Apartment for rent! Be very carefull what you rent!!

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon
with her for R500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told
her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his
secretary writes a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT
FOR APARTMENT.”

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing
that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his
secretary send a cheque for R250 and enclose the following typed note:

“Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque for R250 for rent of your apartment. I am not
sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was
under the impression that:

1 – it had never been occupied;
2 – there was plenty of heat; and
3 – it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there
wasn’t any heat, and that it was entirely too large.”

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for
R250 with the following note:

“Dear Sir:
First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment
to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if
you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the
management.

Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your
present landlady!!!

Skerp op die oudag..? Of is dit nou ‘n boer met ‘n plan??

Oom Koos van die Oos Transvaal besit sy plasie nou al vir donkiejare.

Skuins agter die bloekoms het hy destyds vir sy kinders die plaasdam in ‘n
swemplek omskep en goed ingerig, met piekniektafels, braaigeriewe en
vrugtebome.

Een aand, so skemer se kant, besluit Oom Koos, in sy eensaamheid, om bietjie
daar by die dam te gaan sit. Hy neem toe ook ‘n emmer saam om ‘n paar van
die vrugte terug te neem huis toe.

Soos wat hy aangestap kom, hoor hy vrolike stemme gesels en giggel. Hy val
plat agter ‘n bos en loer deur die takke om te sien wat aangaan. Tot sy swak
hart beleef hy ‘n groep kaal meisies wat in die dam swem. Hy staan toe op en
stap nader om die meisies te laat weet hulle betree eintlik ‘n ander man se
eiendom. Toe hulle hom sien, sak hulle almal laer af, sodat die water die
nodige toemaak.

Een van die meisies skreeu benoud op die oom: “Ons klim nie uit voor oom nie
weggaan nie!”

“Nee, nee, bedaar niggie, ek is nie hier om te kyk hoe die spulletjie van
julle kaal swem nie…..” Hy hou die emmer omhoog en
sê:

“Ek is net gou hier om die krokodil kos te gee………………”

Do you know what I think..????

Fred and Larry got married in California.
They couldn’t afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred’s Mom and Dad’s house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.
She replies, ‘No’.
Johnny asks, ‘Do you know what I think?’
His mom replies, ‘I don’t want to hear what you think!  Just go to school.’
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, ‘Are Fred and Larry up yet?’
She replies, ‘No.’
Johnny says, ‘Do you know what I think?’
His mom replies, ‘Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school ‘
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
‘Are Fred and Larry up yet?’
His mom says, ‘No.’
He asks, ‘Do you know what I think?’
His mom replies, ‘OK, now tell me what you think.’
He says: ‘Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think…… I gave him my airplane glue.’

Eksamenflater …. !!!!

Jannie kom terug van sy Finale ambulansman eksamen, in ekstase, en skree

vir sy vrou:

“PAK IN! PAK IN! PAK IN! ons kan uit eindelik bekostig om uit die klein

plekkie uit te trek ! “

Sy vroutjie vra opgewonde: “Was die eksamen maklik?

Sal jy deur wees?”

Jannie se: “Ja man baie maklik, net een vraag!”

Hulle vra : “Jy kom op ‘n ongeluks toneel en jy moet jou hand plaas op

‘n plek om te voel of die persoon nog lewe. die woord begin met ‘n P en

eindig met ‘n S.”

Sy vroutjie val hom opgewonde in die rede: “POLS, ja dit is maklik.”

Jannie skree: “AG NEE F#K! PAK UIT! PAK UIT! PAK UIT!”

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . .


Doctor: “What happened?”

Woman:” Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp….”

Doctor:”I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle”.

2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.

Woman:” Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me.

Doctor:” you see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!”

Nurses aren’t supposed to laugh… !!!

‘Of course I won’t laugh, said the nurse. I’m a professional. In over
Twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.’

‘Okay then,’ said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing
The tiniest ‘man thingy’ the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it
Couldn’t have been bigger than an AAA battery. Unable to control
Herself, the nurse started giggling, and then fell to the floor laughing.

Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her
Composure.

‘I am so sorry,’ she said. ‘I don’t know what came over me. On my honor
as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won’t happen again. Now, tell me,
what seems to be the problem?’

…’It’s swollen,’ Fred replied.

She ran out of the room…..

……..that pig!!!!!?????

If  you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced  enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly  seems worth it.)


If  you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is  produced to create the energy of an atomic  bomb.
(Now  that’s more like it!)


