Are you stressed?!

Stress Reliever # 1
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, “What other problem can there be greater than this one?”
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Stress Reliever # 2

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It’s very kind of you, darling, But I don’t have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.
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Stress Reliever # 3
 
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But Mom, I was sitting on Daddy’s lap.
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Stress Reliever # 4
 
Wife to husband: “What’s your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?”
Husband to wife: “Golfing with friends, my dear.”
Wife to husband: “What? At 2 am?”
Husband to wife: “Yes, We used night clubs.”
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Stress Reliever # 5

A newly married man asked his wife, “Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?”

“Honey,” the woman replied sweetly, “I’d have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!”
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Stress Reliever # 6

Father to son after exam: “Let me see your report card.”
Son: “My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.”
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Stress Reliever # 7
 
“How was your blind date?” a college student asked her roommate.
“Terrible!” the roommate answered. “He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.”

 

“Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What ‘s so bad about that?”
“He was the original owner!”
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Stress Reliever # 9
 
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word “beans”.

“My father grows beans,” said one student.

 

“My father cooks beans,” said another.

 

Then little Johnny spoke up: “We are all human beans.”
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Stress Reliever # 10
 
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?”
Millionaire: “I owe everything to my wife.”
Interviewer: “Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?”
Millionaire: “A Billionaire”
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Stress Reliever # 11
 
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.

The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
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Stress Reliever # 12

A husband was asked: “Do you talk to your wife after sex?”

 

He replied: “Depends, if I can find a phone.”
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Stress Reliever # 13

Man to wife on wedding night: “Are you sure I’m the first man you are sleeping with?”

Wife replied: “Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!”
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Stress Reliever # 14

“Why did they stop printing PAMELA ANDERSON stamps in the U.S. ?”
Answer: “Because people started licking the wrong side.”
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Stress Reliever # 15

Doctor to his lady patient: “You look terribly weak and exhausted! Are you having your meals three times a day as I have advised?”
Lady replied: “Doctor, I thought you said three males a day.”
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Stress Reliever # 16

A wife asked her husband: “What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?”

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: “I like your sense of humour.”

Only real women will understand this…



WOMAN AT THEIR BEST

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the
most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in
the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver
when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that
her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that
she’d be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be
her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more
shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with
a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the
last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the
hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her
husband’s condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, ‘You
went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn’t you! I hope you’re  
proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying

yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive
Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it
will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the

rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you’ll now
be his carer!’ 

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed………..

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, ‘I’m just pulling your leg.
 He’s dead. What did you buy?’

No comment needed……


Primary School Children Writing About The Sea

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don’t have sea all round you, you are incontinent.(Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head.(Billy age 8)

6) My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily Burniston age 5)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn’t blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.(William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

9) I’m not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water shot up her fanny (Julie age 7).

 

 

A little more learning ….. ??? Come on now, we need to keep the grey matter going ….


A Quiz for People Who Know Everything . . .

This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that I didn’t.. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers.
1.     Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2.     What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3.     Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4.     What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5.     In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn’t been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6.     Only three words in Standard English begin with the letters ‘dw’ and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7.     There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

8.     Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9.     Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter ‘S.’

 

Now, let us see ….

 

Scroll down ….

 

Answers To Quiz:

1.     The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends . . Boxing

2.     North American landmark constantly moving backward . Niagara Falls The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

3.     Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons . Asparagus and rhubarb.

4.     The fruit with its seeds on the outside . Strawberry.

5.     How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems)

6.     Three English words beginning with dw . Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.

7.     Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar . . Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8.     The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh Lettuce.

9.     Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with ‘s’. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

RETIREMENT BONUS…….be clever!


 

If this doesn’t make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.  They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.  He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.  He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
‘From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.’

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to ‘drop ’em,’ which he did.  The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief’s weenie and began to work back.  “Dear Lord!”, he suddenly exclaimed,

”Where are your testicles?”

The old Chief calmly replied, ” Vietnam ”.

The Poker Player………..

Two couples were playing poker one evening.
Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob’s wife, Sue wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob’s wife followed and asked, ‘Did you see anything that you like under there?’ Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, ‘Well, you can have it but it will cost you
$500. ‘After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn’t, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob’s house at 2 p.m. sharp – and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 – they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: ‘Did Jim come by
the house this afternoon?’
With a lump in her throat Sue answered ‘Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.’
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, ‘And did he give you $500?’
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, ‘Well, yes,
in fact he did give me $500.’
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, ‘He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.’

