1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good, either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
4. Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
5. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.
6. Tell me what you need and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
7. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue.
8. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
9. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
10. Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”
11. My Reality Check bounced.
12. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.
13. I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.
14. You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
15. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
16. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
17. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.
18. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?