Hotel Signs…….. oh boy!

 

 

In a Tokyo Hotel:  It is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If

you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

 

In another Japanese hotel room:  Please to bathe inside the tub.

 

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:  The lift is being fixed for the next

day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

 

In a Leipzig elevator:  Do not enter the lift backwards, and only

when lit up.

 

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:  To move the cabin, push button for

wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one

should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going

alphabetically by national order.

 

In a Paris hotel elevator:  Please leave your values at the front desk.

 

In a hotel in Athens:  Visitors are expected to complain at the

office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

 

In a Yugoslavian hotel:  The flattening of underwear with pleasure

is the job of the chambermaid.

 

In a Japanese hotel:  You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

 

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox

monastary:  You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian

and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except

Thursday.

 

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:  Not to perambulate the

corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

 

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:  Our wines leave you nothing

to hope for.

 

On the menu of a Polish hotel:  Salad a firm’s own make; limpid

red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted

duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.

 

In a Hong Kong supermarket:  For your convenience, we recommend

coureous, efficient self-service.

 

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:  Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

 

In a Bangkok dry cleaner’s:  Drop your trousers here for best results.

 

Outside a Paris dress shop:  Dresses for street walking.

 

In a Rhodes tailor shop:  Order your summers suit. Because is big

rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

 

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:  There will be a Moscow Exhibition

af Arts by 15000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These

were executed over the past two years.

 

In an East African newspaper:  A new swimming pool is rapidly taking

shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

 

In a Vienna hotel:  In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

 

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest:  It is strictly forbidden

on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for

instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are

married with each other for that purpose.

 

In a Zurich hotel:  Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests

of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby

be used for this purpose.

 

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:  Teeth extracted by the

latest Methodists.

 

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book:  A lot of water

has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

 

In a Rome laundry:  Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the

afternoon having a good time.

 

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:  Take one of our horse-driven

city tours — we guarantee no miscarriages.

 

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:  Would you like to ride

on your own ass?

 

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom:  To stop the drip, turn cock

to right.

 

In the window of a Swedish furrier:  Fur coats made for ladies from

their own skin.

 

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:  Guaranteed to

work throughout its useful life.

 

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:  Stop: Drive Sideways.

 

In a Swiss mountain inn:  Special today — no ice cream.

 

In a Bangkok temple:  It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner

if dressed as a man.

 

In a Tokyo bar:  Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

 

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:  We take your bags and send

them in all directions.

 

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:  If this is your first visit

to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

 

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:  Ladies are requested not to have

children in the bar.

 

At a Budapest zoo:  Please do not feed the animals. If you have

any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

 

In the office of a Roman doctor:  Specialist in women and other

diseases.

 

In an Acapulco hotel:  The manager has personally passed all the

water served here.

 

In a Tokyo shop:  Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find

they are best in the long run.

 

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air

conditioner:  Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm

in your room, please control yourself.

 

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:  When passenger of

foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at

first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with

vigor.

 

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:

– English well talking.

– Here speeching American.

Signs That Make You Say Huh?

 

 

Spotted in a toilet of a London (UK) office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER  YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)

 

Notice on a restaurant window
LUNCH SERVED DAY AND NIGHT

Ten Reasons to Go to Work Naked

 

 

1. Your boss is always yelling, “I wanna see your ass
in here by 8:00!”

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to
work on your tan.

3. “I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my
pants.”

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking
down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it’s like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can
add “Exotic Dancer” to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen
where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came
to work drunk.

9. Gives “bad hair day” a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

Bedroom Golf!! So when do you turn pro?

