Don’t Tease Old Ladies!

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn’t stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so “spicy” that I just laid down and told him
“Take me, young man. Take me now!”

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, “April Fool!” And that’s when I shot him, the little bastard.

Sterfgoed – hoe pragtig is Afrikaans nie

Fanus Rautenbach:n Ons moet almal eendag sterwe, maar elkeen sterf
volgens sy beroep:

Reisigers gaan heen.
Jagters gaan bokveld toe.
Parlementslede op die groen kussings gaan sag heen.
Die melkman en die posman kom om.

Die horlosiemaker se tyd het aangebreek.
Die valskermspringer ontval ons.
Die tuinier is van die gras af gemaak.
Die melkboer het die emmer geskop.
Die begrafnisondernemer sien sy gat.

Die dominee het die tydelike met die ewige verwissel.
Die ouderling is ontslape.
Die koerantman is direk hemel toe.
Die skeidsregter het sy laaste asem uitgeblaas.
Die dokter se hart het gaan staan.

Die elektrisi?n se liggie is gedoof.
Die koster het die doodsklok hoor lui.
Die kleremaker se draad is geknip.
Die Springbokrugby-afrigter kom tot rus.
Skoonmoeder – die duiwel het haar kom haal – ?

Kom lag bietjie …

Wat is brandende liefde?………Dis wanneer jy
in die donker die Vaseline
soek en die Vicks raakvat!

******************************************
Gatiep en Maraai stap uit Spar uit met ‘n pram
Maraai kyk in die pram en skree:

“DISSIE VERKEERDE kind!!!”
Gatiep se: ” Hou jou bek man dit is ‘n beter pram!”
*******************************************
Ou oom sit by die busstop en hy huil. Een ou kom
en vra hoekom huil hy
dan. Hy se hy is met ‘n 18-jarige meisie getroud
en het seks in die
oggend, in die middag en in die aand. Ou vra: “Nou
hoekom huil oom dan?”
Oom: “Ek het vergeet waar ons bly.”
*******************************************
As twee tots brandy jou hups maak en twee tots rum
jou lus maak, wat maak
‘n meisie swanger?……’n Dubbel Bols en ‘n stywe
Johnny Walker.
*****************************************
Dominee en ouderling doen huisbesoek by ‘n sexy
weduwee met ‘n lae halslyn.
Om haar nek is ‘n kettinkie met ‘n goue kruis wat
laag hang. Die dominee
sien hoe die ouderling staar. Hy vra: “Broer, is
jou oog op die kruis
gerig?” Ouderling: “Nee dominee, ek hou die twee
sondaars weerskante dop.”
******************************************
Oupa wil vir kleindogter ‘n rydingetjie koop om
mee werktoe te ry en stel
belang in die ou Fordjie wat so goed was in sy
jong dae. Vra bietjie rond
en kom op ‘n koerant advertensie af en lees:
“Eskort agentskap.” Oom bel
en vra: “Wat kos die Eskortjie?” Man aan
anderkant van die foon: “So
tussen R200 en R400.” Oom: “Man teen daardie prys
is hul seker sat gery.”
******************************************
Hoekom maak hulle Milky Bars ?……Sodat swart
kindertjies ook vuil
gesiggies kan he as hulle tjoklits eet.
*****************************************
Dominee se: “Laat ons bid vir die siekes.” Ou
oom sit sy hand op sy
gulp. Tannie gluur hom aan en se: “Hy bid vir die
siekes, nie vir die
opstanding van die dooies nie.”