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player

What I Want in a Man,Original List:


 

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 36)

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs

3. Has enough money for a nice dinner

4. Wants to talk to me.
5. Laughs at my jokes

6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Has at least one shirt with the arms cut out

8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal

9. Loves to go for drives
10. Seeks romance at least 3 times a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady – splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed

2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public

3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting

5. Doesn’t retell the same joke too many times

6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7 . Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear

8. Appreciates a good TV dinner

9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

 What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn’t scare small children

2. Remembers where bathroom is

3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep

5. Remembers why he’s laughing

6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes

8. Likes soft foods

9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend

 What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing

2. Doesn’t miss the toilet

 

THE HORMONE HOSTAGE…….!!!


THE HORMONE HOSTAGE KNOWS THAT THERE ARE DAYS IN THE MONTH WHEN ALL A MAN HAS TO DO IS OPEN HIS MOUTH & HE TAKES HIS LIFE INTO HIS OWN HANDS!  THIS IS A HANDY GUIDE THAT SHOULD BE AS COMMON AS A DRIVER’S LICENSE IN THE WALLET OF EVERY HUSBAND, BOYFRIEND, CO-WORKER, OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER!

DANGEROUS:

SAFER:

SAFEST:

ULTRA SAFE:

WHAT’S FOR DINNER?

CAN I HELP YOU WITH DINNER?

WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO FOR DINNER?

HERE, HAVE
SOME WINE.

ARE YOU
WEARING THAT?

WOW, YOU SURE LOOK GOOD IN BROWN!

WOW!
LOOK AT YOU!

HERE, HAVE
SOME WINE.

WHAT ARE YOU SO WORKED UP ABOUT?

COULD WE BE OVERREACTING?

HERE’S MY PAYCHECK.

HERE, HAVE
SOME WINE.

SHOULD YOU BE EATING THAT?

YOU KNOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF APPLES LEFT.

CAN I GET YOU A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE WITH THAT?

HERE, HAVE
SOME WINE.

WHAT DID
YOU DO

ALL DAY?

I HOPE YOU DIDN’T OVER-DO IT TODAY.

I’VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU IN THAT ROBE!

HERE, HAVE
SOME MORE

WINE.


13 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:

1. PASS MY SHOTGUN

2. PSYCHOTIC MOOD SWING


3. PERPETUAL MUNCHING SPREE


4. PUFFY MID-SECTION


5. PEOPLE MAKE me SICK


6. PROVIDE ME with SWEETS


7. PARDON MY SOBBING


8. PIMPLES MAY SURFACE


9.. PASS MY SWEATS


10. PISSY MOOD SYNDROME


11. POOR MEN SUCK


12. PACK MY STUFF

 & MY FAVORITE ONE
  13. POTENTIAL MURDER SUSPECT

LEAVING THE OFFICE EARLY……..

 
>
>
> Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
> Each
> day, they noticed the boss left work early.
> One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave
> right
> behind her.
>
> After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know
> they went home early??
>
>
> The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening,
> spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
>
>
> The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa
> before meeting a dinner date.
>
>
> The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but
> when
> she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
>
> Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see
> her
> husband in bed with her lady boss!!
>
> Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
>
>
> The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to
> leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with
> them.
>
>
> “No way”, the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday.”

What Love means to a 4-8 year olds . . . . . . .

 

Slow down for three  minutes to read this.  It is so  worth it. Touching words  from the mouth of babes.

A group of professional  people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, “What does love  mean?”

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could  have imagined. See what you think:


“When my grandmother  got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
So  my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis  too. That’s love.”

Rebecca- age 8


“When someone loves  you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name  is safe in their mouth.”

Billy – age 4


“Love is when a girl  puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell  each other.”

Karl – age 5


“Love is when you go  out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them  give you any of theirs.”

Chrissy – age 6


“Love is what makes  you smile when you’re tired.”
Terri – age 4


“Love is when my  mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him,  to make sure the taste is OK.”

Danny – age 7


“Love is when you  kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be  together and you talk more.
My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look  gross when they kiss”

Emily – age 8


“Love is what’s in  the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.”

Bobby – age 7 (Wow!)


“If you want to  learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,”

Nikka – age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet)


“Love is when you  tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.”

Noelle –  age 7


“Love is like a  little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they  know each other so well.”

Tommy – age 6


“During my piano  recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people  watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.

He was the only one  doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.”

Cindy – age 8


“My mommy loves me  more than anybody
You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.”

Clare – age 6


“Love is when Mommy  gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.”

Elaine-age 5


“Love is when Mommy  sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert  Redford.”

Chris – age 7


“Love is when your  puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.”

Mary Ann  – age 4


“I know my older  sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and  buy new ones.”

Lauren – age 4


“When you love  somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.”  (what an image)

Karen – age 7


“Love is when Mommy  sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.”

Mark – age  6


“You really  shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should  say it a lot. People forget.”

Jessica – age 8


And the final one —  Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to  judge.

The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child

The winner was a four year  old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently  lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the  old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When  his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,

“Nothing, I just helped him cry”