The  human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to  squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A  pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A  cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to  death. (Creepy.)

(I’m  still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a  hour
(Don’t try this at home, maybe at  work)

The  male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to  its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
(  Honey, I’m home. What the…?!)


The  flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping  the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you  imagine?)

The  catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a  pond?)


Some  lions mate over 50 times a day.


(I  still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over  quantity)

Butterflies  taste with their feet.
(Something  I always wanted to know.)

The  strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.  (Hmmmmmm.)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than  left-handed people.
(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the  difference?)

Elephants  are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A  cat’s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that  out?)

An  ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(  I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar  bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they’ll live a lot  longer)

Humans  and dolphins are the only species that have sex for  pleasure.

(What  about that pig??)

Waar Aspoestertjie vandaan kom!!

Eendag lank, lank gelede, was daar ‘n oulike sweet meisietjie met die naam van Sneeuwykie. Omdat sy ‘n bietjie vasgedruk en geirriteerd gevoel het, het sy uitgesneak en ‘n bietjie by die Kollonade Sentrum gaan rondloop en shop.

Gelukkig nog voor die konstruksie nou die dag in sy moer in gedonner het. Toe sy by die Hotdog stand verby loop, sien sy vir wolf. Natuurlik heeltemal haar melk weggeskrik. Paniekbevange kyk sy rond om ‘n lift te bum, aangesien sy haar rok sal vastrap as sy begin weghardloop en haarself in die proses kan beseer en ontbloot, siende dat sy nie panties dra nie. Dit kan sy nie bekostig nie, want sy behoort nie aan ‘n mediese skema nie want dis te fokken duur en sy wil okkie almal om haar opgewonde maak nie.

En as gevolg van haar karakter en non-existence van panties, kan sy ook nie haar rok tot bokant die kniee optel nie. Sy steek toe maar haar duim uit vir ‘n verbygaande motor, maar onttrek gou toe die demand te groot raak en ‘n bolz-up met die traffic veroorsaak.

Sy maak toe maar gatskoon van wolf af en al die fans wat begin aftrek het. Wat sy nie wis nie is dat wolf eintlik maar net gekom het vir ‘n haarsny.

Dit wys jou ‘n mens moenie in ‘n panic station gaan nie. Anyway, toe sy haar kom kry, staan sy in die R5.00 winkel waar Liewe Heksie besig is om te shop vir ‘n nuwe besem. Haar oue is poer des merdes gevlieg. Geld is maar min met die huidige ekonomiese toestand, jy weet, en Liewe Heksie is ‘n regte slegte straatvrou wat rooi miere het en orals rondvlieg – nie dat sy ‘n fly by night is nie.

Anyway, Sneeuwykie maak nie ander se probleme hare nie.
As gevolg van haar natuurlike oorlewingsinstink gryp sy die besem by Liewe Heksie, spring op en vlieg weg dat jy net hare sien waai. Sy kies toe die kortste pad, by die apteek verby. Gryp sommer ‘n hand vol Prozacs vir die senuwees en skree agterna: ‘Ek sal later die rekening betaal!’, want hulle het haar adres en weet sy het ‘n skoon rekord.

Anyway, halfpad huis toe begin die besem overheat omdat sy te vinnig gevlieg het. Sy het nie gauges gehad om na te kyk nie, sy het net so ‘n hot feeling tussen die bene gekry, min wetende dat Liewe Heksie ‘n clever chick is wat fireproof panties dra.  Die besem gee toe so ‘n hop skiep en jump, tel ‘n misfire op, backfire en daar slaan die hele bliksemse besem aan die brand en Sneeuwykie het mos niks protection nie!

En dit is waar Aspoestertjie vandaan kom!

Alcohol always win!!

Patrick and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn’t have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said ‘Hang on, I have an idea.’


He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.


Shamus said ‘Are you crazy?  Now we don’t have any money at all!’

Murphy replied, ‘Don’t worry, just follow me.’
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said ‘Now you’ve lost it.  Do you know how much trouble we will be in?  We haven’t got any money!!’


Murphy replied, with a smile. ‘Don’t worry, I have a plan , Cheers! ‘


They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, ‘OK, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.’

The barman noticed  them, went berserk and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said ‘Murphy, I don’t think I can do any more of this.  I’m drunk and me knees are killing me!’


Murphy said, ‘How do you think I feel?  I can’t even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.’