*****************************************
Sekretaresse sien haar baas se gulp is oop. Sy
se: “Meneer, jou garage
deur is oop.” Hy: “Sien jy my Ferrari?” Sy:
“Nee, ek sien ‘n klein
scooter met twee pap wiele.”
*******************************************
Liewe Dr. Ruth, Ek blei in LadyGray en soek
biekie raat. Ek is 17 jaar
out en in graat 4. Gistraant het mei ou Fires van
Helsdingen aan my
sponsie gevat….ek het gevoel daar is iets baje
hart in sy broek, so grood
soos ‘n blacklybel botil….Dink jei hei het ‘n
drankprobleem? Groete, Sarie.”
********************************************
Man wil sy van verander. Vrou by Binnelandse Sake
vra: “Hoekom, wat’s fout
met u van?” Man: “My van is Nis ” Dame: “Wat’s
fout daarmee?” Man:
“Skakel my kantoor en vra vir Mnr. Nis ” Die dame
skakel en vra vir Mnr.
Nis . Ontvangsdame aan ander kant: “Is dit Mnr
A.Nis of Mnr P.Nis?”
*******************************************
Verpleegster grawe in haar handsak vir ‘n pen om
‘n tjek uit te skryf. Sy
haal ‘n anale koorspen uit. “Verdomp”, sug sy,
“Een of ander poephol het alweer my pen.”
*******************************************
Klein Liesbet wat 5 word verjaar. Ouma vra wat
wil sy he vir haar
verjaarsdag. “Die Pil Ouma”. Ouma kry amper ‘n
hartaanval en vra geskok:
“Hoekom?” Liesbet: “Ek het nou 10 poppe, genoeg
is genoeg!”
******************************************
Gatiep loop met ‘n spul sinkplate onder sy arm die
straat af. Sy pel vra:
“Wat is daai?” Gatiep: “Ek is vanoggend geskei en
ek het die huis gekry.”

‘n Paar vinniges!!

Blond huil vreeslik tydens die geboorte van haar tweeling.
Dr vra verbaas “hoekom huil jy so vreeslik, jy het dan nounet ‘n
tweeling ryker geraak?” “Ja”, sê sy, “maar ek weet nie wie die pa van die tweede
een is nie ”
______________________________________________

Seuntjie blaai deur sy Ouma se Bybel en kom op ‘n gedroogde vyeblaar af.
Opgewonde hardloop hy die gang af en skreeu, “Ouma, Ouma, Eva het haar
“pantie” in jou Bybel vergeet.

_______________________________________________

Juffrou in die biologieklas aan klas:”Wie kan vir my se wat is ‘n
parasiet?” Jannie antwoord:”Juffrou dit is ‘n meisiesfiets se saal..”

_______________________________________________

Vir die pionierswerk wat prof Barnard gedoen het, is daar besluit om ‘n
groot hart op sy graf te sit. Sy familie is baie dankbaar dat hy nie ‘n
ginekoloog was nie……
_______________________________________________

Gatiep le in die hospitaal na ‘n moerse ongeluk.
Hy vra vir die dokter:”Sal ek darem kan kitaar speel?”
“Ja” se die dokter.
“Dis fantasties” se Gatiep, “want ek kon nog nooit nie!”
_______________________________________________

Vrou wat rondkuier se man vermoed dit en se vir haar:”Dit lyk my ek speel
nou 2de viool. Vrou se:”met ‘n fluitjie soos joune kan jy nog bly wees jy
is in die donnerse orkes!”
_______________________________________________

Ou Oom:” Ek het my ID verloor en moes my grys borshare wys om my old age
pension te kon trek” Ou Vrou:”As jy jou broek afgetrek het kon jy
disability pension ook gekry het!..

Blapse in Kerkblaadjies!

Die blomme in die kerk sal geskenk word aan diegene wat siek is na die erediens.

Volgende week word die kerkraadsvergadering Woensdag om sewe-uur gehou, en die predikant van Sondag is in die konsistorie opgeplak.

Basaarafkondiging: Almal welkom! Kom gerus as jy niks aanhet nie en kom deel in die pret.

Ons gemeente gaan vanaand lekker melkskommels in die kerksaal drink, sal alle vroue wat melk skenk asseblief reeds om 18h00 daar wees.

Ons het vanaand ‘n byeenkoms in beide die oostelike vleuel en die westelike vleuel van ons kerkgebou. Babas sal beide kante gedoop word.

Alle vrouelidmate kom Woensdag die elfde in die biblioteeksaal bymekaar vir ‘n praatjie oor die hemel. Hoe jy daar kan kom? Vervoer is beskikbaar om 19h00 vanaf die bushalte oorkant die hotel.

