Morning sex…….

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
“You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or
this is going to be my lucky day!” Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove,
her t-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”

She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”

Job at the FBI !

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews
And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
The men to a large metal door and handed
Him a gun.

‘We must know that you will follow your
Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
In a chair .. . . Kill her!!’

The man said, ‘You can’t be serious. I could
Never shoot my wife.’

The agent said, ‘Then you’re not the right man
For this job. Take your wife and go home.’

The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
Quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, ‘I tried,
But I can’t kill my wife.’ The agent said, ‘You don’t
Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.’

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the
Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
After another. They heard screaming, crashing,
Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
‘This gun is loaded with blanks’ she said. ‘I had to
Beat him to death with the chair.’


MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don’t mess with them!

Women with lots of questions……..watch out!

>
> WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?”
>
> HUSBAND: “Definitely not!
>
> WIFE: “Why not? Don’t you like being married?”
>
> HUSBAND: “Of course I do.”
>
> WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
>
> HUSBAND: “Okay, okay, I’d get married again.”
>
> WIFE: “You would?”
>
> HUSBAND: ….?
>
> WIFE: “Would you live in our house?”
>
> HUSBAND: “Sure, it’s a great house.”
>
> WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
>
> HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”
>
> WIFE: “Would you let her drive my car?”
>
> HUSBAND: “Probably, it is almost new.”
>
> WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”
>
> HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
>
> WIFE: “Would you give her my jewellery?”
>
> HUSBAND: “No, I’m sure she’d want her own.”
>
> WIFE: “Would she wear my shoes”
>
> HUSBAND: “No, she’s size 6.”
>
> WIFE: — silence —
>
> HUSBAND: “$hit.”
>

Questions that haunt me…

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?


Can you cry under water?


How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


Why does a round pizza come in a square box?  


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?


If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They’re going to see you naked anyway.


Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?


Can a hearse carrying  a corpse drive in  the  carpool lane  ?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They’re both dogs!


If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


TAX TIME !!


A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes..
The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,”What’s your occupation?”
“I’m a prostitute,” she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, ” Let’s try to rephrase that.”
The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl”.
“No, that still won’t work. Try again.”
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised a thousand little cocks last year.”
“Chicken Farmer it is.”

 

Geniune answers by 16 year olds! Where is the world going to?!

The following questions were set in last year’s GED examination These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)…………they walk amongst us and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death (It stands to reason)

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow (THAT I would like to witness)

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

The Moral of This Story is….!!!!

This is a story about
A Fly, a Fish, a Bear,
A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.

There is a moral to this story…

In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.

The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,

‘Gosh…if I go down three inches
I will feel the mist
From the water and I will be refreshed.’

There was a fish in the water thinking,
‘Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.’
There was a bear on the shore thinking,

‘Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches
That fish will jump for the fly…
And I will grab the fish!!’
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank
Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich…

‘Gosh,’ he thought, ‘if that fly goes down three inches…
And that fish leaps for it….
That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I’ll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.’
Now, you probably think this is
Enough activity on one river bank,
But I can tell you there’s more…

A wee mouse by the hunter’s foot was thinking,

‘Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches…
And that fish jumps for that fly…
And that bear grabs for that fish…
The dumb hunter will shoot the bear
And drop his cheese sandwich.’
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of
This particular river around lunch time)
‘Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches
And that fish jumps for that fly
And that bear grabs for that fish
And that hunter shoots that bear
And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich,
Then I can have mouse for lunch.’
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly…
The bear grabs the fish..
The hunter shoots the bear…

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich…

The cat jumps for the mouse,
And the mouse ducks…
The cat falls into the water and drowns.
NOW, The Moral Of The Story…
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
Some pussy’s gonna be in serious danger.

Didn’t see that one coming did you?