Two for a smile!

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.

——————————————————————————————

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

I wondered……..?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead?”

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Do old people read the Bible so much because they were cramming for their finals?

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of paintings by Picasso.

If bus station is where a bus stops and a train station is where a train stops… does work stop at a work station?

If it’s true that we are here to help ‘others’ — then what exactly are the ‘others’ here for?

Never forget that ‘stressed’ spelled backwards is ‘desserts’.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Clones are people two.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

No one ever says “It’s only a game,” when their team is winning.

As I said before, I never repeat myself!

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

So what’s the speed of dark?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Should wives put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?

Two blondes rob a bank!?

Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first
Blonde, Judy, planned the robbery and went over the plan with the second
blonde, Buffy, in great detail.

The robbery began. Judy drove up in front of the bank,
Stopped the car and said to Buffy, “I want to make
Absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of
the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you
Understand the plan?”

“Perfectly,” replied Buffy.

Buffy went in the bank while Judy waited in the getaway
Car. One minute passed…three minutes pass…seven
Minutes pass… and Judy was really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here came Buffy.She had a safe wrapped
up in rope and is dragging it to the car.

About the time she got the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst
open again with the security guard coming out. The guard’s pants and underwear
are down around his ankles while he was firing his weapon.

As the gals are getting away, Judy yelled, “You are such a Blonde! I thought
you understood the plan!”

Buffy said, “I did. I did exactly what you said!”

“No, you idiot!” snapped Judy. “You got it all mixed up. I said, ‘tie up the
GUARD and blow the SAFE!'”

3 blondes training to be detectives?

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become
detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first
blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how
would you recognize him?”

The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast, because he only
has one eye!”

The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture shows his
profile.”

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5
seconds at the second blonde and asks her,”This is your suspect, how would you
recognize him?”

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to
catch because he only has one ear!”

The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course
only one eye and one ear are showing,because it’s a picture of his profile!! Is
that the best? Answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde
and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize
him?” He quickly adds”
. . . Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hamm . . .
the suspect wears contact lenses.”

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know
himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting
answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get
back to you on that.”

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the
Suspect file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
“Wow! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact
lenses. Good work!
How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

“That’s easy,” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses, because he
only has one eye and one ear.

Here’s one for anyone who likes “puns”?

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“Well, It’s Not Unusual.”

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
“I don’t believe you,” says Dolly.
“It’s true; no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know, I amputated your arms!”
;
13. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
“But why,” they asked, as they moved off.
“Because,” he said. “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family inEgypt, and is named ‘Ahmal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him ‘Juan.’ Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good) .. a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.