Afrikaans is beter !

Krisjan: “Goeie more. Maak vol met super, asb.”

Attendent: “How much?”

Krisjan: “Vol asb.”

Attendent: “I only speak the English!”

Krisjan: “Nooo problem… Good day to you , Sir. I currently feel a profound desire to replenish

the propellant of my motorized vehicle. Therefore, I cordially reqeust you to transfer,

from your subterranean reservoir, a sufficient quantity of combustible fluid of the highest

octane rating to fill the appropiate receptacle of the said means of perambulation to the

brim.”

Attendant: “Hau?”O thini lomlungu

Krisjan: “Do you have a problem Sir? I thought you said you spoke English?”

Attendant: “English?… that she is not English!”

Krisjan: “My dear Sir, are you veritably attempting to insinuate that you do not even recognize

the language which you allege to be you singular means of communication?”

Attendant: “Hau?”

Krisjan: “Let me attempt to elucidate in the most elementary terms your paltry grasp of the

English vernacular is frittering away the time at my disposal, or , as I would put it, in a

more civilized, intelligible language…

Dit is fokken duidelik dat jy FOKKOL van Engels weet. So kry jou slapgat in rat en

maak hierdie bliksemse kar se tank vol voordat ek hier uitklim en jou moer, want jy

mors my donnerse tyd!!!!!!!!!

Verstaan jy nou?!!

Attendant: “Ja, Meneer. Vol, Meneer? Afrikaans is beter, Meneer!”

BEE Changes

BEE Compliant Fable Changes. From 01 January 2008, the following changes will be put into place:

1. SNOW WHITE – COAL BLACK
2. GOLDILOCKS – DREADLOCKS
3. HANSEL & GRETEL – SIPHO & THANDI
4. JACK & THE BEANSTALK – ZUMA & THE DAGGA PLANT
5. LIEWE HEKSIE – LOVELY FELICIA
6. RED RIDING HOOD – RIDING IN THE HOOD
7. THE WOLF – THOKELOSH
8. THE THREE LITTLE PIGS – GOODNESS, GIFT & PRECIOUS
9. BARBIE – MODJADJI
10. LITTLE MERMAID – LITTLE MAID
11. THE SMURFS – THE FREEDOM FIGHTERS
12. ALICE IN WONDERLAND – BUSI IN GAUTENG
13. CINDERELLA – CINDERFIKILE
14. THE EMPEROR’S NEW CLOTHES – MBEKI GOES GUCCI
15. THE PRINCESS AND THE PEA – MANTO AND THE AFRICAN POTATO
 

Blond se PC woordeboek

Log On – Make the braai hotter
Log Off – The braai is too hot
Monitor – Keeping an eye on the braai
Download – Get the firewood off the bakkie
Hard drive – Trip back home without any cold beer
Floppy Disc – What you get lifting too much firewood at once or music
by Brenda Fasie
Keyboard – Where you hang the bakkie and bike keys
Windows – What you shut when it’s cold
Screen – What you shut in the mosquito season
Byte- What mosquitoes do
Bit – What the damn mosquitoes did
Mega Byte -What the blerry mosquitoes do at the lake
Chip – A snack food
MicroChip – What’s left in the bag after they ate all your chips
Modem -What you did to the lawns
Dot Matrix – Old Jacobus Matrix’s wife
Laptop – Where your cat takes some zzzzs
Software – Plastic knife and fork you get at KFC
Hardware – Real stainless steel knives and forks from Pick ‘n Pay
Mouse – What eats the grain in the shed
Mainframe – What holds the shed up
Web – What spiders make
Web Site – The corners under the stoep where the spiders hang out
Cursor – An old ballie who swears a lot
Search Engine – What you do when the bakkie won’t start up
Yahoo – What you shout when the bakkie starts up
Upgrade – A verysteep hill
Server – The oke at the pub that brings out the lunch
Mail Server – The oke that brings the post
User – Your neighbour who keeps borrowing things
Network – When you have to repair your fishingnet
Internet – Complicated fish net repair method
Netscape – When fish manoeuvre out of reach of your net
Online – When the wife finishes hanging out the laundry
Off Line – When the stukkend pegs won’t hold the washing up.

 

A VITAL GUIDE TO SABC TV PRONUNCIATION IN SOUTH AFRICA

Beck – not the front

Beds – doves, vultures, etc.

Ben – to set alight

Cut – a small vehicle drawn by a donkey

Errors – districts, e.g. “Ebbon errors” (urban areas)

Feather – Cape Town is feather than Johannesburg

Guddin – around your house, where you grow plants

Get – a hinged opening in a fence

Hair – as opposed to him

Kennel – Army officer

Len – to acquire knowledge

Pee-Pull – Die Mense / people

Piss – symbolised by white doves

Suffa-Ring – as in “the pee-pull are suffa-ring”

Toks – Negotiations

Weaner – the weaner takes all

Wekkas – they do the wek

Weld – The Earth

You are proudly South African when ………………..

1. You produce a R100 note instead of your driver’s licence when stopped by a traffic officer
2. You can do your monthly shopping on the pavement
3. You have to hire a security guard whenever you park your car
4. You can count the national soccer teams scores with no fingers
5. To get free electricity you have to pay a connection fee of R750
6. Hijacking cars is a profession
7. Defecating in a garden can win you R1-million
8.You can pay your tuition fees by holding up a sign at a traffic light
9.The petrol in your tank may be worth more than your car
10. More people vote in a local reality TV show than in a local election
11.People have the most wonderful names: Christmas, Goodwill, Pretty, Wednesday, Blessing, Brilliant, Gift, Precious, Innocence, Samsung and Airtime.
12. “Now now” can mean anything from a minute to a month!
13. You continue to wait after a traffic light has turned to green to make way for taxis travelling in the opposite direction.
14. Travelling at 120 km/h you’re the slowest vehicle on the highway
15.You’re genuinely and pleasantly surprised whenever you find your car parked where you left it.
16. A bullet train is being introduced but we can’t fix potholes
17. The last time you visited the coast you paid more in speeding fines and toll fees than you did for the entire holiday
18. You paint your cars registration on the roof
19. Half your mail is guaranteed to reach its destination
20. You have to take your own linen with you if you are admitted to a government hospital
21. You dial a toll free number and nobody answers
22. You have to prove that you don’t need a loan to get one
23. Prisoners go on strike.
24. You don’t stop at a red traffic light, in case somebody hijacks your car.
25. You consider it a good month if you only get mugged once.
26. Rwandan refugees start leaving the country because the crime rate is too high.
27. When 2 Afrikaans TV programs are separated by a Xhosa announcement of the following Afrikaans program, and a Pedi ad.
28. The employees DANCE in front of the building to show how unhappy they are.
29. The SABC advertises and shows highlights of the program you just finished viewing.
30. You get cold easily. Anything below 16 degrees Celsius is Arctic weather.
31. You call a bathing suit a “swimming costume”.
32. You stop at robots, not traffic lights.
33. You know what Rooibos Tea is, even if you’ve never had any.
34. You can sing your national anthem in four languages, and you have no idea what it means in any of them.
35. You know someone who knows someone who has met Nelson Mandela.
36. You go to “braais” (barbecues) regularly, where you eat boerewors (long meaty sausage-type thing) and swim, sometimes simultaneously.
37. You have a gear lock for your car.
38. You’ve never seen snow in real life.
39. You know that there’s nothing to do in the Free State.
40. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from South Africa