Don’t be nervous when you are a Priest!

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.


 

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.


 

The monsignor replied, ‘When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.’


 

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.


 

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T.’

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, ‘Take this and eat it for it is my body.’ He did not say ‘Eat me’.

12)The Virgin Mary is not called ‘Mary with the Cherry’..

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

 

 

 

Six Affairs

The   1st Affair

A  married man was having an affair

with  his secretary.  

One day they went to her place

and made love all  afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep

and woke up  at 8  PM.

The man  hurriedly dressed

and told his lover to take his shoes  

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put  on his shoes and drove home.

‘Where have you been?’ his wife  demanded.

‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied,

‘I’m  having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all  afternoon.’

She looked down at his shoes and said:  

‘You lying b********!

You’ve been playing golf!’  

The  2nd Affair

A  middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters    

but always talked about having a son.    

They decided to try one last time

for  the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant  

and  delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful  father rushed to the nursery

to  see his new son.  

He was horrified at the ugliest child

he had ever  seen.

He told his wife:  ‘There’s no way I can  

be the father of this baby.  

Look   at the  two beautiful daughters I  fathered!  

Have  you  been fooling around behind my back?’  

The  wife smiled sweetly and replied:

‘Not this  time!’

 

The  3rd Affair

A  mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body  of Mr. Schwartz,

about  to be cremated,

and  made a startling discovery.

Schwartz  had the largest  private part

he had ever seen!

‘I’m sorry Mr.  Schwartz,’ the mortician

commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be  cremated

with such an impressive private part.

It  must be saved for posterity.’

So, he removed it,  

stuffed it into his briefcase,

and took it home      

‘I  have something to show  

you won’t believe,’ he said to his wife,

opening his  briefcase.

‘My  God!’ the wife exclaimed,    

‘Schwartz is dead!’

               

The   4th Affair

A   woman was in bed with her lover

when  she heard  her husband

opening  the front door.

‘Hurry,’  she said, ‘stand in the corner.’        

She  rubbed baby  oil all over him,

then  dusted him with talcum powder.  

‘Don’t  move until I tell you,’

she said,  ‘pretend you’re a statue.’

‘What’s  this?’ the husband  inquired    

as he entered the room.

‘Oh  it’s a statue,’ she replied,

‘the Smiths bought one and I  liked it

so I got one for us, too.’

No more was  said,

not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM  the husband got up,

went to the kitchen and returned  

with a sandwich and a beer.

‘Here,’ he said to the  statue, have this.

I stood like that for two days at the  Smiths

and nobody offered me a damned thing.’

The   5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,

went to  the bar and ordered a beer.

‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one  cent.’

‘One  Cent?’ the man exclaimed.

He  glanced at the menu and asked:

‘How much for a nice juicy  steak  

and a bottle of wine?’

‘A   nick el,’ the barman  replied.

‘A   nick el?’  exclaimed the man.

‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’  

The  bartender replied:

‘Upstairs, with my  wife.’

The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs

with  your wife?’

The  bartender replied:

‘The   same thing I’m doing

to his business down here.’  

The  6th  Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.  

He looked up and said weakly:      

‘I have something I must confess.’  

‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied.

‘No,’ he  insisted,

‘I want to die in peace.

I slept with your  sister, your best friend,    

her best  friend, and your mother!’

‘I know,’ she replied,  

‘now just rest and let the poison work.’  

What starts with F and ends with K?


A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, ‘Harry, what’s your problem ?’

Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too !’

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal : ‘What is 3 x 3 ?’

Harry : ‘9.’

Principal : ‘What is 6 x 6 ?’

Harry : ’36.’

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ‘I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.’

Ms. Brooks says to the principal,‘ Let me ask him some questions.’

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of ?’

Harry, after a moment: ‘Legs.’

Ms Brooks: ‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have ?’

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question !

Harry replied : ‘Pockets.’

Ms. Brooks : ‘What does a dog do that a man steps into ?’

Harry : ‘Pants.’

Ms. Brooks : What starts with a C , ends with a T , is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid ?’

Harry : ‘ Coconut.’

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks :‘ What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky ?’

The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, ‘Bubble gum.’

Ms. Brooks : ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs ?’

Harry : Shake hands.’

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks : ‘What word starts with an ‘F ‘ and ends in ‘ K ‘ that means a lot of heat and excitement ?’

Harry : ‘Firetruck.’

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,‘ Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong..…’

Afrikaans bly maar die beste taal ooit!!!!!!

Sy het so baie plooie, sy skroef haar hoed op!  

Ek is nou so lui my hol hang oop!

Hy is so maer, hy lyk soos ‘n potlood met ‘n handbriek.  

Ek is nou so opgewonde soos ìn budgie op steroids !  

Ek was gisteraand so dronk, toe ek vanoggend wakker word hang ek oor die stoel en my klere lê in die bed.  

Ek is nou so lus vir ‘n Rennie ek eet sommer ‘n  pastei.

