A Mother’s Dictionary

AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am also.

DEFENSE: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let de children play outside.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: A contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STOREROOM: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words

WEAKER SEX: The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”

What Love means to a 4-8 year olds . . . . . . .

 

Slow down for three  minutes to read this.  It is so  worth it. Touching words  from the mouth of babes.

A group of professional  people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, “What does love  mean?”

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could  have imagined. See what you think:


“When my grandmother  got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
So  my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis  too. That’s love.”

Rebecca- age 8


“When someone loves  you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name  is safe in their mouth.”

Billy – age 4


“Love is when a girl  puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell  each other.”

Karl – age 5


“Love is when you go  out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them  give you any of theirs.”

Chrissy – age 6


“Love is what makes  you smile when you’re tired.”
Terri – age 4


“Love is when my  mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him,  to make sure the taste is OK.”

Danny – age 7


“Love is when you  kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be  together and you talk more.
My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look  gross when they kiss”

Emily – age 8


“Love is what’s in  the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.”

Bobby – age 7 (Wow!)


“If you want to  learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,”

Nikka – age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet)


“Love is when you  tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.”

Noelle –  age 7


“Love is like a  little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they  know each other so well.”

Tommy – age 6


“During my piano  recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people  watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.

He was the only one  doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.”

Cindy – age 8


“My mommy loves me  more than anybody
You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.”

Clare – age 6


“Love is when Mommy  gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.”

Elaine-age 5


“Love is when Mommy  sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert  Redford.”

Chris – age 7


“Love is when your  puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.”

Mary Ann  – age 4


“I know my older  sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and  buy new ones.”

Lauren – age 4


“When you love  somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.”  (what an image)

Karen – age 7


“Love is when Mommy  sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.”

Mark – age  6


“You really  shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should  say it a lot. People forget.”

Jessica – age 8


And the final one —  Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to  judge.

The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child

The winner was a four year  old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently  lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the  old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When  his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,

“Nothing, I just helped him cry”

QUESTIONS YOU JUST CAN’T ANSWER……..OR CAN YOU??


Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle
without a razor?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know
there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake
up every two hours?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice
as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem
longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it
would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder…….

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll
squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?’

Who was the first person to say, ‘See that chicken there… I’m
gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it’s bum.’

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the
toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don’t point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed
if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They’re both dogs!

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

Stop singing and read on……

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad
at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out
the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Do Cats stutter….?? Mmmm…….

A teacher is  explaining biology to  her 4th grade students.

“Human   beings are the only animals that stutter,’ she   says

A little girl raises  her hand. ‘I  had a kitty-cat who  stuttered.’

 

The teacher, knowing  how precious  some of these stories could become,

Asked  the girl to  describe the incident.

 

“Well,” she began,  ‘I was in the  back yard with my kitty

And the  Rottweiler that lives  next door got a running start

And  before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into  our  yard!’
‘That must’ve been  scary,’ said  the teacher.

‘It sure was,’ said  the little  girl.

‘My kitty raised   her back, went “Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,”

But  before  she could say ‘F**k-off !,’ the Rottweiler ate   her!

Daddy Longlegs……..

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
‘Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?’ she asked.
‘They’re mating,’ her father replied.
‘What do you call the spider on top?’ she asked.
‘That’s a Daddy Longlegs,’ her father answered.
‘So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?’ the little girl asked.
‘No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.’

‘The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat…

‘Well, we’re not having any of that moffie kak in our garden’ she said.

Aan die einde van elke jaar moet personeelverslae geskryf word.


Hier is ‘n paar voorbeelde van werklike verslae.

“Sedert my vorige verslag, het hy ‘n nuwe laagtepunt bereik – en hy grou nog steeds!”∙
“Sy mense sal hom enige plek volg – al is dit net uit morbiede nuuskierigheid”∙
Werk goed as hy onder gedurige toesig is en vasgekeer is soos ‘n rot”∙
“Hy is meer van ‘n “won’t be” as ‘n “has-been”∙
“Hy stel baie lae persoonlike doelwitte en en slaag nooit om dit te bereik nie”∙
“Hierdie persoon ontneem een of ander dorpie van ‘n idioot”∙
“Hy lei aan illusies van bekwaamheid”∙
“Hy sal nog ver kom – hoe verder van my af hoe beter”∙
“Hy werk hard daaraan om ‘n punt sonder punt te maak.”∙
“Hy het miskien te veel met gom gewerk”∙
“As hy nog dommer word, sal hy tweekeer per dag natgegooi moet word.”∙
“Hy het sy breins vir wetenskaplike navorsing geskenk voordat hy dit klaar gebruik het.”∙
Die dwarsbalk het gesak en die ligte flikker maar die trein wil nie kom nie”∙
“As jy hom ‘n pennie vir sy gedagtes gee, sal jy kleingeld kry”∙
“Hy sal met ‘n rigtingwyser stry”∙ “Hy het die vermoë om van enige vriend ‘n vreemdeling te maak”∙ “Hy bring baie vreugde as hy die vertrek verlaat”∙
“As jy naby genoeg aan hom staan, kan jy die see hoor”∙
“Wanneer sy IK 50 bereik, moet hy verkoop”∙
“Wanneer jy twee persone sien gesels en die een lyk gefrustreerd, hy is die ander een”∙
“Toe ander uit die fontein van wysheid gedrink het, het hy net gegorrel”∙ “Dit is moeilik om te glo dat hy 1 000 000 ander sperms gewen het na die eiersel toe.”∙
“Die wiel draai maar die hamster is dood
“.

 

Eksamenflaters wat ook sommer onderwysers daaraan herinner om hulle vrae duidelik te vra:

* Vraag: In watter geveg het Hannibal gesterf? Antwoord: sy laaste geveg

* Vraag: Wat is die hoofrede vir mislukking? Antwoord: eksamens

* Vraag: Wat kan jy nooit vir ontbyt eet nie? Antwoord: Middagete, &
aandete

* Vraag: . Wat lyk soos ‘n halwe appel? Antwoord: Die ander helfte

* Vraag: Hoe kan ‘n mens agt dae sonder slaap klaarkom? Antwoord:
Maklik, hy slaap in die nag.

* Vraag: As jy drie appels en vier lemoene in een hand het en vier appels en
drie lemoene in die ander hand het, wat het jy? Antwoord: Baie groot hande

* Vraag: As dit agt mans tien uur neem om ‘n muur te bou, hoe lank sal dit
vier mans neem om dit te bou? Antwoord: Geen tyd nie, die muur is reeds
gebou.

* Vraag: Hoe kan jy ‘n rou eier op ‘n sementvloer laat val sonder om dit te
kraak? Antwoord: Sementvloere is baie hard om te kraak.