Be carefull what you wish for!!! (Thanx G)

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, ‘I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing’

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’ m very grateful. How much did you spend?’ To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

‘There’s no charge,’ she says.

‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!’ she says.

‘Honestly, ma’am,’ the blonde says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.’

‘So I just switched the heads.’

*BET YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING!!*

 

 

 

 Murphy’s Law: 

When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.

Time – by Sir Laurence Olivier. (Something to think about)

 


Stand before me on the sign of infinity,
all you of the earth.
With the granting of the law of provination
comes the application of change.

I will give you the key.
And with this knowledge, please realise,
comes the responsibility of sharing it.
I will show you the way.

It’s very simple. Throughout the universe
there is order.

In the movement of the planets, in nature
and in the functioning of the human mind.
A mind that is in its natural state of order,
is in harmony with the universe
and such a mind is timeless.

Your life is an expression of your mind.
You are the creator of your own Universe –
For as a human being, you are free to will whatever
state of being you desire through the use of your
thoughts and words.

There is great power there.

It can be a blessing or a curse –
It’s entirely up to you.
For the quality of your life is brought about
by the quality of your thinking –
think about that.

Thoughts produce actions –
look at what you’re thinking.

See the pettiness and the envy and the greed and the
fear and all the other attitudes that cause
you pain and discomfort.

Realize that the one thing you have absolute
control over is your attitude.

See the effect that it has on those around you.
For each life is linked to all life
and your words carry with them chain reactions
like a stone that is thrown into a pond.

If your thinking is in order,
your words will flow directly from the heart
creating ripples of love.

If you truly want to change your world, my friends,
you must change your thinking.

Reason is your greatest tool,
it creates an atmosphere of understanding,
which leads to caring which is love.

Choose your words with care.
Go forth … with love.

Best buddies?

Four friends, who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a
party

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those
who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, ‘My son is my pride and joy. He started working
at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics
and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder
and now he’s the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave
his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.’

The second guy said, ‘Darn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride
and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school
to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where
he owns the majority of its assets He’s so rich that he gave his best
friend a brand new jet for his birthday.’

The third man said: ‘Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the
best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.’

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth
returned from the restroom and asked: ‘What are all the congratulations
for?’

One of the three said: ‘We were talking about the pride we feel for
the successes of our sons. …What about your son?’

The fourth man replied: ‘My son is gay and makes a living dancing as
a stripper at a nightclub.’

The three friends said: ‘What a shame… what a disappointment.’

The fourth man replied: ‘No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him.
And he hasn’t done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he
received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and
a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.’

 

 

Net vir mans

Na baie jare se navorsing is daar ‘n deurbraak gemaak in die vertolking van die mees algemene gesegdes van vrouens. Hoewel die Webmeester nie verantwoordelik gehou kan word vir die korrektheid daarvan nie en ook nie noodwendig daarmee saamstem nie – plaas ek dit nogtans omdat dit wenke is wat kan werk!

1 “OK” (of in sekere gevalle “Ja – Ja”)
Hierdie is ‘n uitdrukking wat vroue gebruik aan die einde van ‘n argument wanneer hulle voel hulle is reg maar kan dit nie vat dat jy langer argumenteer nie. Dit beteken jy moet nou stilbly. (Moet nooit die uitdrukking “OK” gebruik om te beskryf hoe sy lyk nie – dit sal net een van daai argumente veroorsaak wat eindig met “OK”)

2. “Vyf minute”
“Vyf minute” beteken ‘n halfuur. Dit is net so lank as wat jou rugbywedstryd nog gaan duur of voordat jy klaar maak met die werk op die rekenaar voordat jy die vuilgoed moet uitgooi, vrouens reken dis ‘n regverdige terugkry.

3. “Niks . . .”
“Niks” beteken “iets” en jy beter op jou tone wees! “Niks” word gewoonlik gebruik om die gevoel te beskryf wat ‘n vrou het om jou om te dop. “Niks” dui gewoonlik op ‘n argument wat gaan eindig met “OK”

4. “Gaan aan” (Met wenkbroue wat lig)
Hierdie is nie toestemming nie! As jy die fout maak om dit as toestemming te vertolk sal die vrou opgewonde raak oor “Niks” en julle gaan vir “vyf minute” argumenteer wat gaan eindig met “OK”

5. “Gaan aan” (Met gewone wenkbroue )
Hierdie uitdrukking dui ook nie op toestemming nie. Dit beteken “ek gee op” of “Doen net wat jy wil – ek gee nie meer om nie! “Gaan aan” word gewoonlik binne ‘n paar minute gevolg deur “Niks” en “OK” en dan sal sy weer binne “Vyf minute” met jou praat as sy afgekoel het.

6. “Harde sug”
Hierdie is nie regtig ‘n woord nie maar ‘n verbale uitdrukking wat baie keer misverstaan word. ‘n “Harde sug” beteken sy dink jy is ‘n idioot en sy wonder hoekom sy haar tyd staan en mors deur te argumenteer oor “niks”.

7. “Sagte sug”
Hierdie is weereens nie ‘n woord nie maar ‘n uitdrukking. Dit is normaalweg nogal een van die dinge wat mans verstaan. Dit beteken dat sy vir die oomblik tevrede is. Jou beste opsie is om stil te bly . . . jou asem op te hou . . . en te hoop dat dit ‘n rukkie aanhou.

8. “O”
Hierdie uitdrukking gevolg deur ‘n stelling – spel moeilikheid. bv. “O” – nou is ek die een . . . of “O” nou wil jy vir my sê . . . Indien sy “O” voor ‘n stelling sê – hardloop, moenie loop nie, hardloop! Sy sal vir jou sê sy is “OK” nadat sy jou goed by die deur uitgegooi het. Moet egter nie verwag sy gaan binne die volgende twee dae met jou praat nie.(Sien “Stilstuipe”) (“O” gevolg deur ‘n stelling beteken gewoonlik sy het jou uitgevang – so bly stil en hardloop!)

