Six Affairs

The   1st Affair

A  married man was having an affair

with  his secretary.  

One day they went to her place

and made love all  afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep

and woke up  at 8  PM.

The man  hurriedly dressed

and told his lover to take his shoes  

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put  on his shoes and drove home.

‘Where have you been?’ his wife  demanded.

‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied,

‘I’m  having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all  afternoon.’

She looked down at his shoes and said:  

‘You lying b********!

You’ve been playing golf!’  

The  2nd Affair

A  middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters    

but always talked about having a son.    

They decided to try one last time

for  the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant  

and  delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful  father rushed to the nursery

to  see his new son.  

He was horrified at the ugliest child

he had ever  seen.

He told his wife:  ‘There’s no way I can  

be the father of this baby.  

Look   at the  two beautiful daughters I  fathered!  

Have  you  been fooling around behind my back?’  

The  wife smiled sweetly and replied:

‘Not this  time!’

 

The  3rd Affair

A  mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body  of Mr. Schwartz,

about  to be cremated,

and  made a startling discovery.

Schwartz  had the largest  private part

he had ever seen!

‘I’m sorry Mr.  Schwartz,’ the mortician

commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be  cremated

with such an impressive private part.

It  must be saved for posterity.’

So, he removed it,  

stuffed it into his briefcase,

and took it home      

‘I  have something to show  

you won’t believe,’ he said to his wife,

opening his  briefcase.

‘My  God!’ the wife exclaimed,    

‘Schwartz is dead!’

               

The   4th Affair

A   woman was in bed with her lover

when  she heard  her husband

opening  the front door.

‘Hurry,’  she said, ‘stand in the corner.’        

She  rubbed baby  oil all over him,

then  dusted him with talcum powder.  

‘Don’t  move until I tell you,’

she said,  ‘pretend you’re a statue.’

‘What’s  this?’ the husband  inquired    

as he entered the room.

‘Oh  it’s a statue,’ she replied,

‘the Smiths bought one and I  liked it

so I got one for us, too.’

No more was  said,

not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM  the husband got up,

went to the kitchen and returned  

with a sandwich and a beer.

‘Here,’ he said to the  statue, have this.

I stood like that for two days at the  Smiths

and nobody offered me a damned thing.’

The   5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,

went to  the bar and ordered a beer.

‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one  cent.’

‘One  Cent?’ the man exclaimed.

He  glanced at the menu and asked:

‘How much for a nice juicy  steak  

and a bottle of wine?’

‘A   nick el,’ the barman  replied.

‘A   nick el?’  exclaimed the man.

‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’  

The  bartender replied:

‘Upstairs, with my  wife.’

The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs

with  your wife?’

The  bartender replied:

‘The   same thing I’m doing

to his business down here.’  

The  6th  Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.  

He looked up and said weakly:      

‘I have something I must confess.’  

‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied.

‘No,’ he  insisted,

‘I want to die in peace.

I slept with your  sister, your best friend,    

her best  friend, and your mother!’

‘I know,’ she replied,  

‘now just rest and let the poison work.’  

2 thoughts on “Six Affairs

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