HIV Paperbag!

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors. “Doctor, I don’t feel too good,” said the little paper bag. “Hmm, you look OK to me,” said the Doctor, “but I’ll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days.”

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results. “What’s wrong with me?” asked the little paper bag. I’m afraid you are HIV positive!” said the doctor. “No, I can’t be – I’m just a little paper bag!” said the little paper bag.

“Have you been having unprotected sex?” asked the doctor. “NO, I can’t do things like that – I’m just a little paper bag!”  

“Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug user asked the doctor. “NO, I can’t do things like that – I’m just a little paper bag!”

“Perhaps you’ve been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?” queried the doctor. “NO, I don’t have a passport – I’m just a little paper bag!”

“Well”, said the doctor, “are you in a homosexual relationship?” “NO! I told you I can’t do things like that, I’m just a little paper bag.

“Then there can be only one explanation.” said the doctor “Your mother must have been a carrier!”

IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2. There are 2 billion children in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children that reduces the workload to 15% of the total – a mere 380 million children according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes, one presumes there’s at least one good child in each!

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of out calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For the purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second – a conventional can run, tops, 15 miles per hour!

4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting the “flying reindeer” (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload – not even counting the weight of the sleigh – to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison – this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth ship.

5. 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance – this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second! Each! In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500,061 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion – If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now!

Dear Mum and Dad,

 Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and were worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.

Oh, yes, please call Chad’s mother and tell her he is OK. He can’t write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it wasn’t for the lightning. Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood didn’t burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance. We think it’s a neat car. He doesn’t care if we get it dirty, and if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders.

It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t any traffic. All we ever see up here is logging trucks.

This morning, all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Walt isn’t crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn’t even get mad about the lifejackets. He has to spend a lot of the time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I’m so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedophile?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don’t worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Dan.

P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

One Night on a Train

 

A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both

married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping

room on a transcontinental train.

 

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were

both very tired and fell asleep quickly…. him in the

upper bunk and she in the lower.

 

At 1:00am, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,

“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing

to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

 

“I have a better idea,” she replied.” Just for tonight,

let’s just pretend that we’re married. “

Wow! That’s a great idea!” he exclaimed.

 

“Good,” she replied………………………… “Get your own f**king

blanket.”

 

After a stunned moment of silence, he farted.

The Lie Detector

 

Gatiep was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.  His wife Maraai had long ago given up trying to get him to change.  One day Gatiep came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that Gatiep claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Gatiepie, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Gatiepie was over 2 hours late.

‘Where have you been?  Why are you over 2 hours late getting home from school?’ asked Gatiep.

‘Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,’ said Gatiepie.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Gatiepie, knocking him completely out of his chair.

‘Son,’ said Gatiep, ‘this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where youreally were after school.’

‘We went to Boebie’s house and watched a movie.’ said Gatiepie.

‘What did you watch?’ asked Maraai.

The Ten Commandments.’ answered Gatiepie.

The robot went around to Gatiepie and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Gatiepie got up, sat down and said, ‘I am sorry I lied.  We really watched a tape called “The Sex Queen.”

‘I am ashamed of you son,’ said Gatiep. ‘When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.’

The robot then walked around to Gatiep and delivered a whack that nearly  knocked him senseless.

Maraai doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, ‘Boy, did you ever ask for that one!  You can’t be too mad with Gatiepie.  After all, he is your son!’

With that the robot immediately walked around to Maraai and slapped her unconscious!!