9. “Dis OK”
Hierdie is een van die gevaarlikste dinge wat ‘n vrou vir ‘n man kan sê! “Dis OK” is nie dieselfde as “OK” nie en beteken sy wil eers ernstig besin voor sy besluit wat is ‘n toepaslike straf vir dit wat jy aan haar gedoen het. “Dis OK” word gewoonlik saam met uitdrukkings soos “OK”, “Harde sug”, “Gaan aan” (Met wenkbroue wat lig), ens. gebruik. Wanner sy tyd gehad het om daaroor te dink – begin jou probleme

10 “Nou toe!”
Hierdie is nie ‘n stelling nie – dis ‘n aanbod. Die vrou gee jou geleentheid om met ‘n verskoning vorendag te kom. Met ander woorde – sy gee jou die kans om nog dieper in die gemors te beland! As jy hierdie situasie reg hanteer behoort jy nie ‘n “Dis OK” as antwoord te kry nie

11 “Dankie”
Sy sê vir jou dankie! Moenie agteroor val of na jou asem snak nie – sy bedoel dit! Al wat jy moet doen is om te sê “Plesier”

12 “Baie Dankie” (Met klem op al die lettergrepe)
Dit beteken sy is hoogs ontsteld. “Baie Dankie” word gewoonlik gevolg deur “Harde sug”. Moenie eers vra wat verkeerd is nie want sy gaan net sê “Niks”

13 “Stilstuipe”
“Slilstuipe” is weereens nie ‘n uit drukking nie , maar ‘n houding. Sy sal vir dae nie met jou praat nie terwyl al die ander dinge normaal voortgaan. In hierdie tyd sal sy niks doen wat jy later teen haar sal kan hou nie. Al wat dit beteken is dat sy nog nie vergeet het wat na “O” gebeur het nie!

Golf (Thanx N)

Four married guys go away on a golfing weekend.

 

During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

 

First Guy: ‘You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing

this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the

house next weekend.’          

 

Second Guy: ‘That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her

a new deck for the pool.’

 

Third Guy: ‘Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will

re-model the kitchen for her.’

 

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has

not said a word. So they ask him, ‘You haven’t said anything about what you

had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?’

 

Fourth guy: ‘I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap

on the ass and said: ‘Golf course or intercourse?’

 

She said: “Remember to wear sun-block…

Random Thoughts! (Thanx L)

  • Birds of a feather flock together… and then they mess on your car.    
  • A penny saved is a government oversight.  
  • The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the most tempting moment. 
  • The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. 
  • He who hesitates is probably right. 
  • Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ” XL.” 
  • If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody. 
  • If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 
  • The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble. 
  • There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt. 
  • Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ” THE”  and ” IRS” together it spells “THEIRS?” 
  • Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. 
  • The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. 
  • Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know why I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved. 
  • When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. 
  • Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. 
  • Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it’s called golf. 
  • Change is what happens when the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go. 

First game of golf

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the Wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, “I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.”
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, “Come on in.”
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A large black man was sitting on the coach asked, “Are you the people that broke my window?”
“Uh..yeah, sir. We’re sure sorry about that,” the husband replied.
“Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you one wish, but if you don’t mind, I will keep the last one for myself.
“Wow, that’s great” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”
“No problem,” said the genie. “You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do. And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life and now you young lady what do you want?” the genie asked.
“I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,” she said.
“Consider it done,” the genie said. “And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!”
“And now,” the couple asked in unison, “what’s your wish, genie?”
“Well since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.”
The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?”
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you honey?”
“You know I love you sweetheart,” said the husband. “I’d do the same for you!” So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, “How old are you and your husband?”
“Why, we’re both 35,” she responded breathlessly.
“No kidding.” He said, “Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?

Morris and his wife Ester

Morris and his wife Ester went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say,
‘Ester, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.

‘Esther always replied, ‘I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars’

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,
‘Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.’

To this, Esther replied, ‘Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’

The pilot overheard the couple and said, ‘Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won’t charge you!
But if you say one word, it’s fifty dollars.’

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fan cy maneuvers,
but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
‘By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!’

Morris replied, ‘Well to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Ester fell out,
but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!’

 

Hot office girl

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.. but she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, I’ll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you….The girl looked at him, and then said,’NO!’
Eddie said, ‘I’ll be real fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I’ll finish by the time you’ve picked it up.’
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend…so she called him and explained the situation.
Her boy friend says, ‘Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast He won’t even be able to get his pants down.’ She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend’s call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened…..? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,
‘The bastard had all quarters!’

 

Toilet Walls Graffiti:


I’ve decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
–Houghton Library, Harvard University . Cambridge , Massachusetts .

Don’t trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die.
–Men’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign , IL

Beauty is only a light switch away.
–Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham , North Carolina.

Remember, it’s not, “How high are you?” it’s “Hi, how are you?”
–Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia .

God made pot. Man made beer. Whom do you trust?
— The Irish Times, Washington , D.C.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
–The Bayou, Baton Rouge , Louisiana .

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
–Men’s Room, Linda’s Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill , North Carolina .

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
–Bentley’s House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , Arizona .

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
–Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona .

Make love, not war.–Hell, do both, get married!
–Women’s restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman , Montana .

God is dead. -Nietzsche; Nietzsche is dead. -God
–The Tombs Restaurant. Washington , D.C.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
–Revolution Books. New York , New York .

A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.
–Women’s restroom, Dick’s Last Resort. Dallas , Texas .