Gesondheid – Die antwoorde op jou vrae (die wat jy wil hoor)

V: Ek hoor kardiovaskulêre oefening is goed vir ‘n mens, is dit waar?
A: Jou hart is slegs gebou om soveel maal te klop, en dan’s dit alles oor…Moenie dit op oefening vermors nie. Enige orgaan raak uiteindelik uitgeput. As jy dit vinniger laat klop sal dit jou nie langer laat leef nie; dis so goed as om te sê dat jy jou kar se leeftyd kan verleng deur hom vinniger te ry. Wil jy langer leef? Gaan dut so ‘n bietjie.

V: Moet ek minder vleis eet en meer vrugte en groente?
A: Jy verstaan nie die beginsel van logistieke doeltreffendheid nie. Wat eet ‘n bees? Gras en hooi endiesmeer, wat groentes is. Dus is ‘n lekker stuk steak niks anders as ‘n doeltreffende manier om groente in jou stelsel te kry. Wil jy groente hê? Eet hoender. Bief is ook ‘n goeie bron van vesels aangesien gras vol daarvan is. ‘n Varktjoppie kan ook help om te verseker dat jy 100% van jou daaglikse aanbevole dosis groente inkry.

V: Moet ek my alkoholinname verminder?
A: Nee geensins nie. Wyn is van vrugte gemaak. Brandewyn is gedistilleerde wyn, wat beteken dat hulle die water uit die vrugtige deel verwyder sodat daar soveel meer van die voedingswaarde oorbly. Bier word ook van graan gemaak. Hou die blinkkant bo!

V: Wat is die voordele daarvan om aan ‘n gereelde oefenprogram deel te neem?
A: Kan nie aan ‘n enkele voordeel dink nie, jammer. My filosofie is hoe minder pyn hoe beter!

V: Is gebraaide kosse nie sleg vir jou nie?
A: JY LUISTER NIE!!!!. Kosse word in plantolies gebraai deesdae. Om die waarheid te sê hulle is deurdrenk daarmee. Hoe kan dit sleg vir jou wees as jy nog meer groente inkry?

V: Is sjokolade sleg vir my?
A: Is jy laf? HELLO. Kakao bone! Nog ‘n groentesoort!!! Dit is die beste gesonde lekkerny ooit!

V: Is swem goed vir my figuur?
A: Het jy al ‘n walvis gesien?

Wel ek hoop dit sal al die alledaagse mistastings oor voedsels en diëte opklaar.

En onthou:

Die lewe is nie ‘n reis na die graf met die doel om veilig in ‘n aantreklike en goed gepreserveerde karkas daar aan te kom nie, jy moet eerder met jou gat daarin skuur – met ‘n Chardonnay in die een hand – sjokolade in die ander – liggaam goed opgebruik terwyl jy hardop skree: ‘Jie ha, dit was nou vir jou ‘n bakgat trippie!’


1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good, either.


2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.


3. I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.


4. Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.


5. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.


6. Tell me what you need and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.


7. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue.


8. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.


9. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.


10. Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”


11. My Reality Check bounced.


12. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.


13. I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.


14. You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.


15. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.


16. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.


17. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.


18. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?




Living on Earth is expensive,
but it does include a free trip
Around the sun every year.

How long a minute is
depends on what side of the
bathroom door you’re on.

Birthdays are good for you;
the more you have,
the longer you live.

Happiness comes through doors you
didn’t even know you left open.

Ever notice that the people who are late
are often much jollier
than the people who have to wait for them?

Most of us go to our grave
with our music still inside of us.

If Shoprite-Checkers is lowering prices every day,
how come nothing is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun
to only make once.

Don’t cry because it’s over;
smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons:
some are sharp, some are pretty,
some are dull, some have weird names,
and all are different colors….but
they all exist very nicely in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who
can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Have an awesome day, and
know that someone
who thinks you’re great
has thought about you today!..

To 7 yr olds: What do you think about beer?

Some interesting responses:

7 year old Tim:
” I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets ”

7 year old Mellanie:
” Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice ”

7 year old Grady:
“My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn’t think this is very funny ”

7 year old Toby:
” My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing ”

7 year old Sarah:
“My Dad gets pissed on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn’t have too much ”

7 year old Lilly:
” My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool ”

7 year old Ethan:
” I don’t like beer very much Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbaque and they taste disgusting ”

7 year old Shirley:
” I give Dad’s beer to the Dog and he goes to sleep”

7 year old Jack:
” My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn’t make any sense”

New Computer Virusses

Stays locked away in some unused region of your pc for 27 years and then takes it over completely.