‘n Nuwe luidsprekersisteem is in die kerk geinstalleer. Dit is ‘n geskenk deur een van ons gemeentelede ter herinnering aan sy vrou…

Weight Watchers het weer vanaand hulle byeenkoms in die saal. Gebruik asseblief die dubbeldeure van die syingang.

November die negentiende om tienuur. Oggenddiens : Ds. Bruwer – Die wereld se grootste probleem

New jobtitles for 2010!

Gardener– Landscape Executive
House Maid –Family Environs Manager
House wife Domestic –Operations Specialist
Receptionist –Front Office Manager
Typist / Secretary– Printed Document Handler
Messenger– Business Communications Conveyer
Window Cleaner –Transparent Wall Technician
Temporary Teacher– Associate Tutor
Tealady –Refreshment Officer
Garbage Collector –Public Sanitation Technician
Thief –Wealth Distribution Officer
Watchman –Theft Prevention and Surveillance Officer or guard
Security –Wealth Distribution Prevention Officer
Driver– Automobile Propulsion Specialist
Murderer –Population Stabilizer
Beggar –Financial Gatherer
Cleaner –Hygiene Specialist
Gossiper –Research Mana

Forgotton Laws of Newton!

LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.

LAW OF THE BATHROOM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will!

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach

LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold

Why God made Mums !!

BRILLIANT Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions!!

Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He Just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you Your mother & not some other mum?
1. We’re related
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s mums like me.

What kind of little girl was your mum?
1. My mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mum need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mum marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mum didn’t have her thinking cap on.

Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because Dad’s such a nut.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.

What’s the difference between mums & dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but mums have all the real power ’cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.
4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mum perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that.
2. I’d make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Voorbeelde van hoe die SA Media die einde van die wêreld sal hanteer:

Beeld: Is daar nog lewe?

Rapport: Einde van Springbok-era

Burger: Beslis ´n ANC/SAKP-komplot

Huisgenoot: WARE LEWENSDRAMA: Huisgenoot-vrou vertel van haar laaste oomblikke

Sarie: Nou het jy nie meer vriendinne nodig nie

De Kat: Anna-Mart oor laaste ure

Insig: Chris Louw oor laaste ure

M-Net: We stopped the magic. M-Net

Jip: Dis nou c o o l … ekker

Kerkbode: Dominee Jan se voorbode word eindelik waar

Edgars Klub Tydskrif: Go out in style

Landbou Weekblad: Wat ´n misoes!

Die Volksblad: Einde van wêreld knou mielie-oes

Litnet: Boetman is vir oulaas rerig die bliksem in

Finansies en Tegniek: Die rand se gly verby

Rooi Rose: Susan Coetzer kuier saam met die engele

VISI: Bonatuurlike dekor

The Mayonnaise Jar

 

When things in your life seem

Almost too much to handle,

When 24 Hours in a day is not enough,

Remember the mayonnaise jar

And 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class And had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly,

He picked up a very large

And empty mayonnaise jar

And proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students

If the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.

He shook the jar lightly.

The pebbles rolled into the open

Areas between the golf balls.

He then asked

The students again

If the jar was full..

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand And poured it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded

With an unanimous “yes.”

The professor then produced

Two cups of coffee from under the table

And poured the entire contents

Into the jar, effectively

Filling the Empty space between the sand.

The students laughed.

“Now,” said the professor,

As the laughter subsided,

“I want you to recognize that

This jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things – God, family, children, health, Friends, and Favorite passions — Things that if everything else was lost And only they remained, Your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter Like your job, house, and car.

The sand is everything else—

The small stuff.

“If you put the sand into the jar first,”

He continued,

“there is no room for

The pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time

And energy on the small stuff,

You will never have room for

The things that are

Important to you.

So…

Pay attention to the things

That are critical to your happiness.

Play With your children.

Take time to get medical checkups.

Take your partner out to dinner.

Play another 18.

There will always be time

To clean the house

And fix the disposal.

“Take care of the golf balls first—

The things that really matter.

Set your priorities.

The rest is just sand.”

One of the students raised her hand

And inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled.

“I’m glad you asked”.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for A couple of cups of coffee with a friend.”