Elementary School Bible test answers!

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH’S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TOMOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADATHEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES..

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

Do you get a clever Blonde? mmm…….

Blonde walks into Absa in Johannesburg and asks for the loans dept. She says she’s going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow R10, 000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the papers and everything checked out. Absa agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank manager and its staff all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a R5, 000,000 Rolls as collateral against a R10, 000 loan.

 An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the R10, 000 and the interest, which comes to R141.66. The bank manager says, ‘Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow R10, 000?’ The blond replies … ‘Where else in Johannesburg can I park my car for two weeks for only R141.66 and expect it to be there when I return?’

If you are a lawyer, don’t read!!! Hehehe!!

A bunny rabbit and a snake bumped into each other in the forest.
Startled, they both jumped back.
The bunny rabbit said: “Oh, excuse me, I didn’t see you, I’m blind. In fact, I don’t even know what I am!”
The snake replied: “I’m blind too and I don’t know what I am either.”
The bunny rabbit said: “I have an idea! How about if we feel each other? Maybe we can tell each other what we are!”
The snake replied: “That’s a great idea, I’ll go first”. He slithers all over the bunny rabbit and says “Well, you’re soft and furry and you have a little cotton tail. I know!! You must be a bunny rabbit!
The bunny rabbit was thrilled to finally know what he is. “My turn”. He says, and hops all over the snake. ” Well, you’re cold and slimy and you’ve got no balls. I know!! You must be a lawyer!

Ai die blond is alweer besig!!!!

‘n Ou was aangekla van moord en het ‘n groot kans gestaan om die
elektriese stoel te kry. Sy broer vind toe uit dat daar ‘n blondine op die jurie
sou wees wat te vinde sou wees vir ‘n bietjie omkoopgeld. Hy sê toe aan die
blondine dat hy $10,000 sou betaal as sy die jurie kon oortuig om die
aanklag na strafbare manslag te versag. Die jurie was ‘n hele dag uit en kom
toe terug met ‘n vonnis van strafbare manslag. Ná die hofsaak gaan die
broer na die blondine se huis, sê dankie en betaal die $10,000. Die blondine
antwoord dat dit nie maklik was om die ander ouens te oortuig nie. Hulle wou
hom onskuldig bevind het.

This is a killer … !!!

Two Chatsworth cousins, Ravi and Pravesh, are walking down the street one day. They happen to come upon a crematorium.
Ravi promptly asks Pravesh, “Hey cousin, what’s this crematorium thing?”
Pravesh: “Hey no man, how must I know?”
Ravi: “Well run in there and check it out!”

Pravesh runs in, a couple minutes later he exits the crematorium severely beaten, covered in his own blood. Ravi (quite shocked),
asks: “And now Pravesh, what happened to you man?”
Pravesh: “No man, I go inside, right!”
Ravi: “Right?”

Pravesh: “I see all these sad people standing around, right?”
Ravi: “Right?”

Pravesh: “So I ask them, hey what’s cooking?”

Some REAL truths!!!

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
– Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
– Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
– Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
– Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don’t want any more kids.
– Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
– Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
– Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
– Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they’re rich.
– Pam, age 7 (smart girl)

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
- – Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
– Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
– Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T G ET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
– Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is……..
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
– Ricky, age 10

Kinders se vraestel antwoorde……….dis nou lekker Afrikaans !!

