A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the Wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, “I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.”
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, “Come on in.”
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A large black man was sitting on the coach asked, “Are you the people that broke my window?”
“Uh..yeah, sir. We’re sure sorry about that,” the husband replied.
“Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you one wish, but if you don’t mind, I will keep the last one for myself.
“Wow, that’s great” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”
“No problem,” said the genie. “You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do. And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life and now you young lady what do you want?” the genie asked.
“I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,” she said.
“Consider it done,” the genie said. “And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!”
“And now,” the couple asked in unison, “what’s your wish, genie?”
“Well since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.”
The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?”
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you honey?”
“You know I love you sweetheart,” said the husband. “I’d do the same for you!” So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, “How old are you and your husband?”
“Why, we’re both 35,” she responded breathlessly.
“No kidding.” He said, “Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?

Morris and his wife Ester went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say,
‘Ester, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.

‘Esther always replied, ‘I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars’

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,
‘Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.’

To this, Esther replied, ‘Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’

The pilot overheard the couple and said, ‘Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won’t charge you!
But if you say one word, it’s fifty dollars.’

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fan cy maneuvers,
but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
‘By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!’

Morris replied, ‘Well to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Ester fell out,
but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!’

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.. but she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, I’ll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you….The girl looked at him, and then said,’NO!’
Eddie said, ‘I’ll be real fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I’ll finish by the time you’ve picked it up.’
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend…so she called him and explained the situation.
Her boy friend says, ‘Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast He won’t even be able to get his pants down.’ She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend’s call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened…..? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,
‘The bastard had all quarters!’

I’ve decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
–Houghton Library, Harvard University . Cambridge , Massachusetts .

Don’t trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die.
–Men’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign , IL

Beauty is only a light switch away.
–Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham , North Carolina.

Remember, it’s not, “How high are you?” it’s “Hi, how are you?”
–Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia .

God made pot. Man made beer. Whom do you trust?
– The Irish Times, Washington , D.C.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
–The Bayou, Baton Rouge , Louisiana .

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
–Men’s Room, Linda’s Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill , North Carolina .

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
–Bentley’s House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , Arizona .

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
–Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona .

Make love, not war.–Hell, do both, get married!
–Women’s restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman , Montana .

God is dead. -Nietzsche; Nietzsche is dead. -God
–The Tombs Restaurant. Washington , D.C.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
–Revolution Books. New York , New York .

A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.
–Women’s restroom, Dick’s Last Resort. Dallas , Texas .

& Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

& Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

& Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

& Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

& Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

& Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

& Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

& Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

& Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

& Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

& Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

& The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

& Murphy’s Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

& Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

& Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

& Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.

& Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

& Doctors’ Law
If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. Don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.

 

It was a miserable hot day in Dallas and these two black whores were walking down the street when one (Mary Jane) says to the other (Eloise), “Eloise, honey, it is so hot out here today, why don’t we take off our panties so’s we be cool” Eloise says, “Oh, I don’t know Mary Jane, I be too embarrassed”.

And the woman says, “Honey child… I don’t no nuffin a bouts being cool, but it sho do keeps the flies off my watermelon”!

After the tragedy in New York, Washington (September 11th) and London, the question arises:

Well…if that happens, there can be no comparison. That’s because in S.A we are much better prepared for these kinds of attacks.

1. We do not construct exaggerated elevated high-rise buildings these days, only squatter camps.

2. We all get stuck in traffic in the morning, so at 8.45am the building would still be empty.

3. Firefighters and police officers will do their utmost not to get to the spot in time. They will reach there just when everything is over, so there will be no casualties among them.

4. Johannesburg International would surely have fouled up the terrorist’s plans by delaying the plane.

5. A South African would never let a terrorist hijack a plane. He would beat him up, and send him back to where he came from. (Or use him for police dog training)

6. A South African would not have used his cell phone to call home, he will rather send “please call me”. He would have hit the terrorist over the head with it then steal terrorist’s weapons.

7.If a terrorist lived in South Africa for one year he would have been robbed and molested so many times that he would have given up and gone back home a long time ago….

You see…in South Africa, we are well prepared!

We are proudly South African!

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their
wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is
concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they
spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and
the expected knock’ on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens
and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares
to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her
bedroom door, and it’s Roger. Again he is ready for more ‘action’.

Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the
newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and
leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger
Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old,
ready for more ‘action’.

