Morning sex…….

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
“You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or
this is going to be my lucky day!” Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove,
her t-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”

She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”

Job at the FBI !

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews
And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
The men to a large metal door and handed
Him a gun.

‘We must know that you will follow your
Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
In a chair .. . . Kill her!!’

The man said, ‘You can’t be serious. I could
Never shoot my wife.’

The agent said, ‘Then you’re not the right man
For this job. Take your wife and go home.’

The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
Quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, ‘I tried,
But I can’t kill my wife.’ The agent said, ‘You don’t
Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.’

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the
Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
After another. They heard screaming, crashing,
Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
‘This gun is loaded with blanks’ she said. ‘I had to
Beat him to death with the chair.’


MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don’t mess with them!

Women with lots of questions……..watch out!

>
> WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?”
>
> HUSBAND: “Definitely not!
>
> WIFE: “Why not? Don’t you like being married?”
>
> HUSBAND: “Of course I do.”
>
> WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
>
> HUSBAND: “Okay, okay, I’d get married again.”
>
> WIFE: “You would?”
>
> HUSBAND: ….?
>
> WIFE: “Would you live in our house?”
>
> HUSBAND: “Sure, it’s a great house.”
>
> WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
>
> HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”
>
> WIFE: “Would you let her drive my car?”
>
> HUSBAND: “Probably, it is almost new.”
>
> WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”
>
> HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
>
> WIFE: “Would you give her my jewellery?”
>
> HUSBAND: “No, I’m sure she’d want her own.”
>
> WIFE: “Would she wear my shoes”
>
> HUSBAND: “No, she’s size 6.”
>
> WIFE: — silence —
>
> HUSBAND: “$hit.”
>

Questions that haunt me…

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?


Can you cry under water?


How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


Why does a round pizza come in a square box?  


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?


If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They’re going to see you naked anyway.


Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?


Can a hearse carrying  a corpse drive in  the  carpool lane  ?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They’re both dogs!


If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


TAX TIME !!


A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes..
The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,”What’s your occupation?”
“I’m a prostitute,” she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, ” Let’s try to rephrase that.”
The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl”.
“No, that still won’t work. Try again.”
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised a thousand little cocks last year.”
“Chicken Farmer it is.”

 

Geniune answers by 16 year olds! Where is the world going to?!

The following questions were set in last year’s GED examination These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)…………they walk amongst us and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death (It stands to reason)

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow (THAT I would like to witness)

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

The Moral of This Story is….!!!!

This is a story about
A Fly, a Fish, a Bear,
A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.

There is a moral to this story…

In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.

The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,

‘Gosh…if I go down three inches
I will feel the mist
From the water and I will be refreshed.’

There was a fish in the water thinking,
‘Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.’
There was a bear on the shore thinking,

‘Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches
That fish will jump for the fly…
And I will grab the fish!!’
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank
Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich…

‘Gosh,’ he thought, ‘if that fly goes down three inches…
And that fish leaps for it….
That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I’ll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.’
Now, you probably think this is
Enough activity on one river bank,
But I can tell you there’s more…

A wee mouse by the hunter’s foot was thinking,

‘Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches…
And that fish jumps for that fly…
And that bear grabs for that fish…
The dumb hunter will shoot the bear
And drop his cheese sandwich.’
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of
This particular river around lunch time)
‘Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches
And that fish jumps for that fly
And that bear grabs for that fish
And that hunter shoots that bear
And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich,
Then I can have mouse for lunch.’
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly…
The bear grabs the fish..
The hunter shoots the bear…

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich…

The cat jumps for the mouse,
And the mouse ducks…
The cat falls into the water and drowns.
NOW, The Moral Of The Story…
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
Some pussy’s gonna be in serious danger.

Didn’t see that one coming did you?

Sex Insurance! Its about time!

Sex-Insurance.

The insurance companies have formulated the following options:

Option 1:

If you sleep with your wife

LEGAL & GENERAL

Option 2:

If you sleep with your wife in your car

AUTO &GENERAL

Option 3:

If you sleep with someone else’s wife:

MUTUAL & FEDERAL

Option 4:

Sleeping with your mother-in-law

OLD MUTUAL

Option 5:

If you sleep with a   Muslim-girl

SANLAM

Option 6:

Sleeping with more than one person at the same time

PRESTASIE MULTIPLEX

Option 7:

Taking advantage of the person you sleep with

LIBERTY LIFE

Option 8:

Man sleeping with another man

HOLLARD

Option 9:

Having sex on the spur of the moment

MOMENTUM

Option 10:

Sleeping with your ex-wife

OUTSURANCE

Option 11:

Sleeping with a prostitute

BUDGET

Option 12:

Having sex with someone you don’t even know

DISCOVERY

Option 13:
Having sex with a virgin.
-First for women

 

 

Poppie en Spanner!

Tydens huweliksberading het die volgende te voorskyn gekom uit hulle dagboeke. Ek plaas dit hier om te wys mans is van Mars en vrouens is van die malkoei melkweg.

Poppie se dagboek:

“Saterdagaand het ek gedink dat Spanner vreemd optree. Ons het planne gemaak om by die kroeg ‘n drankie te gaan drink. Ek het die hele dag saam met my vriendinne ge”shop”, so ek het gedink dat hy ‘n bietjie kwaad is vir my oorlat ek laat is.

Hy het geen kommentaar daaroor gemaak nie. Die gesprek was nie vloeiend nie, so ek het gevra of ons iewers rustig ‘n bietjie kanpraat.

Hy’t gese dis reg, maar het die heeltyd stil gebly. Ek’t gevra of iets verkeerd is, maar hy’t gese dis niks. Ek’t gevra of dit my skuld is dat hy kwaad is. Hy’t gese dat dit niks te doen het met my nie en dat ek nie moet stres nie.

Op pad terug huis toe het ek vir hom gese dat ek lief is vir hom, maar hy’t nie terug geantwoord nie, net geglimlag en verder gery.

Ek kannie sy gedrag verduidelik nie; ek weet nie hoekom hy nie vir my gese het dat hy lief is vir my nie. By die huis gekom, het ek gedink dat ek hom verloor het, asof hy niks met my te doen wil he nie. Hy’t net voor die TV gesit, stil en ver weg.

Uiteindelik het ek besluit om bed toe te gaan. Na 10 minute het hy langs my kom lê. Tot my verbasing het hy my nie weggestoot, toe ek hom liefderlik getroetel het nie. Ons het die NASTY gedoen, maar dit het nog steeds gevoel asof sy gedagtes elders is. Ek wou hom nog aanvat oor die hele affere, maar hy was reeds aan die slaap.

Ek’t begin huil totdat ek ook aan die slaap geraak het. Ek weet nie wat om te doen nie. Ek is amper seker dat sy gedagtes by iemand anders is. My lewe is een groot disaster.

Goeienag liewe Dagboek.

Poppie
————————————————-

Spanner se dagboek

“Vandag het die Bulle verloor. Gelukkig het ek ‘n knippie gekry. ”

Wonderful English from Around the World!!!

In a Bangkok Temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor’s office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel’s rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. (Just Like Quantas!!!)

A Laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

And finally the all time classic:

Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:
IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE…
…. Priceless!