A Mother’s Dictionary

AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am also.

DEFENSE: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let de children play outside.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: A contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STOREROOM: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words

WEAKER SEX: The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”

Hotel Signs…….. oh boy!

 

 

In a Tokyo Hotel:  It is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If

you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

 

In another Japanese hotel room:  Please to bathe inside the tub.

 

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:  The lift is being fixed for the next

day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

 

In a Leipzig elevator:  Do not enter the lift backwards, and only

when lit up.

 

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:  To move the cabin, push button for

wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one

should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going

alphabetically by national order.

 

In a Paris hotel elevator:  Please leave your values at the front desk.

 

In a hotel in Athens:  Visitors are expected to complain at the

office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

 

In a Yugoslavian hotel:  The flattening of underwear with pleasure

is the job of the chambermaid.

 

In a Japanese hotel:  You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

 

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox

monastary:  You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian

and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except

Thursday.

 

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:  Not to perambulate the

corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

 

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:  Our wines leave you nothing

to hope for.

 

On the menu of a Polish hotel:  Salad a firm’s own make; limpid

red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted

duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.

 

In a Hong Kong supermarket:  For your convenience, we recommend

coureous, efficient self-service.

 

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:  Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

 

In a Bangkok dry cleaner’s:  Drop your trousers here for best results.

 

Outside a Paris dress shop:  Dresses for street walking.

 

In a Rhodes tailor shop:  Order your summers suit. Because is big

rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

 

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:  There will be a Moscow Exhibition

af Arts by 15000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These

were executed over the past two years.

 

In an East African newspaper:  A new swimming pool is rapidly taking

shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

 

In a Vienna hotel:  In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

 

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest:  It is strictly forbidden

on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for

instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are

married with each other for that purpose.

 

In a Zurich hotel:  Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests

of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby

be used for this purpose.

 

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:  Teeth extracted by the

latest Methodists.

 

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book:  A lot of water

has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

 

In a Rome laundry:  Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the

afternoon having a good time.

 

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:  Take one of our horse-driven

city tours — we guarantee no miscarriages.

 

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:  Would you like to ride

on your own ass?

 

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom:  To stop the drip, turn cock

to right.

 

In the window of a Swedish furrier:  Fur coats made for ladies from

their own skin.

 

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:  Guaranteed to

work throughout its useful life.

 

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:  Stop: Drive Sideways.

 

In a Swiss mountain inn:  Special today — no ice cream.

 

In a Bangkok temple:  It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner

if dressed as a man.

 

In a Tokyo bar:  Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

 

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:  We take your bags and send

them in all directions.

 

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:  If this is your first visit

to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

 

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:  Ladies are requested not to have

children in the bar.

 

At a Budapest zoo:  Please do not feed the animals. If you have

any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

 

In the office of a Roman doctor:  Specialist in women and other

diseases.

 

In an Acapulco hotel:  The manager has personally passed all the

water served here.

 

In a Tokyo shop:  Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find

they are best in the long run.

 

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air

conditioner:  Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm

in your room, please control yourself.

 

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:  When passenger of

foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at

first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with

vigor.

 

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:

– English well talking.

– Here speeching American.

LEAVING THE OFFICE EARLY……..

 
>
>
> Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
> Each
> day, they noticed the boss left work early.
> One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave
> right
> behind her.
>
> After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know
> they went home early??
>
>
> The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening,
> spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
>
>
> The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa
> before meeting a dinner date.
>
>
> The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but
> when
> she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
>
> Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see
> her
> husband in bed with her lady boss!!
>
> Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
>
>
> The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to
> leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with
> them.
>
>
> “No way”, the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday.”

Ai die blond is alweer besig!!!!

‘n Ou was aangekla van moord en het ‘n groot kans gestaan om die
elektriese stoel te kry. Sy broer vind toe uit dat daar ‘n blondine op die jurie
sou wees wat te vinde sou wees vir ‘n bietjie omkoopgeld. Hy sê toe aan die
blondine dat hy $10,000 sou betaal as sy die jurie kon oortuig om die
aanklag na strafbare manslag te versag. Die jurie was ‘n hele dag uit en kom
toe terug met ‘n vonnis van strafbare manslag. Ná die hofsaak gaan die
broer na die blondine se huis, sê dankie en betaal die $10,000. Die blondine
antwoord dat dit nie maklik was om die ander ouens te oortuig nie. Hulle wou
hom onskuldig bevind het.

A clever Blond? Ouch!!

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in New York she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin: “Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?”

Not one hand went up …. so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren’t as dumb as most folks think.

Blond se PC woordeboek

Log On – Make the braai hotter
Log Off – The braai is too hot
Monitor – Keeping an eye on the braai
Download – Get the firewood off the bakkie
Hard drive – Trip back home without any cold beer
Floppy Disc – What you get lifting too much firewood at once or music
by Brenda Fasie
Keyboard – Where you hang the bakkie and bike keys
Windows – What you shut when it’s cold
Screen – What you shut in the mosquito season
Byte- What mosquitoes do
Bit – What the damn mosquitoes did
Mega Byte -What the blerry mosquitoes do at the lake
Chip – A snack food
MicroChip – What’s left in the bag after they ate all your chips
Modem -What you did to the lawns
Dot Matrix – Old Jacobus Matrix’s wife
Laptop – Where your cat takes some zzzzs
Software – Plastic knife and fork you get at KFC
Hardware – Real stainless steel knives and forks from Pick ‘n Pay
Mouse – What eats the grain in the shed
Mainframe – What holds the shed up
Web – What spiders make
Web Site – The corners under the stoep where the spiders hang out
Cursor – An old ballie who swears a lot
Search Engine – What you do when the bakkie won’t start up
Yahoo – What you shout when the bakkie starts up
Upgrade – A verysteep hill
Server – The oke at the pub that brings out the lunch
Mail Server – The oke that brings the post
User – Your neighbour who keeps borrowing things
Network – When you have to repair your fishingnet
Internet – Complicated fish net repair method
Netscape – When fish manoeuvre out of reach of your net
Online – When the wife finishes hanging out the laundry
Off Line – When the stukkend pegs won’t hold the washing up.