Extinguishes all data like a stompie.

Separates PowerPoint slides based on colour. The nice thing about this virus is that anything that goes wrong with your computer can be blamed on this virus.

A second rate virus that takes the place of a really good programme that was on your PC. In some cases the really good programme still hangs around and does all the work but the virus takes the credit.

Crashes through your PC with very little regard for the rules of the internet highway. Stops data traffic for no reason. Causes other data to explode. Doesn’t have a software licence.

Stops your PC in the middle of crucial production runs. Also causes your PC speakers to toi-toi at regular intervals, and isa lways demanding more memory.

This virus is a stolen version of the realt hing. Makes your PC worth less than the plastic its made of.

Keeps turning your clock back by 20 years. Slows down the fastest PC to the speed of the operator and has to be manually supervised to check for errors.

Takes illegal residence of your PC and then starts stealing components, difficult to remove, claims to have more right to your PC than installed programmes, because its forefathers were there first.

Tries to drag all PCs down to the level of the slowest machine with the least memory.

Is obsessed with killing your motherboard fatherboard and any other board that it finds.

Also similar to the Microsoft Virus, Promises you the earth but fails to deliver or delivers software with more bugs than the original.


You know you’re in JHB when..

1. The person in front of you in traffic this morning was hijacked and you got irritated because you missed the robot.

2. While eating dinner, a news item comes on TV about a family of six slaughtered in their home, and you ask someone to pass you the salt.
3. You never think of taxis in terms of public transport.
4. While waiting at the ATM, the bank is robbed by armed gunmen, but you’ll be damned if you’re going to lose your place in the queue.
5. You’re suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.
6. The last time you drove your car without swearing at someone was when you took your drive test.
7. It takes you an hour and a half to drive 5km to work in the morning and you think wow, good traffic day.
8. Every time you find your car parked where you left it you are genuinely surprised.
9. You’ve never been to Melville or Rocky St but love Sandton City.
10. You can get into a four-hour argument about the quickest way out of Sunninghill after work on a Friday, but can’t find Boksburg on a map. Oh, and where is Nigel?
11. You’ve seriously considered shooting someone.
12. You have more barbed wire around your home than Diepkloof Prison.

13. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.


Ever Wonder?

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?




True newspaper clippings!

These are actual news excerpts from various national newspapers !!! 
The Cape Times (Cape Town) 
“I have promised to keep his identity confidential,’ said Jack Maxim, a spokeswoman for the Sandton Sun Hotel, Johannesburg, “but I can confirm that he is no longer in our employment”. “We asked him to clean the lifts and he spent four days on the job. When I asked him why, he replied; ‘ Well, there are forty of them, two on each floor, and sometimes some of them aren’t there.’ Eventually, we realised that he thought each floor had a different lift, and he’d cleaned the same two twelve times. “We had to let him go. It seemed best all round. I understand he is now working for Woolworths.” 

The Star (Johannesburg) 
“The situation is absolutely under control,” Transport Minister Ephraim Magagula told the Swaziland parliament in Mbabane. “Our nation’s merchant navy is perfectly safe. We just don’t know where it is, that’s all.” Replying to an MP’s question, Minister Magagula admitted that the landlocked country had completely lost track of its only ship, the Swazimar: “We believe it is in a sea somewhere. At one time, we sent a team of men to look for it, but there was a problem with drink and they failed to find it, and so, technically, yes, we’ve lost it a bit. But I categorically reject all suggestions of incompetence on the part of this government. The Swazimar is a big ship painted in the sort of nice bright colours you can see at night. Mark my words, it will turn up. The right honourable gentleman opposite is a very naughty man, and he will laugh on  the other side of his face when my ship comes in.” 

