Don’t be nervous when you are a Priest!

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.


 

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.


 

The monsignor replied, ‘When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.’


 

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.


 

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T.’

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, ‘Take this and eat it for it is my body.’ He did not say ‘Eat me’.

12)The Virgin Mary is not called ‘Mary with the Cherry’..

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

 

 

 

Six Affairs

The   1st Affair

A  married man was having an affair

with  his secretary.  

One day they went to her place

and made love all  afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep

and woke up  at 8  PM.

The man  hurriedly dressed

and told his lover to take his shoes  

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put  on his shoes and drove home.

‘Where have you been?’ his wife  demanded.

‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied,

‘I’m  having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all  afternoon.’

She looked down at his shoes and said:  

‘You lying b********!

You’ve been playing golf!’  

The  2nd Affair

A  middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters    

but always talked about having a son.    

They decided to try one last time

for  the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant  

and  delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful  father rushed to the nursery

to  see his new son.  

He was horrified at the ugliest child

he had ever  seen.

He told his wife:  ‘There’s no way I can  

be the father of this baby.  

Look   at the  two beautiful daughters I  fathered!  

Have  you  been fooling around behind my back?’  

The  wife smiled sweetly and replied:

‘Not this  time!’

 

The  3rd Affair

A  mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body  of Mr. Schwartz,

about  to be cremated,

and  made a startling discovery.

Schwartz  had the largest  private part

he had ever seen!

‘I’m sorry Mr.  Schwartz,’ the mortician

commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be  cremated

with such an impressive private part.

It  must be saved for posterity.’

So, he removed it,  

stuffed it into his briefcase,

and took it home      

‘I  have something to show  

you won’t believe,’ he said to his wife,

opening his  briefcase.

‘My  God!’ the wife exclaimed,    

‘Schwartz is dead!’

               

The   4th Affair

A   woman was in bed with her lover

when  she heard  her husband

opening  the front door.

‘Hurry,’  she said, ‘stand in the corner.’        

She  rubbed baby  oil all over him,

then  dusted him with talcum powder.  

‘Don’t  move until I tell you,’

she said,  ‘pretend you’re a statue.’

‘What’s  this?’ the husband  inquired    

as he entered the room.

‘Oh  it’s a statue,’ she replied,

‘the Smiths bought one and I  liked it

so I got one for us, too.’

No more was  said,

not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM  the husband got up,

went to the kitchen and returned  

with a sandwich and a beer.

‘Here,’ he said to the  statue, have this.

I stood like that for two days at the  Smiths

and nobody offered me a damned thing.’

The   5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,

went to  the bar and ordered a beer.

‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one  cent.’

‘One  Cent?’ the man exclaimed.

He  glanced at the menu and asked:

‘How much for a nice juicy  steak  

and a bottle of wine?’

‘A   nick el,’ the barman  replied.

‘A   nick el?’  exclaimed the man.

‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’  

The  bartender replied:

‘Upstairs, with my  wife.’

The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs

with  your wife?’

The  bartender replied:

‘The   same thing I’m doing

to his business down here.’  

The  6th  Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.  

He looked up and said weakly:      

‘I have something I must confess.’  

‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied.

‘No,’ he  insisted,

‘I want to die in peace.

I slept with your  sister, your best friend,    

her best  friend, and your mother!’

‘I know,’ she replied,  

‘now just rest and let the poison work.’  

What starts with F and ends with K?


A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, ‘Harry, what’s your problem ?’

Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too !’

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal : ‘What is 3 x 3 ?’

Harry : ‘9.’

Principal : ‘What is 6 x 6 ?’

Harry : ’36.’

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ‘I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.’

Ms. Brooks says to the principal,‘ Let me ask him some questions.’

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of ?’

Harry, after a moment: ‘Legs.’

Ms Brooks: ‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have ?’

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question !

Harry replied : ‘Pockets.’

