New Computer Virusses

NELSON MANDELA VIRUS
Stays locked away in some unused region of your pc for 27 years and then takes it over completely.

WINNIE MANDELA VIRUS
Extinguishes all data like a stompie.

APARTHEID VIRUS
Separates PowerPoint slides based on colour. The nice thing about this virus is that anything that goes wrong with your computer can be blamed on this virus.

AFFIRMATIVE ACTION VIRUS
A second rate virus that takes the place of a really good programme that was on your PC. In some cases the really good programme still hangs around and does all the work but the virus takes the credit.

MINI BUS TAXI VIRUS
Crashes through your PC with very little regard for the rules of the internet highway. Stops data traffic for no reason. Causes other data to explode. Doesn’t have a software licence.

STRIKERS VIRUS
Stops your PC in the middle of crucial production runs. Also causes your PC speakers to toi-toi at regular intervals, and isa lways demanding more memory.

MATRIC PAPER VIRUS
This virus is a stolen version of the realt hing. Makes your PC worth less than the plastic its made of.

THIRD WORLD VIRUS
Keeps turning your clock back by 20 years. Slows down the fastest PC to the speed of the operator and has to be manually supervised to check for errors.

SQUATTER VIRUS
Takes illegal residence of your PC and then starts stealing components, difficult to remove, claims to have more right to your PC than installed programmes, because its forefathers were there first.

EDUCATION POLICY VIRUS
Tries to drag all PCs down to the level of the slowest machine with the least memory.

AK-47 VIRUS
Is obsessed with killing your motherboard fatherboard and any other board that it finds.

ANC VIRUS
Also similar to the Microsoft Virus, Promises you the earth but fails to deliver or delivers software with more bugs than the original.

 

You know you’re in JHB when..

1. The person in front of you in traffic this morning was hijacked and you got irritated because you missed the robot.

2. While eating dinner, a news item comes on TV about a family of six slaughtered in their home, and you ask someone to pass you the salt.

3. You never think of taxis in terms of public transport.

4. While waiting at the ATM, the bank is robbed by armed gunmen, but you’ll be damned if you’re going to lose your place in the queue.

5. You’re suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.

6. The last time you drove your car without swearing at someone was when you took your drive test.

7. It takes you an hour and a half to drive 5km to work in the morning and you think wow, good traffic day.

8. Every time you find your car parked where you left it you are genuinely surprised.

9. You’ve never been to Melville or Rocky St but love Sandton City.

10. You can get into a four-hour argument about the quickest way out of Sunninghill after work on a Friday, but can’t find Boksburg on a map. Oh, and where is Nigel?

11. You’ve seriously considered shooting someone.

12. You have more barbed wire around your home than Diepkloof Prison.

13. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.

 

Ever Wonder?

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

 

 

 

True newspaper clippings!

These are actual news excerpts from various national newspapers !!! 
 
The Cape Times (Cape Town) 
“I have promised to keep his identity confidential,’ said Jack Maxim, a spokeswoman for the Sandton Sun Hotel, Johannesburg, “but I can confirm that he is no longer in our employment”. “We asked him to clean the lifts and he spent four days on the job. When I asked him why, he replied; ‘ Well, there are forty of them, two on each floor, and sometimes some of them aren’t there.’ Eventually, we realised that he thought each floor had a different lift, and he’d cleaned the same two twelve times. “We had to let him go. It seemed best all round. I understand he is now working for Woolworths.” 

The Star (Johannesburg) 
“The situation is absolutely under control,” Transport Minister Ephraim Magagula told the Swaziland parliament in Mbabane. “Our nation’s merchant navy is perfectly safe. We just don’t know where it is, that’s all.” Replying to an MP’s question, Minister Magagula admitted that the landlocked country had completely lost track of its only ship, the Swazimar: “We believe it is in a sea somewhere. At one time, we sent a team of men to look for it, but there was a problem with drink and they failed to find it, and so, technically, yes, we’ve lost it a bit. But I categorically reject all suggestions of incompetence on the part of this government. The Swazimar is a big ship painted in the sort of nice bright colours you can see at night. Mark my words, it will turn up. The right honourable gentleman opposite is a very naughty man, and he will laugh on  the other side of his face when my ship comes in.” 