And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to
leave again, his young bride says to him, ‘I am thoroughly impressed that at
your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys
less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly
a great lover, Roger.’

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: ‘You mean
I was here already?’

The moral of the story: Don’t be afraid of getting old,
Alzheimer’s has its advantages

‘n Kort handleiding in 15 stappe:

 1. Plaas jou katjie in die buig van jou arm asof jy n klein baba vashou. Sit jou regter wysvinger en duim aan beide kant van sy snoetjie en oefen versigtig druk uit, terwyl jy die pil in die ander hand gereed hou. Sodra jou katjie sy bekkie oop maak, gooi die pil in en gee die katjie die geleentheid om dit af te sluk.

2. Soek die pil op die vloer en gaan haal die katjie agter die bank uit. Plaas die katjie weer in die ronding van jou arm en herhaal die proses.

3. Gaan haal die kat uit die slaapkamer en gooi die nat pil in die drom.

4. Neem n nuwe pil uit die dosie, plaas weer die kat in jou arm, terwyl jy beide voorpote stewig vashou. Forseer sy kake oop en druk die pil binne in sy mond met jou regter wysvinger. Hou die kat se bek

vir ten minste 10 tellings toe.

5. Haal die pil uit die visdam met die klein netjie en gaan haal die flippin kat bo van die kas af. Roep nou jou vriend uit die tuin uit om jou te kom help.

6. Kniel op die vloer en dwing die kat tussen jou knieë vas, neem sy pootjies in n baie stewige greep, ignoreer die harde gegrom. Laat jou vriend die kat se kop ferm vashou en dwing sy bek oop met n hout liniaal. Gooi die pil via die liniaal in sy bek in en vryf jou kat se keel om sy slukproses aan te moedig.

 7. Haal die besimpelde kat van die gordyn-reëling af en neem nog ‘n pil uit die dosie uit. Maak n aantekening om n nuwe liniaal te koop en ook om die gordyne te laat regmaak. Vee die stukke glas en keramiek van die beeldjies en potte op sodat jy dit later kan weg gooi.

8. Draai die blasende kat in n groot handoek toe en laat jou maat bo-op die kat lê of sit, sodat net die kat se kop uitsteek onder jou armholte. Suig die pil met n strooitjie op en forseer die blerrie kat se bek oop. Blaas die pil, deur die strooitjie, in die kat se keel af.

9. Lees die pamflet deur, om te sien of die pille skadeloos vir mense is en drink n koue bier om die smaak uit jou mond uit te kry. Ontsmet jou maat se arm, sit salf op die wond en draai n verband om. Verwyder die bloedvlekke van die vloer.

10. Gaan haal die vokken kat uit die buurman se garage, neem nog n pilletjie uit die boks en drink nog n bier. Sit jou kat in die klerekas sodat net sy kop uitsteek. Forseer sy bek oop en skiet die pil met n kettie in sy keel af.

11. Gaan haal die skroewedraaier uit die garage en hang die kasdeur terug op sy skaniere. Soek die whisky bottel, neem n groot sluk en ontsmet die krapmerke op jou wange. Maak seker of jou tetnus-inspuiting nog geldig is. Gooi jou stukkende trui in die drom en gaan trek ‘n ou overall aan.

12 . Bel die brandweer om die satan-helskat uit die boom uit te kom haal. Vra jou buurman om verskoning vir die taalgebruik en neem die laaste pil uit die dosie.

13. “Tape” beide voorvoete van die tierkat aan mekaar vas met duct tape. Bind hom stewig aan die poot van die eetkamer-tafel vas met n stuk ankertou. Trek jou welding-gloves aan, druk die pil in n stukkie vleis en gooi n groot glas vol water. Hou die klein bliksem se kop agteroor, gooi die vleis in, gevolg deur die hele glas water, hou sy bek toe vir 5 minute.

14. Neem die bottle whisky en drink hom leeg. Vra jou maat om jou, so gou moontlik, by Ongevalle te kry, want jy word al lighoofdig van die bloedverlies. Laat hulle jou vingers en voor-arm vas werk en die laaste pil uit jou oog uit verwyder. Bel onderweg vir Hyperama om n nuwe eetkamer-tafel te bestel.

15. Bel ook die SPCA om te reel dat hulle die gemuteerde satanskind van n helkat kom haal en stop by die Petshop om te vra of hulle nie dalk klein hamsters het nie.