MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive , press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent , please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3 , 4 , 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid , we know who you are and what you want , stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional , press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic , listen carefully and a little voice will tell You which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive , hang up. It doesn’t matter which number you press , nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic , press 9-6-9-6.
If you are bipolar , please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. But Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss , press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss , press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss , press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal , put the gun down , hang up , turn on the fan , lie down and cry.
You won’t be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons.
You’ll just mess it up.
The story of the Spoon?!
The spoon:
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, ‘Steve’s Place,’ and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, ‘Why the spoon?’
‘Well, ‘he explained, ‘the restaurant’s owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.’
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. ‘I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.’ I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, ‘Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?’
‘Oh, certainly!’ Then he lowered his voice. ‘Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know -what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, ‘After you get it out, how do you put it back?’
‘Well,’ he whispered, ‘I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.’
Two for a smile!
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
——————————————————————————————
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
I wondered……..?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead?”
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
Do old people read the Bible so much because they were cramming for their finals?
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of paintings by Picasso.
If bus station is where a bus stops and a train station is where a train stops… does work stop at a work station?
If it’s true that we are here to help ‘others’ — then what exactly are the ‘others’ here for?
Never forget that ’stressed’ spelled backwards is ‘desserts’.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Clones are people two.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
No one ever says “It’s only a game,” when their team is winning.
As I said before, I never repeat myself!
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
So what’s the speed of dark?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Should wives put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?
Two blondes rob a bank!?
Blonde, Judy, planned the robbery and went over the plan with the second
blonde, Buffy, in great detail.
The robbery began. Judy drove up in front of the bank,
Stopped the car and said to Buffy, “I want to make
Absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of
the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you
Understand the plan?”
“Perfectly,” replied Buffy.
Buffy went in the bank while Judy waited in the getaway
Car. One minute passed…three minutes pass…seven
Minutes pass… and Judy was really stressing out.
Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here came Buffy.She had a safe wrapped
up in rope and is dragging it to the car.
About the time she got the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst
open again with the security guard coming out. The guard’s pants and underwear
are down around his ankles while he was firing his weapon.
As the gals are getting away, Judy yelled, “You are such a Blonde! I thought
you understood the plan!”
Buffy said, “I did. I did exactly what you said!”
“No, you idiot!” snapped Judy. “You got it all mixed up. I said, ‘tie up the
GUARD and blow the SAFE!’”
3 blondes training to be detectives?
detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first
blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how
would you recognize him?”
The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast, because he only
has one eye!”
The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture shows his
profile.”
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5
seconds at the second blonde and asks her,”This is your suspect, how would you
recognize him?”
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to
catch because he only has one ear!”
The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course
only one eye and one ear are showing,because it’s a picture of his profile!! Is
that the best? Answer you can come up with?
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde
and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize
him?” He quickly adds”
. . . Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hamm . . .
the suspect wears contact lenses.”
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know
himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting
answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get
back to you on that.”
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the
Suspect file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
“Wow! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact
lenses. Good work!
How were you able to make such an astute observation?”
“That’s easy,” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses, because he
only has one eye and one ear.
Here’s one for anyone who likes “puns”?
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“Well, It’s Not Unusual.”
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
“I don’t believe you,” says Dolly.
“It’s true; no bull!” exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know, I amputated your arms!”
;
13. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
“But why,” they asked, as they moved off.
“Because,” he said. “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family inEgypt, and is named ‘Ahmal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him ‘Juan.’ Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good) .. a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Ekke ken hom Die Bybel!
Oubaas: Het jy haar lief, Jonas?
Jonas: Oubaas vra nog. Ekke soek hom sterrik. Ekke wil hom lief.
Oubaas: As mens wil trou moet mens iets weet van die Bybel, ken jy jou Bybel?
Jonas: Auk, Oubaas ekke ken hom soos die bennekant van my hand.
Oubaas: Nou vertel bietjie dat ek kan hoor.
