. When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the
    deceased's mouth.
25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS!
    MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
26. At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
27. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
28. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
29. Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin
    for back-taxes.
30. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight
    face while praising the deceased.