The Standard (Kenya) 
“What is all the fuss about?” Weseka Sambu asked a hastily convened news conference at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport. “A technical hitch like this could have happened anywhere in the world. You people are not patriots.You just want to cause trouble”. Sambu, a spokesman for Kenya Airways, was speaking after the cancellation of a through flight from Kisumu, via Jomo Kenyatta, to Berlin: “The forty-two passengers had boarded the plane ready for take-off, when the pilot noticed one of the tyres was flat. Kenya Airways did not possess a spare tyre, and unfortunately the airport nitrogen canister was empty. 
A passenger suggested taking the tyre to a petrol station for inflation, but unluckily the jack had gone missing so we couldn’t get the wheel off. Our engineers tried heroically to re-inflate the tyre with a bicycle pump, but had no luck, and the pilot even blew into the valve with his mouth, but  he passed out. “When I announced that the flight had to be abandoned, one of the passengers, Mr Mutu, suddenly struck me about the face with a life-jacketwhistle and said we were a national disgrace. I told him he was being ridiculous, and that there was to be another flight in a fortnight. And, in the meantime, he would be able to enjoy the scenery around Kisumu, albeit at his own expense.” 

Liewe Kersvader

Jannie Goeddoen
Stoepville 112
Suid Afrika
26 Desember 2002

Hello Oom Kersvader

Soos U seker al opgelet het in die laaste jaar het my gedrag
aansienklik verbeter. Ek het opgehou om vir Sannie “viskoekie” te noem al irreteer sy my nog steeds. Ek het ook begin leer en my skoolwerk is vir die eerte keer van so aard dat Ma en Pa my toelaat om die Simpsons te kyk.

Ek was ook elke tweede Saterdag my pa se kar en elke alternatiewe Saterdag sny ek gras en vat ook elke oggend die vullis uit vir my ma.

Soos jy weet haat ek kar was, grassny en vullis verwydering

Ek het ook begin om oumense oor die pad te help eerder as om hulle vol modder te ry met my BMX.

Hierdie jaar het baie van my gevat en ek moes ophou sjokolade eet
omdat dit my kop laat uithaak het en dit my glad nie help om die voorbeeldige, goedgesinde, eerlike, saggeaarde engeltjie te wees wat almal leer ken het oor die laaste jaar nie.

Nou het ek net een vraag vir jou:
Wat die hel het jou besiel om vir my ‘n paar fucked-up sokkies, ‘n
walglike paar “donkie-slippers” en ‘n kalkulator vir kersfees te gee, instead van die Go-Cart, mountainbike en radarkar wat ek jou voor gevra het?

Jou bedrieglike vet rooi bliksem – ek gaan jou kry.

Ek gaan in hierdie sokkies skyt en dit om Rudolf se neus vasbind. Hy sal eenvoudig op niks anders kan konsentreer behalwe om weg te kom van die reuk, en hopelik die res van jou geselskappie voor ‘n trein of trok inlei! As hy sou oorleef gaan ek hom ‘n stadige dood laat sterf.

Die res van jou groepie takbokke is biltong! Hulle sal lewendig opgehang word!!!

Nog nooit het ek so gebruik gevoel nie. Sannie gaan aftjop !! Pa en Ma gaan aftjop !! Al die oumense gaan weer aftjop!!

Alles net as gevolg van jou bedrieglikheid. Glo my, ek gaan nie rus nie voor ek hierdie twee “donkie-slippers” in jou agterkant opgeskop het nie.

Vir elke dag wat verby gaan en ek jou nog nie terug gekry het nie,
gaan Wortel, Sannie se kat, dit kry. Ek gaan hom met Pa se sekuritietsknuppel skok!

Die kalkulator gaan ek nou op pie en dit daarna deur oom Jaap en anti Kiti se voorruit gooi!

Alles wat die mense oorkom is nou jou skuld, Lekker rond vlieg, as ek jou en daai takbokke weer naby ons huis sien , gaan ek julle met klippe gooi!

Vriendelike Groete

Ps. Ek weet waar jy bly!!

Kids advice ….. to Kids….!

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. – Patrick, age 10

2. When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” don’t answer him.
– Michael, 14

3. Never tell your mom her diet’s not working. – Michael, 14

4. Stay away from prunes. – Randy, 9

5. Never pee on an electric fence. – Robert, 13

6. Don’t squat with your spurs on. – Noronha, 13

7. Don’t pull dad’s finger when he tells you to. – Emily, 10

8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair. –
Taylia, 11

9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school
assignment. – Traci, 14

10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. – Kyoyo, 9

11. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. – Armir, 9

12. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. – Lauren, 9

13. Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat. – Joel, 10

14. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on
the phone. – Alyesha, 13

15. Never try to baptize a cat. – Eileen, 8