Ms. Brooks : ‘What does a dog do that a man steps into ?’

Harry : ‘Pants.’

Ms. Brooks : What starts with a C , ends with a T , is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid ?’

Harry : ‘ Coconut.’

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks :‘ What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky ?’

The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, ‘Bubble gum.’

Ms. Brooks : ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs ?’

Harry : Shake hands.’

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks : ‘What word starts with an ‘F ‘ and ends in ‘ K ‘ that means a lot of heat and excitement ?’

Harry : ‘Firetruck.’

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,‘ Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong..…’

Afrikaans bly maar die beste taal ooit!!!!!!

Sy het so baie plooie, sy skroef haar hoed op!  

Ek is nou so lui my hol hang oop!

Hy is so maer, hy lyk soos ‘n potlood met ‘n handbriek.  

Ek is nou so opgewonde soos ìn budgie op steroids !  

Ek was gisteraand so dronk, toe ek vanoggend wakker word hang ek oor die stoel en my klere lê in die bed.  

Ek is nou so lus vir ‘n Rennie ek eet sommer ‘n  pastei.

Jy’s so skeel jy kyk jouself diep in die oë!

Van sit of staan bly lê die lekkerste.

Hy ìs so kort hy weet nie of dit keelseer of aambeie is nie.  

Hy ìs so kort hy slaan tot sy onderbroek se pype om.

Hy is so maer, as hy langs ‘n wit muur loop lyk dit soos n kraak wat beweeg!

Hy is so skelm, hy bid onder n skuilnaam

Ek gaan jou klap dat jy lus kry vir niks

Ek sit nou so lekker ek staan sommer op en sit weer.

“Lang gesig soos ìn bok wat afdraand vreet.”

“Drank los nie probleme op nie, maar so ook nie melk of water nie.”  

“Ek voel nou so goed, ek vul sommer die lottonommers verkeerd in.”

“Ek is nou so lui ek trou sommer ‘n pregnant vrou.”

“Ondervinding is iets wat jy eers kry nadat jy dit nodig het.”  

“Almal kry die voorreg om onnosel te wees, net jammer party maak misbruik daarvan.”

“Ek is so de bl*ksem in, ek soen sommer ‘n pofadder oopbek”

“My vrou is so lelik, as sy op die sand sit wil die katte haar toekrap..”  

“Arende vlieg dalk hoog, maar ons muishonde word nooit deur ‘n vliegtuigmotor ingesuig nie.”

“Die mens is op aarde geplaas om ìn sekere hoeveelheid werk te doen. Op die oomblik is ek so ver agter ek sal nooit dood gaan nie.”

“Ons kannie almal helde wees nie, iemand moet langs die pad staan en hande klap.”

“Ek glo dat as iets die moeite werd was om te doen, dan sou iemand anders dit lankal gedoen het.”

“Jy mag nooit meer as jou yskas weeg nie!”

“As jy vir jouself kan lag dan het jy altyd iets om oor te lag.”  

“As jy lyk soos jou paspoort-foto, dan het jy ‘n reis nodig.”

Die goeie, slegte en lelike! (Thanx A)

Goed : Jou vrou is swanger.
Sleg: Dis ‘n drieling.
Lelik : Jy het vyf jaar gelede ‘n vasektomie gehad.

Goed: Jou vrou praat nie met jou nie.
Sleg: Sy wil skei.
Lelik : Sy is ‘n prokureur.

Goed: Jou jongste seun raak uiteindelik volwasse.
Sleg: Hy is betrokke by jou buurvrou.
Lelik: Jy ook.

Goed: Jy en jou vrou besluit: geen meer kinders nie.
Sleg: Jou vrou kry nie haar Pille opgespoor nie.
Lelik : Jou 13-jarige dogtertjie het hulle geleen.

Goed: Jou oudste seun verstaan modes.
Sleg: Hy’s ‘n fopdosser.
Lelik: Hy lyk beter as jou vrou.

