Vonkiedool’s aflaai blog!

Hier laai ek my humor af vir jou om te geniet!! Comment asseblief en dankie vir die besoek.

Bestuursriglyne vir bestuurders in gauteng!

1. Flikkerligte verklap jou volgende beweging. ‘n Ware Gauteng bestuurder gebruik hulle nie.
2. Jy moet onder geen omstandighede ‘n veilige afstand tussen jou en die kar voor jou laat nie, want al wat dan gaan gebeur is dat iemand anders in die spasie gaan indruk en jou in nog ‘n gevaarliker posisie plaas.
3. Hoe vinniger jy deur ‘n rooilig jaag, hoe kleiner is die kans dat iemand jou gaan raakry.
4. Moet nooit ooit heeltemal tot stilstand by die stopstraat kom nie. Niemand verwag dit nie en dit sal veroorsaak dat iemand in jou gat vasry.
5. Trap die rem so laat en hard as moontlik om seker te maak dat jou sluitweerremstelsel inskop en die polsende ritme van die rempedaal jou ‘n heerlike voetmassering kan gee. Vir die armgatte wat nie sluitweerremme kan bekostig nie gee dit ‘n goeie geleentheid om bene te rek.
6. Moet nooit regs verbygaan as jy aan die linkerkant kan verbygaan nie. Dit is ‘n goeie manier om mense wat by die deurpad wil aansluit te ontmoedig en verminder sodoende die verkeersdruk op die snelweg.
7. Snelheidsperke is arbitrêre syfers en is slegs ‘n voorstel en kan glad nie in spitstyd afgedwing word nie.
8. Net omdat jy reeds in die regterbaan is en geen ruimte het om te versnel of verby te steek nie beteken dit nie jy kan nie op jou plek vinniger jaag nie.
9. Ry baie stadiger en steek jou nek uit as jy ‘n ongeluk langs die pad of selfs net iemand wat sy band ruil sien.
10. Leer om baie vinnig uit te swaai. Die Gautengse departement van vervoer plaas slaggate op strategiese punte as deel van hulle “Arrive Alive” program om te verseker dat bestuurders se reaksies skerp bly en hulle nie aan die slaap raak agter die stuur nie.
11. Dit is gebruiklik in Gauteng om jou toeter te blaas as die motor voor jou nie binne twee millisekondes begin beweeg na die verkeerslig groen geslaan het nie.
12. Onthou dat die hoofdoel van elke Gautengse bestuurder is om eerste daar te wees, makie saak hoe nie.
13. Om iemand “’n pit te druk” of met die middelvinger te groet is goeie maniere in Gauteng. Maak seker dat jy nie aanstoot gee deur nie terug te groet nie.

April 22, 2008 Posted by vonkiedool | Humor | , | 2 Comments

As jy dink JOU familie is complicated …………?

Beste Dr

Hiermee wil ek graag my uiterste verwarring uiteensit:

My pa en ek woon saam en ons het ‘n radio en ‘n TV. Hy is ‘n wewenaar en ek
ongetroud. Onder ons woon ‘n weduwee en haar dogter, albei baie mooi en
sonder ‘n radio of TV. Hulle kom kuier gereeld by ons en ek raak toe verlief
op die weduwee. Ons trou toe uiteindelik.

Intussen raak my pa verlief op die dogter en hulle trou toe ook.

Net daar begin my k@#$% Omdat my pa met die dogter van my vrou getroud is,
(ook my dogter), is my dogter nou my ma. Ek is ook terselfdertyd haar pa,
omdat ek met haar ma getroud is. Vêrder is my pa my vrou se skoonseun en ek
is dus sy skoonpa omdat ek met die ma van sy vrou getroud is.

Toe kry my vrou ‘n seuntjie. Dit is ook my seun en die broer van my
skoondogter, omdat sy die dogter van my vrou is. Die seuntjie is ook ek en
my pa se swaer. Ek is dus my eie seun se neef en ook die neef van my
skoondogter, omdat sy my seun se suster is. Daarom is my skoonma ook my
tannie. Toe kry my pa se vrou ook ‘n seuntjie en hy word dus my broer.
My seun is oom van my kleinkind, omdat hy die broer van my dogter is.

My vrou is sy ouma grootjie, want sy is die kind van haar dogter. Ek is dus
sy oupa grootjie. Aangesien die oupa grootjie van my broer ook myne is, is
ek dus my eie oupa grootjie!

