Vonkie's blog!

The following are genuine extracts of letters received by the MINISTRY OF LABOUR (SOUTH AFRICA) from people enquiring after money on the grounds of hardship. They are exact copies as they were received. Neither the wording nor the spelling has been altered.

Extract:
1. I am glad to state that my husband died yesterday. I will be glad if you get me a pension. If you don’t hurry up I will have to get public resistance.
2. I am enclosing my marriage certificate with three children. One of then is a mistake as you can see when you look into it. I am writing to say my youngest son is born two years old. Why not getting allowances for it.
3. I am enclosing certificate with six childran. One of them twins died. You asked if he is christened: yes he was baptised on half a sheet of paper by…

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Vonkie's blog!

This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way,
I don’t believe any of us would have done it!!!!

POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging,
permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites o n rainy week ends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite own tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule
and be able to…

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Vonkie's blog!

The following questions were set in last year’s GED examination These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)…………they walk amongst us and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)

Q. Name a major disease associated…

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Vonkie's blog!

InformationSystem

Substance: Woman

Manufacturer: God

Typical Size: Average weight 115lbs.; specimens can vary from 90 to over 200 lbs.

Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface Tension–soft and warm.

2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.

3. Boils at nothing.

4. Freezes without reason.

5. Melts with special reason.

6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.

7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common(h)ore.

8. Yields to pressure applied to specific points.

9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.

10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has affinity for gold, silver, and precious stones.

2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.

3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.

4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.

5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known (See HAZARDS…

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Vonkie's blog!

1. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only 11kgs weight gain in the past three days.
5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for…

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Vonkie's blog!

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck
fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live
far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a
bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and
picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside
the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little
old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to
get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?’

The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very
close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’

The old…

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Vonkie's blog!

A man came home from work and found his three children outside,
still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A  lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded
against one wall.   In the front room the TV was loudly blaring
a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys
and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the
sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door
was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass
lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly…

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