Jonas: Eendag daar was twee mense, Adam en Eve. Hulle bly by die tyn. Nou hulle mag eet van al die perretjies maar van die jam se perretjies hulle mag nie eet nie. Toe die boomslang hy sê vir Eve: Auk, wat se nonsens jy praat, die jam perretjies is nou mooi gar en soet en too much lekker. Nou hulle gasteel die jam peretjies. Auk, nou Adam hy sien sy broek is weg en die nooi se rok is ok weg. Shame, die nooi kry so skaam, hy kryp sommer weg en Adam hy gou-gou maak die kleer van troksvy se blaar maar nou moet hulle yt by die Radys se akker. Twee groot engelsman staan by die hek met skerp asgaai. Nou hulle sweet baie sos hulle loop en Eve sy loer so by die skouer oor, net so bietjies. Sy word sommer sout – die beeste het hom kant en klaar opgevvreet die volgende dag al. Nou Adam, die arme baas, hy het ok nie nou vrou nie. Hy loop nog so toe vra die tsotsie ja? Wat jy gemaak? Hulle slat hom met die knopkierie en gooi hom met die kleppe. Gelokkig daar kom parmantig Samertaan hy gery met sy doinkie. Sos hy gaan onder by die doringbos, sy kroesies hak by die dorings en hy gehang daar 40 days en 40 nights tot Delliah, ‘n nooi van die Tempentyne, sny sy kroesies af en hy val by die leeukuil in, maar die leeus vreet hom nie eers nie wat hy stenk too much. Nou hy gably daar tot Ruben wil hom verkoop aan die parasiete maar galokkig hy hardloop weg dat hy so bars tot hy kom by die groot water. Sommer so vennig hy plik die knopkierie eit by sy kombers en hy slaat en hy slaat die water tot hy maak oop en wat gesien? Big national road van skoon teer en white stripes en yellow stripes, die lot. Nou hy lop by die national road met sy strykwa-os en perre tot hy kom halfpad. Sjoeps… die water net gemak soos twaksak, dit lyk of dit gereent het 40 days en 40 nights. Gelokkig, hy, die groot snoekvis, hy slek hom in. Nou hy gebly binnekant die ves se pens. Oubaas, ekke gelieg nie vir jou nie, 40 days en 40 nights. Mar omdat hy stenk al weer too much en die ves hy kan nie toehou sy neus by die water nie, hy gaspoeg hom uit by die land van siermelk en putupap.
Oubaas sien ekke ken hom, die Bybel…
Allerlei!
BUMPERSTICKERS
* Dit werk beter as dit ingeprop is.
* Ek het met niks begin nie – en het nog die meeste daarvan oor!
* Koffie, sjokolade, mans – party dinge is maar net beter as dit ryk is.
* In hondejare is ek al dood.
* Kry ‘n nuwe kar vir jou gade – dit kan ‘n goeie ruil wees.
* Ek gaan betyds gradueer – maak nie saak hoe lank dit vat nie.
* ‘n Dag sonder sonskyn is soos nag.
* Eerste dinge eerste – maar nie noodwendig in daardie volgorde
nie.
* Ouderdom kom op ‘n slegte tyd.
‘n PAAR OULIKES!!
Ons land is eintlik oraait, weet jy. Die petrol gaan op, die brood gaan op, maar die krag gaan darem af.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sy: ‘Jy is alweer dronk! Weet jy nie dat drank jy grootste vyand is nie?’ Hy: ‘Ja, maar onthou, dis net bangbroeke wat vir hulle vyande vlug!’
* * * *
My vrou eet so stadig, sy kan nie eens yoghurt eet nie. Teen die tyd dat dit in haar maag is, het die raklewedatum al verstryk.
* * *
Ek glo nie ‘n restaurant op die maan sal suksesvol wees nie. Dit sal geen atmosfeer hê nie! *
* * * *
My oom is ‘n gelukkige man. Toe die Doodsengel aan sy deur kom klop het, was hy nie tuis nie.
* * *
* Hy: Jy was liewer vir my toe ons nog verloof was. Sy: Wel, om die waarheid te sê, hou ek nie eintlik van getroude mans nie.
Priceless Observations!
Yet again, the fabulous, much revered Priceless Observations Department:
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: – ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’
- Eleanor Roosevelt
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
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Money can’t buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath
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I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
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Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
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