Nou kan jy verstaan …………………

Groete Gert

April 22, 2008 Posted by vonkiedool | Humor | , | 1 Comment

Quick course .. learn Chinese!

That’s not right. - Sum Ting Wong.

Are you harboring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me as soon as possible. - Kum Hia Nao.

Stupid Man. - Dum Gai.

Small Horse. - Tai Ni Po Ni.

Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table. - Ai Bang Mai Ni.

I think you need a face lift. - Chin Tu Fat.

It’s very dark in here. - Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet. - Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King.

You are not very bright. - Yu So Dum.

I got this for free. - Ai No Pei.

Please stay a while longer. - Wai Go Nao?

Stay out of sight. - Lei Lo.

He’s cleaning his automobile. - Wa Shing Ka.

Your body odor is offensive. - Yu Stin Ki

April 22, 2008 Posted by vonkiedool | Humor | , | No Comments

Waarhede en naarhede ….?

Hulle het uitgevind dat Adam gay was. Geen normale man sal langs ‘n kaal vrou sit en appels vreet nie!
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Wat is die toppunt van geraas?
Twee geraamtes wat woelig vry op ‘n sinkdak met ‘n Coke blikkie as ‘n kondoom!

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Wat is die nuwe weergawe van: “Boom,Boom,Boom,Boom, I want U in my room”?
Sakkie,Sakkie,Sakkie,Sakkie, Kom ons gaan vry in my bakkie!

***************************************************
Tannie vang oom met Playboy: ”En wat is dit die?” “Ag, ou vrou, dis soos ‘n Getaway tydskrif, ‘n mens sien die
mooiste plekke waar jy nooit sal kom nie!”

***************************************************
Al die diere in die woud het bymekaar gekom om ‘n nuwe koning te kies. Almal is daar, leeu, olifant, renoster, hulle wag net vir bobbejaan om die blog inskrywing klaar te lees.

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Ma, Pa en vertraagde Jan ry in die wildtuin rond. Jan se venster is oop. Die volgende oomblik storm ‘n volstruis
op hom af en pik hom blou. Na 5min van stillte se Jan: “Flippen duif!”

**************************************************
AVBOB ADVERTENSIE: Is die soos Doves & Klopper funeral home?
Koop jou gat nou en sien hom later! Ja nee man

April 22, 2008 Posted by vonkiedool | Humor | , | No Comments

Letters to the minister of labour S.A.

The following are genuine extracts of letters received by the MINISTRY OF LABOUR (SOUTH AFRICA) from people enquiring after money on the grounds of hardship. They are exact copies as they were received. Neither the wording nor the spelling has been altered.

Extract:
1. I am glad to state that my husband died yesterday. I will be glad if you get me a pension. If you don’t hurry up I will have to get public resistance.
2. I am enclosing my marriage certificate with three children. One of then is a mistake as you can see when you look into it. I am writing to say my youngest son is born two years old. Why not getting allowances for it.
3. I am enclosing certificate with six childran. One of them twins died. You asked if he is christened: yes he was baptised on half a sheet of paper by a certain Captain in the Salvation Army.
4. The man I live with won’t work and he wants to know if my husband is dead. Will you please search through your records office for him and let me know.
5. In accordance with your Instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
6. I want money as badly as quisk as you can send it. I have been in bed under the doctor for weeks and he doesn’t seem to be doing me any good. If things don’t improve I shall have another doctor.
7. Milk is needed for my baby. Father is unable to supply it.
8. Re your dental enquiry, the teeth at the top are still alright, but the ones in my bottom are hurting me terrible.
9. Please send me a form for cheap milk.I have a baby 2 month old and did not know about it until the neighbor told me.
10. My son is unable to attend school. He has had diarrhoea through a hole in his shoe.

These are actual letters sent by council building dwellers (JOHANNESBURG):
1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
3. Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence.
4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
5. The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
6. I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall.
7. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
8. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
9. Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.
10. I am still having trouble with smoke in my built-in drawers.
11. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
12. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in three pieces.
14. Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his thingy wakes me up and it’s getting too much.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife.
20. I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction.
21. We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden before we move into the house.
22. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can’t get SABC2 (television station).
23. I try to take just one day at a time but lately several days have atacked me at once!!
 

April 22, 2008 Posted by vonkiedool | Humor | , | No Comments