Jy’s so skeel jy kyk jouself diep in die oë!

Van sit of staan bly lê die lekkerste.

Hy ìs so kort hy weet nie of dit keelseer of aambeie is nie.  

Hy ìs so kort hy slaan tot sy onderbroek se pype om.

Hy is so maer, as hy langs ‘n wit muur loop lyk dit soos n kraak wat beweeg!

Hy is so skelm, hy bid onder n skuilnaam

Ek gaan jou klap dat jy lus kry vir niks

Ek sit nou so lekker ek staan sommer op en sit weer.

“Lang gesig soos ìn bok wat afdraand vreet.”

“Drank los nie probleme op nie, maar so ook nie melk of water nie.”  

“Ek voel nou so goed, ek vul sommer die lottonommers verkeerd in.”

“Ek is nou so lui ek trou sommer ‘n pregnant vrou.”

“Ondervinding is iets wat jy eers kry nadat jy dit nodig het.”  

“Almal kry die voorreg om onnosel te wees, net jammer party maak misbruik daarvan.”

“Ek is so de bl*ksem in, ek soen sommer ‘n pofadder oopbek”

“My vrou is so lelik, as sy op die sand sit wil die katte haar toekrap..”  

“Arende vlieg dalk hoog, maar ons muishonde word nooit deur ‘n vliegtuigmotor ingesuig nie.”

“Die mens is op aarde geplaas om ìn sekere hoeveelheid werk te doen. Op die oomblik is ek so ver agter ek sal nooit dood gaan nie.”

“Ons kannie almal helde wees nie, iemand moet langs die pad staan en hande klap.”

“Ek glo dat as iets die moeite werd was om te doen, dan sou iemand anders dit lankal gedoen het.”

“Jy mag nooit meer as jou yskas weeg nie!”

“As jy vir jouself kan lag dan het jy altyd iets om oor te lag.”  

“As jy lyk soos jou paspoort-foto, dan het jy ‘n reis nodig.”

Die goeie, slegte en lelike! (Thanx A)

Goed : Jou vrou is swanger.
Sleg: Dis ‘n drieling.
Lelik : Jy het vyf jaar gelede ‘n vasektomie gehad.

Goed: Jou vrou praat nie met jou nie.
Sleg: Sy wil skei.
Lelik : Sy is ‘n prokureur.

Goed: Jou jongste seun raak uiteindelik volwasse.
Sleg: Hy is betrokke by jou buurvrou.
Lelik: Jy ook.

Goed: Jy en jou vrou besluit: geen meer kinders nie.
Sleg: Jou vrou kry nie haar Pille opgespoor nie.
Lelik : Jou 13-jarige dogtertjie het hulle geleen.

Goed: Jou oudste seun verstaan modes.
Sleg: Hy’s ‘n fopdosser.
Lelik: Hy lyk beter as jou vrou.

Goed: Jy vertel jou 10-jarige dogtertjie van die voëltjies en die bytjies.
Sleg: Sy val jou voortdurend in die rede.
Lelik: Met korreksies.

Goed: Jou seun gaan met iemand nuut uit.
Sleg: Dis ‘n ander man.
Lelik: Hy’s jou beste vriend.

Goed: Jou 15-jarige dogter het ‘n nuwe werk.
Sleg: As ‘n gesellin.
Lelik: Jou kollegas is haar beste klante.
Baie lelik: Sy maak meer geld as jy.

Revenge! (Thanx A)

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of ‘a house of ill repute’ and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, ‘I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I’m not leaving until I get it

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, ‘Do any of the girls have any diseases?’

Of course the Madam said ‘No’.

The boy said, ‘I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber – THAT’S the girl I want.’

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, ‘Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?’

He said, ‘Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he’ll give her one in the car and he’ll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter’s, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE’S the prick who ran over my FROG!’

 

Sex-Insurance:


Recent studies have shown increasing demand of people not only seeking life insurance, but more specifically
Sex-Insurance.  

The insurance companies have formulated the following options:  

Option 1:

If you sleep with your wife  

 –         LEGAL & GENERAL

Option 2:

If you sleep with your wife in your car  

 –         AUTO & GENERAL

Option 3:

If you sleep with someone else’s wife:  

 –         MUTUAL & FEDERAL

Option 4:

Sleeping with your mother-in-law  

 –         OLD MUTUAL

Option 5:

If you sleep with a Bushman-girl  

 –         SANLAM

Option 6:

Sleeping with more than one person at the same time  

 –         PRESTASIE MULTIPLEX

Option 7:

Taking advantage of the person you sleep with  

 –         LIBERTY LIFE

Option 8:

Man sleeping with another man  

 –         HOLLARD  

Option 9:

Having sex on the spur of the moment  

 –         MOMENTUM

Option 10:

Sleeping with your ex-wife  

 –         OUTSURANCE

Option 11:

Sleeping with a prostitute  

 –         BUDGET

Option 12:

Having sex with someone you don’t even know
       – DISCOVERY