1)Each player shall furnish his
own equipment for play, normally
one club and two balls.
2)Course played on must be
approved by the owner of the
hole.
3)Unlike outdoor golf, the object
is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out of the hole.
4)For most effective play, the club
should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check
shaft stiffness before play begins.
5)Course owners reserve the right
to restrict the length of the club
to avoid damage to the hole.
6)The object of the game is to
take as many strokes as necessary
until the course owner is satisfied
that the play is complete. Failure
to do so may result in being
denied permission to play the
course again!
7)It is considered bad form to
begin playing the hole
immediately upon arrival at the
course. The experienced player
will normally take time to admire
the entire course, with special
attention to well formed bunkers.
8)Players are cautioned not to
mention other courses they have
played on or are currently
playing, to the owner of the
course being played. Upset
course owners have been known
to damage a player’s equipment
for this reason.
9)Players are encouraged to have
proper rain gear along, just in
case.
10)Players should assure
themselves that their match has
been properly scheduled,
particularly when a new course is
being played on for the first time.
Previous players have been
known to become irate if they
discover someone else playing
what they consider to be a private
course.
11)Players should not assume a
course is in shape for play at all
times. Some players may be
embarrassed if they find the
course to be temporarily under
repair. Players are advised to be
extremely tactful in this situation.
More advanced players will find
alternate means of play when this
is the case.
12)Players are advised to obtain
the course owner’s permission
before attempting to play the
back nine.
13)Slow play is encouraged;
however, players should be
prepared to proceed at a quicker
pace, at least temporarily, at the
course owners request.
14)It is considered outstanding
performance, time permitting, to
play the same hole several times
in one match.
15)The course owner will be the
sole judge of who is the best
player.
16)Players are advised to think
twice before considering
membership at a golf course.
Additional assessments may be
levied by the course owner and
the rules are subject to change at
any time. For this reason, many
players prefer to continue playing
on several different courses.

The Best Toast!

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!” That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the
night!He went home and told his wife,Mary,”I won the prize for the Best toast of The night.” She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said,”Here’s to spending the
rest of me life, shopping with yot in the mall
beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast
about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I
was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he’s only been in there
twice in the last four years .
“Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep”.

 

30 WAYS TO BE OFFENSIVE AT A FUNERAL: —– (My kind of humor!) I know, I’m evil !!!

1. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with
    you
 2. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your 
    contact lens.
 3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
 4. Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover. 
 5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
 6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
 7. Walk around tellin people that you've seen the will and they're not in
    it.
 8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
 9. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him
    into the coffin.
11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
13. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be
    read before the funeral is over.
15. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor
    who can't afford firewood.
16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
17. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.
20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tatooing on.
21. Put Crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.
22. SHOW UP AT THE FUNERAL SERVICES IN A CLOWN SUIT.
23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
24. When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the
    deceased's mouth.
25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS!
    MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
26. At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
27. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
28. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
29. Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin
    for back-taxes.
30. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight
    face while praising the deceased.

69 Sex Facts! Weird and funny! Wonder how certain surveys were done!!!!!

 

1. Varsity athletes have more sex. It probably has something to do with being fit and flexible. Which likely makes for more versatility and stamina in the bedroom. There’s a study that proves it!

2. Sex burns 360 calories a day.

3. In Colorado, it is against the law to kiss a sleeping woman. But how would they know unless they have bedroom cameras? This isn’t Big Brother. And who doesn’t love waking up to kisses?! Weird.

4. During the female orgasm, endorphines are released, which are powerful painkillers. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain. So headaches are in fact a bad excuse not to have sex.

5. There are approximately 100 million acts of sexual intercourse each day.

6. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

7. The typical person spends about 600 hours having sex between the ages of 20 and 70.

8. On average, it takes two tablespoons of blood to get a man’s penis erect.

9. Donald Duck comics were once banned from Finland because Donald doesn’t wear pants.

10. According to psychologists, the shoe and the foot are the most common sources of sexual fetishism in Western society.

11. Studies have proven that 85 per cent of men who die of heart attacks during intercourse, are found to have been cheating on their wives. Hmmm, guilty consciences I suppose.

12. The G-spot, a sensitive area located inside the vagina on the upper wall, an inch or two behind the back of the pubic bone, is named for Dr. Ernest Grafenberg. G, (get it?) thanks Doc.

13. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.

14. In the Aztec culture avocados were considered so sexually powerful, virgins were restricted from contact with them.

15. Marilyn Monroe, the most celebrated sex icon of the 20th century, confessed to a friend that despite her three husbands and a parade of lovers, she had never had an orgasm.

16. Studies show that women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.

17. The modern psychiatric definition of nymphomaniac is a woman who cannot experience sexual satisfaction regardless of the number of orgasms or partners she has.

18. Approximately 1% of people worldwide identify as asexual (having no strong sexual attraction to either sex).

19. Researchers say that condoms exposed to smog and ozone are less effective.

20. A survey in Cosmopolitan magazine said that foreplay usually last 14 to 17 minutes for the average married couple, and that the man typically reaches orgasm after six minutes of copulation.

21. The vagina and the eye are self-cleaning organs.

22. Hate the gym? You burn about 200 calories during 30 minutes of active sex.

23. Historical records show that even in 1850, women attempted to practice birth control. The most common method was a mixture of crocodile dung and honey placed in the vagina in the hopes of preventing pregnancy.

24. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than valium!

25. For every ‘normal’ webpage, there are five porn pages.

26. Sex is biochemically no different from eating large quantities of chocolate.

27. Males, on average, think about sex every 7 seconds — which is basically how long it took you to read this sentence.

28. A man’s beard grows fastest when he anticipates sex.

29. Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don’t.

30. Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England – but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

31. “Ithyphallophobia” is a morbid fear of seeing, thinking about or having an erect penis.

32. “Formicophilia” is the fetish for having small insects crawl on your genitals. Gross!!

33. In India, it is cheaper to have sex with a prostitute than buy a condom!

34. Having sex can reduce a fever because of the sweat produced.

35. The average shelf-life of a latex condom is about two years.

36. The Vibrator, a common sex toy for women, was originally designed in the 19 century to fight the anxiety-related symptoms of hysteria. There was even a play done about it, In the Next Room (also known as he Vibrator Play) in 2009.

37. In earlier times, masturbation was believed to lead to blindness, madness, sudden death and other unpleasant diseases. Present research, however, shows no connection.

38. Humans have the LARGEST penis of all primates.

39. A man will ejaculate approximately 18 quarts of semen, containing half a trillion sperm, in his lifetime.

40. The Geisha of Japan would not perform fellatio because it was considered demeaning for the cultured to do so.

41. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. Yabba dabbo dooooo indeed!

42. A medical study conducted in Pennsylvania showed that people who have sex once or twice a week have their immune systems boosted slightly.

43. During the 1920s, it was believed that jazz music caused one to permanately lose his sexual inhibitions. It was often banned in many cities. One private company went as far as to sell the elites “jazz proof” furniture.

44. The earliest known illustration of a man using a condom during sexual intercourse is painted on the wall of a cave in France. It is dated between 12,000 and 15,000 years old.

45. According to a survey of sex shop owners, cherry is the most popular flavor of edible underwear. Chocolate is the least popular.

46. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

47.  Viagra was released in 1998 with over $411 million in profits within its first three months.

48. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

49. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

50. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

51. It takes sperm about 48 hours to move up the vaginal canal, through the cervix, and into the fallopian tube where fertilization begins.

52. A lot of sex can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

53. When surveyed, it was found that 20 per cent of men and 13 per cent of women have had sex in the workplace (either with a co-worker or just simply in the workplace environment with someone). LDU can tell you how to get away with it.

54. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

55. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. Makes you raise an eyebrow as to why that rule had to even be officially made.

56. Most men’s erections are five and a half to six inches long. Although men’s penis sizes tend to vary greatly when they’re soft, the smaller ones expand more when erect than the larger ones.

57. A study shows that 70 percent of married men and women masturbate despite the fact that they should be “getting it” more. Odd. But fun.

58. More than 44 per cent of men and women initiate sex as often as their partners. The rest are clearly just lame.

59. Pubic hair is programmed to grow a certain amount.

60. The term “blow job” comes from the Victorian times. In Victorian times, a slang term for a prostitute was “blowsy.” At the same time, “blow” was slang for ejaculation. Consequently, by the 1930s, the act of fellatio came to be known as a blow job.

61. In Ancient Greece, the common slang for a blow job was “playing the flute.”

62. Performing the act of fellatio massages the jaw while burning anywhere from 30-50 calories per session.

63. Semen contains zinc and calcium, both of which are proven to prevent tooth decay.

64. Studies have shown that men who look at male porn produce more sperm. The studies have shown that the men who watch two men and one woman produced more sperm than those who looked at just women. Scientists speculate that seeing competition makes men step up their baby-making capacities.

65. In Victorian times, whores wore pubic wigs. The pubic wig, known as merkins, has been around since the 1400s when it was originally worn by women who had shaved their pubic hair off to prevent lice. In the Victorian times it was frequently worn by prostitutes who wanted to conceal the fact that they had diseases like syphilis (swear we’re not merkin’ this up). They come in all shapes, sizes and designs (even sparkly butterflies).

66. Condoms were originally made of animal intestines or linen.

67. The word “fuck” is actually an accurate acronym. It dates back to the Good Old Days, when England was severely underpopulated due to the usual combination of fire/war/plague, and the King issued an official order to… well, fuck, to replenish the population. Hence the phrase “Fornicate Under Command of the King” passed into everyday language.

68. The word “sex” was coined in 1382. And that’s all I got on that.

69. Humans are the only species creative enough to “69.” All others have settled for the conventional and practical ways of gettin’ ‘er done.