The Standard (Kenya) 
“What is all the fuss about?” Weseka Sambu asked a hastily convened news conference at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport. “A technical hitch like this could have happened anywhere in the world. You people are not patriots.You just want to cause trouble”. Sambu, a spokesman for Kenya Airways, was speaking after the cancellation of a through flight from Kisumu, via Jomo Kenyatta, to Berlin: “The forty-two passengers had boarded the plane ready for take-off, when the pilot noticed one of the tyres was flat. Kenya Airways did not possess a spare tyre, and unfortunately the airport nitrogen canister was empty. 
A passenger suggested taking the tyre to a petrol station for inflation, but unluckily the jack had gone missing so we couldn’t get the wheel off. Our engineers tried heroically to re-inflate the tyre with a bicycle pump, but had no luck, and the pilot even blew into the valve with his mouth, but  he passed out. “When I announced that the flight had to be abandoned, one of the passengers, Mr Mutu, suddenly struck me about the face with a life-jacketwhistle and said we were a national disgrace. I told him he was being ridiculous, and that there was to be another flight in a fortnight. And, in the meantime, he would be able to enjoy the scenery around Kisumu, albeit at his own expense.” 

Liewe Kersvader

Jannie Goeddoen
Stoepville 112
Skulpies
Suid Afrika
26 Desember 2002

Hello Oom Kersvader

Soos U seker al opgelet het in die laaste jaar het my gedrag
aansienklik verbeter. Ek het opgehou om vir Sannie “viskoekie” te noem al irreteer sy my nog steeds. Ek het ook begin leer en my skoolwerk is vir die eerte keer van so aard dat Ma en Pa my toelaat om die Simpsons te kyk.

Ek was ook elke tweede Saterdag my pa se kar en elke alternatiewe Saterdag sny ek gras en vat ook elke oggend die vullis uit vir my ma.

Soos jy weet haat ek kar was, grassny en vullis verwydering

Ek het ook begin om oumense oor die pad te help eerder as om hulle vol modder te ry met my BMX.

Hierdie jaar het baie van my gevat en ek moes ophou sjokolade eet
omdat dit my kop laat uithaak het en dit my glad nie help om die voorbeeldige, goedgesinde, eerlike, saggeaarde engeltjie te wees wat almal leer ken het oor die laaste jaar nie.

Nou het ek net een vraag vir jou:
Wat die hel het jou besiel om vir my ‘n paar fucked-up sokkies, ‘n
walglike paar “donkie-slippers” en ‘n kalkulator vir kersfees te gee, instead van die Go-Cart, mountainbike en radarkar wat ek jou voor gevra het?

Jou bedrieglike vet rooi bliksem – ek gaan jou kry.

Ek gaan in hierdie sokkies skyt en dit om Rudolf se neus vasbind. Hy sal eenvoudig op niks anders kan konsentreer behalwe om weg te kom van die reuk, en hopelik die res van jou geselskappie voor ‘n trein of trok inlei! As hy sou oorleef gaan ek hom ‘n stadige dood laat sterf.

Die res van jou groepie takbokke is biltong! Hulle sal lewendig opgehang word!!!

Nog nooit het ek so gebruik gevoel nie. Sannie gaan aftjop !! Pa en Ma gaan aftjop !! Al die oumense gaan weer aftjop!!

Alles net as gevolg van jou bedrieglikheid. Glo my, ek gaan nie rus nie voor ek hierdie twee “donkie-slippers” in jou agterkant opgeskop het nie.

Vir elke dag wat verby gaan en ek jou nog nie terug gekry het nie,
gaan Wortel, Sannie se kat, dit kry. Ek gaan hom met Pa se sekuritietsknuppel skok!

Die kalkulator gaan ek nou op pie en dit daarna deur oom Jaap en anti Kiti se voorruit gooi!

Alles wat die mense oorkom is nou jou skuld, Lekker rond vlieg, as ek jou en daai takbokke weer naby ons huis sien , gaan ek julle met klippe gooi!

Vriendelike Groete

Jannie
Ps. Ek weet waar jy bly!!