Ekke ken hom Die Bybel!

Oubaas:   Het jy haar lief, Jonas?

Jonas:   Oubaas vra nog.  Ekke soek hom sterrik.  Ekke wil hom lief.

Oubaas:   As mens wil trou moet mens iets weet van die Bybel, ken jy jou Bybel?

Jonas:   Auk, Oubaas ekke ken hom soos die bennekant van my hand.

Oubaas:   Nou vertel bietjie dat ek kan hoor.

Jonas:   Eendag daar was twee mense, Adam en Eve.  Hulle bly by die tyn.  Nou hulle mag eet van al die perretjies maar van die jam se perretjies hulle mag nie eet nie.  Toe die boomslang hy sê vir Eve: Auk, wat se nonsens jy praat, die jam perretjies is nou mooi gar en soet en too  much lekker.  Nou hulle gasteel die jam peretjies.  Auk, nou Adam hy sien  sy broek is weg en die nooi se rok is ok weg.  Shame, die nooi kry so  skaam,  hy kryp sommer weg en Adam hy gou-gou maak die kleer van troksvy se blaar maar nou moet hulle yt by die Radys se akker. Twee groot  engelsman staan by die hek met skerp asgaai.  Nou hulle sweet baie sos hulle loop en Eve sy loer so by die skouer oor, net so bietjies.  Sy word  sommer sout – die beeste het hom kant en klaar opgevvreet die volgende dag al.  Nou Adam, die arme baas, hy het ok nie nou vrou nie.  Hy loop nog so  toe vra die tsotsie ja? Wat jy gemaak? Hulle slat hom met die knopkierie  en gooi hom met die kleppe.  Gelokkig daar kom parmantig  Samertaan hy gery met sy doinkie. Sos hy gaan onder by die doringbos, sy  kroesies hak by die dorings en hy gehang daar 40 days en 40 nights tot  Delliah, ‘n nooi van die Tempentyne, sny sy kroesies af en hy val by die leeukuil in, maar die leeus vreet hom nie eers nie wat hy stenk  too much.  Nou hy gably daar tot Ruben wil hom verkoop aan die parasiete maar galokkig hy hardloop weg dat hy so bars tot hy kom by die groot  water.  Sommer so vennig hy plik die knopkierie eit by sy kombers en hy slaat en  hy slaat die water tot hy maak oop en wat gesien?  Big national road van  skoon teer en white stripes en yellow stripes, die lot.  Nou hy lop by die  national road met sy strykwa-os en perre tot hy kom halfpad. Sjoeps… die  water net gemak soos twaksak, dit lyk of dit gereent het 40 days en 40 nights.  Gelokkig, hy, die groot snoekvis, hy slek hom in. Nou hy gebly binnekant die ves se pens.  Oubaas, ekke gelieg nie vir jou nie, 40 days en 40 nights. Mar omdat hy stenk al weer too much en die ves hy kan nie toehou sy neus by die water nie, hy gaspoeg hom uit by die land van siermelk en putupap.

Oubaas sien ekke ken hom, die Bybel…

Allerlei!

BUMPERSTICKERS

*  Dit werk beter as dit ingeprop is.

*  Ek het met niks begin nie – en het nog die meeste daarvan oor!

*  Koffie, sjokolade, mans – party dinge is maar net beter as dit ryk is.

*  In hondejare is ek al dood.

*  Kry ‘n nuwe kar vir jou gade – dit kan ‘n goeie ruil wees.

*  Ek gaan betyds gradueer – maak nie saak hoe lank dit vat nie.

*  ‘n Dag sonder sonskyn is soos nag.

*  Eerste dinge eerste – maar nie noodwendig in daardie volgorde
nie.

*  Ouderdom kom op ‘n slegte tyd.

‘n PAAR OULIKES!!

Ons land is eintlik oraait, weet jy. Die petrol gaan op, die brood gaan op, maar die krag gaan darem af.

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Sy:  ‘Jy is alweer dronk! Weet jy nie dat drank jy grootste vyand is nie?’ Hy:  ‘Ja, maar onthou, dis net bangbroeke wat vir hulle vyande vlug!’

* *                                  * *

My vrou eet so stadig, sy kan nie eens yoghurt eet nie.  Teen die tyd dat dit in haar maag is, het die raklewedatum al verstryk.

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Ek glo nie ‘n restaurant op die maan sal suksesvol wees nie.  Dit sal geen atmosfeer hê nie! *

* *                                  * *

My oom is ‘n gelukkige man.  Toe die Doodsengel aan sy deur kom klop het, was hy nie tuis nie.

*                                  * *

* Hy:  Jy was liewer vir my toe ons nog verloof was. Sy:  Wel, om die waarheid te sê, hou ek nie eintlik van getroude mans nie.

Priceless Observations!

Yet again, the fabulous, much revered  Priceless Observations Department:

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’

- Lillian Carter (mother of  Jimmy Carter)

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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: – ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’

- Eleanor Roosevelt
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

-  Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

-  George Burns

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

-  Jimmy Durante

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

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Money can’t buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

- Joe Namath

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I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

- W. C. Fields

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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

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Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

- Phyllis Diller

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.

-  Billy Crystal

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Some scary Attorney truths!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt’in me?
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY : And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh…. I was gett’in laid!
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt’in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like
to rephrase that?
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you got to?
WITNESS: Oral.
___________________________________________ _________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?
____________________________________________________________________
— And the best for last: —

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

The Plan of a Woman

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck
fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live
far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a
bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and
picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside
the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little
old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to
get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?’

The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very
close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’

The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in
the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm
and carry the goose in your other hand?’

‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old
girl home.

On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this
alley. We’ll be there in no time.’

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a
lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we
get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my
skirt, and have your way with me?’

The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a
gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I
possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’

The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the
bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.