Goed: Jy vertel jou 10-jarige dogtertjie van die voëltjies en die bytjies.
Sleg: Sy val jou voortdurend in die rede.
Lelik: Met korreksies.

Goed: Jou seun gaan met iemand nuut uit.
Sleg: Dis ‘n ander man.
Lelik: Hy’s jou beste vriend.

Goed: Jou 15-jarige dogter het ‘n nuwe werk.
Sleg: As ‘n gesellin.
Lelik: Jou kollegas is haar beste klante.
Baie lelik: Sy maak meer geld as jy.

Revenge! (Thanx A)

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of ‘a house of ill repute’ and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, ‘I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I’m not leaving until I get it

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, ‘Do any of the girls have any diseases?’

Of course the Madam said ‘No’.

The boy said, ‘I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber – THAT’S the girl I want.’

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, ‘Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?’

He said, ‘Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he’ll give her one in the car and he’ll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter’s, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE’S the prick who ran over my FROG!’

 

Sex-Insurance:


Recent studies have shown increasing demand of people not only seeking life insurance, but more specifically
Sex-Insurance.  

The insurance companies have formulated the following options:  

Option 1:

If you sleep with your wife  

 –         LEGAL & GENERAL

Option 2:

If you sleep with your wife in your car  

 –         AUTO & GENERAL

Option 3:

If you sleep with someone else’s wife:  

 –         MUTUAL & FEDERAL

Option 4:

Sleeping with your mother-in-law  

 –         OLD MUTUAL

Option 5:

If you sleep with a Bushman-girl  

 –         SANLAM

Option 6:

Sleeping with more than one person at the same time  

 –         PRESTASIE MULTIPLEX

Option 7:

Taking advantage of the person you sleep with  

 –         LIBERTY LIFE

Option 8:

Man sleeping with another man  

 –         HOLLARD  

Option 9:

Having sex on the spur of the moment  

 –         MOMENTUM

Option 10:

Sleeping with your ex-wife  

 –         OUTSURANCE

Option 11:

Sleeping with a prostitute  

 –         BUDGET

Option 12:

Having sex with someone you don’t even know
       – DISCOVERY  

Something to Think about! (Thanx J)

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn’t need.

_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

_____________________________

HAPPINESS




To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE




A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

_____________________________


HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, ‘You’re next.’ They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Why we should not flirt!!!!!!!!!!

      A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress
      Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her
      Husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband,
      Protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin
      And go to bed and there
      Was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
      So he took his costume and away he went.. The wife, after sleeping
      Soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still
early,
      Decided to go to the party. As her husband didn’t know what her
costume was,
      She thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how

      He acted when she was not with him.
      So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his
      Costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice
      “chick” he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss
      His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
      Left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
      She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her
Husband.
      After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in
      Her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had
      Passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at
      Midnight , she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and

      She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind
      of time he had.
      “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re

      Not there.” Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”
      He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I
      Got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into

      The spare room and played poker all evening.”
      “You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing
      Poker all night!” she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the
      Husband replied,

      “Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad, apparently he had the time of
his life.

BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN (Thanx N)

 

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.  -love this one

_____________________________________________________

Preparing for the Birth:

 

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don’t bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month

______________________________________________________

The Baby clothes:

 

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn’s clothes, colour co-ordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?

______________________________________________________

Worries:

 

1st baby: At the first sign of distress–a whimper, a frown–you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing

______________________________________________________

Dummies:

 

1st baby: If the dummy falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and sterilise it.

2nd baby: When the dummy falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby’s bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

______________________________________________________

Nappy changing:

 

1st baby: You change your baby’s nappies every hour, whether they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their nappy every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their nappy before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

______________________________________________________

Activities:

 

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

______________________________________________________

Going Out:

 

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

______________________________________________________

At Home:

 

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

______________________________________________________

Swallowing Coins:

 

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!