1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH’S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TOMOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADATHEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES..

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

 An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the R10, 000 and the interest, which comes to R141.66. The bank manager says, ‘Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow R10, 000?’ The blond replies … ‘Where else in Johannesburg can I park my car for two weeks for only R141.66 and expect it to be there when I return?’

Pravesh runs in, a couple minutes later he exits the crematorium severely beaten, covered in his own blood. Ravi (quite shocked),
asks: “And now Pravesh, what happened to you man?”
Pravesh: “No man, I go inside, right!”
Ravi: “Right?”

Pravesh: “I see all these sad people standing around, right?”
Ravi: “Right?”

Pravesh: “So I ask them, hey what’s cooking?”

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
– Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
– Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
– Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don’t want any more kids.
– Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
– Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
– Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
– Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they’re rich.
– Pam, age 7 (smart girl)

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
- – Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
– Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
– Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T G ET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
– Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is……..
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
– Ricky, age 10

Jannie het elke oggend met ‘n blou oog by die skool aangekom. Die juffrou het vir hom gevra hoekom sy oog blou is.
Jannie se antwoord was:

” Ons bly in ‘n klein huisie en ek en my ma en my pa slaap in een bed.
Elke aand vra my pa vir my, ” Jannie, slaap jy al? ” , dan sê ek ” Nee, pa “
en dan slaan my pa my en gee my ‘n blou oog ” .

Die Juffrou se toe vir Jannie, ” As jou pa jou weer vra, dan bly jy doodstil. ” Die volgende dag het Jannie nie ‘n blou oog nie,
toe sê hy vir die Juffrou dat hy stil gebly het. Maar die dag daarna het Jannie weer ‘n blou oog. Die juffrou vra toe vir Jannie
” Hoekom het jy dan weer ‘n blou oog? “

Hy vertel toe vir die Juffrou:” Pa het gevra…’Jannie slaap jy’?, maar toe bly ek doodstil. Pa en ma het toe gewoel in die bed.

Toe vra pa vir ma: ” Kom jy? ” toe se ma, ” Ja… kom jy ook? ” , toe se pa ” Ja ” , en toe sê ek:

” Wag vir my, ek kom ook, ek wil net gou my slippertjies aantrek. “

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems,
which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button ‘start’ but there is no ‘stop’ button. We request
you to check this.

2. We find there is ‘Run’ in the menu. One of my friends clicked ‘run’
he ran up to ESANGWENI! So, we request you to change that to ‘sit’, so
that we can click that by sitting.

3. One doubt is whether any ‘re-scooter’ is available in system? I find
only ‘re-cycle’, but I own a scooter at my home.

4. There is ‘Find’ button but it is not working properly. My wife lost
the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ‘ find’ button,
but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

5. My child learnt ‘Microsoft word’ now he wants to learn ‘Microsoft
sentence’, so when you will provide that?

6. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one
icon which shows ‘MY Computer’: when you will provide the remaining
items?

7. It is surprising that windows says ‘MY Pictures’ but there is not
even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.

8. There is ‘MICROSOFT OFFICE’ what about ‘MICROSOFT HOME’ since I use
the PC at home only.

9. You provided ‘My Recent Documents’. When you will provide ‘My Past
Documents’?

10. You provide ‘My Network Places’. PLEASE do not provide
‘My Secret Places’. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after
my office hours.

Regards,

Sipho

Last one from me to Mr Bill Gates :
Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but u are selling WINDOWS?