* Salomo het driehonderd vroue en nog sewehonderd bye-vye gehad. Nie almal van hulle het gesteek nie, maar hy was gelukkig baie slim en het ‘n plan uitgewerk. * Nog ‘n belangrike uitvindsel was die bloedsomloop. Dit het verhoed dat jou bloed stilstaan, wat stilstuipe veroorsaak. * Peter Stuyfgestaan is ‘n geskiedkundige figuur, want hy het sigarette uitgevind en begin rook. Hy het so baie gerook dat die niekoetien-kolle in sy onderbroek duidelik sigbaar was. * Egipteland  was bewoon deur mummies en hulle het almal op hulle hero-gleuwe geskryf en vir hulle pappies gewys.  Hulle het in die Sarah-woestyn  gewoon en het  waterbeurte gehad van die min reën.  Die klimaat was só erg dat al die inwoners op ander plekke gebly het, en net naweke huistoe gekom het om sandkastele te bou. Die boesmans het in hulle tuine gewerk. *  Moses  het  die  Hebreeuse slawe na die Rooi See gelei waar hulle ongesuurde brode gebak het, dit is brood wat sonder enige bestanddele gemaak is en baie soet is van te min suurdeeg. Moses het die berg Sianied uitgeklim om die tien gebooie te kry. * Die Egiptenare was ‘n  hoogs gekulde volk en sonder hulle sou ons nie ‘n geskiedenis gehad het nie.  Hulle het omtrent al die kafees in Egipte gehad. My ma sê hulle het baie mites gehad wat seker in die kombuis gewerk het. *  Demokrates  was ‘n  beroemde Griekse wysheid wat rondgeloop en mense raad gegee het. Hy is dood  omdat hy verskriklik oordosis of so iets. Ná sy dood het sy loopbaan dramaties agteruitgegaan. *  In die  ou  Olimpiese Spele het die Grieke kaal paal gespring, zol geswaai, en disnis gegooi. Hulle was ook lief vir budgie-jump, omdat daar niks anders was om te jump nie. * Johan na van Arkel het van ‘n stapel brandwonde gesterf. Hulle het haar met ‘n blaasbalk aan die brand gepomp, tot haar hare afrou geraak het van skrik. *  Koningin  Elizabeth  was die “Maagdekoningin”. As ‘n koningin was sy ‘n sukses, maar nie as ‘n maagd nie. Sy het haar volk se probleme aangetrek. En was altyd mooi geklee. *  Dit was ‘n tydperk van groot  uitvindsels en ontdekkings. Gutenberg het die wynpers uitgevind. Hy het die slaweklokke gelui deur dit in die wynpers vas te draai dat die wyn spat. * Die grootste skrywer van die Renaissance was William Shakespeare.  Hy is in die jaar 1564 gebore en die geskiedkundige mense dink dit was op sy verjaardag. Hy het nooit geld gemaak nie, en is net beroemd oor die toneelstukke  wat hy geskryf het. Hy het tragedies, komedies en historektomieë geskryf. Romeo and Julietis een voorbeeld. *  Abraham  Lincoln  het  Amerika  se grootste  presedent geword. Lincoln se ma is dood toe sy nog ‘n maagd was en hy is gebore  in ‘n houthut wat hy met sy eie hande gebou het in die franse evolusie. *   Johan n Babbelastiaan  Bach het  baie komposisies geken en het so ook baie kinders gehad. Hy is dood sedert 1750  tot vandag toe. Bach was die beroemdste komponis  in  die  wêreld, amper soos  Händel. Händel was half-Duits, half-Italiaans en half-Engels wat Hollangs gepraat het. * Beethoven het musiek geskryf al was hy doof. Hy was só doof dat hy harde musiek geskryf het. Hy het ver in die woude gaan loop selfs al het almal na hom geroep. Beethoven het in 1827 opgehou bestaan en dis hoekom hy later dood is. Hy het rooi hare by geboorte gehad toe noem sy ma hom Beethoven. Sy hare het egter na sy eerste bad  heelwat verander. *  Die  negentiende  eeu  was  ’n tyd  van baie  uitvindsels.  Mense het opgehou om met die hand te reproduseer en met toestelle begin  reproduseer. *  Die uitvinding van die stoomboot  het ‘n netwerk van riviere laat ontstaan, waarna die mense gevlug het as die  water te warm raak van die stoom wat afgeblaas word. * Die Toekoek is ‘n voël wat nie haar eie eiers kan lê nie. * Parallelle lyne ontmoet mekaar  nooit nie, tensy jy een of altwee van hulle buig. * ‘n Sirkel is ‘n lyn  wat sy ander end ontmoet sonder om te end. Daarom is dit moeilik om sy end  te kry, voordat jy dronk word. *  Die maan is ‘n planeet net soos die  aarde. Daar bly net een man wat baie gelukkig is. Een keer ‘n jaar raak sy koeie mal en spring oor die maan. *  Vegatiewe  voortplanting  is  ’n proses  waarin een individu per ongeluk ‘n ander individu vervaardig waarop net die ouma trots is. * Koolstofmonoksied is ‘n  reuklose gas wat verskriklik stink.

Klein donner, hy moes meer Pak gekry het….

Jannie het elke oggend met ‘n blou oog by die skool aangekom. Die juffrou het vir hom gevra hoekom sy oog blou is.
Jannie se antwoord was:

” Ons bly in ‘n klein huisie en ek en my ma en my pa slaap in een bed.
Elke aand vra my pa vir my, ” Jannie, slaap jy al? ” , dan sê ek ” Nee, pa “
en dan slaan my pa my en gee my ‘n blou oog ” .

Die Juffrou se toe vir Jannie, ” As jou pa jou weer vra, dan bly jy doodstil. ” Die volgende dag het Jannie nie ‘n blou oog nie,
toe sê hy vir die Juffrou dat hy stil gebly het. Maar die dag daarna het Jannie weer ‘n blou oog. Die juffrou vra toe vir Jannie
” Hoekom het jy dan weer ‘n blou oog? “

Hy vertel toe vir die Juffrou:” Pa het gevra…’Jannie slaap jy’?, maar toe bly ek doodstil. Pa en ma het toe gewoel in die bed.

Toe vra pa vir ma: ” Kom jy? ” toe se ma, ” Ja… kom jy ook? ” , toe se pa ” Ja ” , en toe sê ek:

” Wag vir my, ek kom ook, ek wil net gou my slippertjies aantrek. “

Letter from Sipho to Mr. Bill Gates of Microsoft. Eish!

*Subject: Problems with my new computer*

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems,
which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button ‘start’ but there is no ‘stop’ button. We request
you to check this.

2. We find there is ‘Run’ in the menu. One of my friends clicked ‘run’
he ran up to ESANGWENI! So, we request you to change that to ‘sit’, so
that we can click that by sitting.

3. One doubt is whether any ‘re-scooter’ is available in system? I find
only ‘re-cycle’, but I own a scooter at my home.

4. There is ‘Find’ button but it is not working properly. My wife lost
the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ‘ find’ button,
but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

5. My child learnt ‘Microsoft word’ now he wants to learn ‘Microsoft
sentence’, so when you will provide that?

6. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one
icon which shows ‘MY Computer’: when you will provide the remaining
items?

7. It is surprising that windows says ‘MY Pictures’ but there is not
even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.

8. There is ‘MICROSOFT OFFICE’ what about ‘MICROSOFT HOME’ since I use
the PC at home only.

9. You provided ‘My Recent Documents’. When you will provide ‘My Past
Documents’?

10. You provide ‘My Network Places’. PLEASE do not provide
‘My Secret Places’. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after
my office hours.

Regards,

Sipho

Last one from me to Mr Bill Gates :
Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but u are selling WINDOWS?